slow boat to china

comedy and tragedy 1

2012-01-28T23:01:00.008+08:00

OH GOD

I probably heard this phrase a thousand times yesterday. It was Bensoh's default response to everything that happened...which should have been captured on Lim Heng's blackmail loaded iphone, but can only be flimsily recounted by me now!

In the morning, I woke up to a text by Celeste Teo, who in the end rejected even Niran's pleas! "Terrible child" - Audrey Tay

But when I think about it now, I had a pretty good morning ^^

Then I traveled to Marina Square and discovered Bensoh and Sanjev having lunch together in the same Burger King where we had exchanged shit tales while eating previously. They were discussing golf passionately and revealed that both of them are quite good golfers! Just like Bchen, with whom they have a complicated three way relationship.

In year 5, Bchen and Bensoh were extremely close, and their intimate moments were probably what made Jarett insist that David and Shivam get rid of the precious class couch. But in year 6, their relationship unexpectedly deteriorated like Katy and Russell's. Bchen found a quick rebound in his friend Sanjev. However the love quickly blossomed and they took the big step of moving in together and talking about "quiffing".

So when Bchen found us, Niran and I were invisible to him. All he saw was Bensoh making a move on Sanjev, and aggressively stabbed Bensoh's burger with Sanjev's golf peg thingy, which has seen 18 years of mud. Bensoh retaliated by rummaging through Bchen's bag, which unexpectedly contained boxes of candy like Veggie Tales gummies.

Sanjev and Bchen also had matching beards and moustaches. Bchen looked like the Chinese rapist at Velvet and Sanjev looked like "the goat from Narnia" according to Niran.

Then we went bowling again. It was a very close fight...between Bchen and everyone else, because he was really amazing. Even the Dora lookalike that Niran spotted bowling in the neighbouring lane couldn't distract him.

Afterward we cabbed to Stan's place. More shit stories were unintentionally shared again. This time, it all started because we were talking about money -> Shivam saying he would pay Bensoh to shit in his own hands if he became a billionaire overnight -> Lim Heng saying he would pay Bensoh to let David shit on his face -> Bensoh actually contemplating this offer and saying 10,000 is not enough -> Lim Heng saying David's shit is probably hard -> Bensoh disagreeing based on one of the million theories he concocted -> Lim Heng calling David while he was buying army things to ask if his shit is hard or soft -> David saying it looks like Bensoh's face nia. Money is really the root of evil.

When we reached Stan's house, the need for censorship suddenly took over and we were given new names to preserve anonymity.

As usual, Raja, Barnabus and Hamlet were engaged in a fierce FIFA fight, leaving Frank, Xiao Ming, Ronald and Sandhanam upstairs to entertain themselves with the vast supply of beverages. Under the immoral influences of Xiao Ming and Frank, Ronald and Sandana decided to participate in a fearsome challenge of their own - doing marathon shots.

When Raja, Barnabus, Hamlet and I climbed to the roof top after becoming curious about what our companions were doing, we were astonished to see Frank pouring Ronald and Sandhanam their 15th shot each.

Goodness gracious! We cried (to that effect).

W T F are you doing. Your pits are damn sweaty. Raja added to Sandhanam, who clamped his arms down defensively.

Make him go wooooo! Raise your hands up in the air, let me see all your hands in the air! Xiao Ming shouted, imitating a DJ.

The two combatants deliberated on whether or not to take the next shot. Frank cackled and poured it anyway, and Ronald took it like a crazy man. Sandhanam hesitated for a while and even attempted the expedient of waving his glass around to try and splash some out so he wouldn't have to drink so much.

Ronald: Dey don't be a pussy. Look at you. You are 80kg, I'm 72kg. You had Burger King for lunch, I had SOUP for lunch.

Sandhanam started shouting about how soup can have meat or potatoes in it and listing out the kinds of soup that can help a person tank this kind of battle better than a measly burger king fish burger.

With this kind of provocations and Frank's constant refilling, they made it through 1.5 bottles and got to 18. Ronald promptly dropped the glass at this moment and it shattered dramatically. Frank and Hamlet had to leave for a buffet, and so we said our goodbyes and promised to keep them updated on the outcome.

They seemed surprisingly fine. Oh yeah! A new character had arrived to the plot, our friend Ali, whose sensible words failed to penetrate their craziness.

It was the calm before the storm. In seconds, Sandhanam had transformed into a raging beast like The Hulk, one that was determined to smash the life out of Barnabus. Ali and I sprrrrrrrinted down the stairs, me shrieking and screaming uncontrollably all the way, until we reached Stan's bedroom and barged into it like a SWAT team. Like in those thriller movies, Xiao Ming and Barnabus bashed into the room and rapidly locked the doors while Ali and I dove into Stan's bed for cover.

A knock came at the door.

Who's there? We called out in fright.

It's just me, Ronald. Said Ronald.

So Barnabus innocently opened the door, and Sandhanam burst out from behind, roaring and ready to pao Barnabus like many people often wish they could do. Ali, Xiao Ming and I took this opportunity to escape. We scrambled down the second flight of stairs, screams of OH GOD OH GOD in the air, and Barnabus and Sandhanam pounding after us.

And then...

It suddenly became 12.30am! So the rest will be written tomorrow haha. Goodnight!

non capisco

2012-01-26T21:01:00.005+08:00

I'm a bit sad thinking about tomorrow. It's probably going to be the last day I'll get to see many friends for a long time before they leave for NS. Last 2 days if you count the early hours of Saturday!

And Celeste still cannot come!!! I tried many tactics of persuasion to encourage her to say yes, but in the end she turned the tables on me with emotional blackmail! A gifted "manipulator" - Stan. After she said she was baking for her mum's birthday I felt a bit too guilty. So I asked Niran to ask Celeste hahahaha.

That makes yesterday probably the second last day, which was spent playing with Otis, trolling horny Omeglers instead of listening to JP's heartwarming guitar renditions of Christian songs, Mingyang and I FIFA stalemate, Gabriel having heart pain over Abby's injury, being illegally driven to Cold Storage, buying $180+++ worth of groceries, cooking it to excellence for Niran and Shivam's first steamboat, being unfairly accused of buying too much corn, having to eat about 3 or 4 packets of corn alone, watching David pioneer Steamboat Epic Meal Time with beef balls wrapped in beef, lolzing + being exasperated by Stan overenthusiastically dumping trays of food in at once, surgeon Gordon fixing Stan's huge balls of meat sinking into the pot, forever sleepy Leonard flinging strands of mushrooms everywhere, laughing at Stan's accents, intense wrestling match between Stan Niran and I on top of a cage, Hamza getting a little excited by Candice, realizing Hamza has been farting secretly and silently while FIFA-ing, poor Niran still unable to redeem himself in racing games, sprinting home for dinner, falling into bed, falling asleep, being awoken by texts, grumpily ignoring them and returning to hibernation, waking up to sign up for driving finally, getting registered by a lady speaking rapid and convoluted Chinese, not understanding a single word...

This is not yesterday anymore!

Ps. Celeste is caving in LOL.

Celeste: He said he's crying and very sad cause I can't go and when I said he lied he said this "Give my mum a call. She is feeding me porridge and wiping my tears away with a handkerchief"

"I already told the whole world you're going, if you don't I'll be a clown :( Could you do that to such a sweet Indian boy like me?"

HAHAHA this is what we must do to convince Celeste to go out in future. The other tactic is to promise Wild Honey for lunch/dinner.

we are artists

2012-01-25T00:07:00.008+08:00

I found something in the folder where Hamza's picture was (class pics from 2010). What's this?

IT'S A HUMAN CENTIPEDE BCHEN AND I DREW ON THE CLASS TABLES! I still remember Mr Jarett standing by my table, peering down at us and wondering why we were speading our worksheets all over the place and trying not to lolz.

Coincidentally, I just heard Bchen is coming home from the US today. Welcome home!!!

I speak as if the first thing Bchen is gonna do when he touches down is read my blog. But you never know...

I'm gonna sleep now to get ready for a day of "ang pao hunting expeditions" tomorrow, goodnight!

ps. Did you notice some alarmingly funny remarks on the tables not written by me and Bchen? Like "Jon <3 shiv Oh Yeah", "I LOVE CHEESE" (LOL) and the smiley saying "Ben Soh is so tasty!"
The last one I know for sure was the work of Gabriel Fang.

leapin lemurs

2012-01-24T22:34:00.006+08:00

Prepare to be both terrorized and tickled by the stories below!

While flying back from Bangkok, I was trying to nap on the plane. All of a sudden, I felt something tickling my arm! At first I thought it was hair, but when I finally opened my eyes...

Omg a cockroach on your computer!

Actually, a baby cockroach was frolicking on my arm.

But fortunately, I'm not scared of cockroaches so I just brushed it away HAHAHA. It scuttled to the businessman sitting behind me.

Today was a pretty ricetarded day. After lunch, Limmeng and Hamza came to my house to play with Doodle and watch "Uh Uh Siol". We ended up doing the Bad English Challenge by watching retarded Japanese gameshows on youtube and forcing ourselves not to laugh! The punishment was getting flicked on the forehead with this thick rubber band I found in my kitchen. It was so painful! And to make things worse, everytime we paused the video to mete out punitive action, it would end up with a truly retarded screenshot, causing the people who weren't even laughing to begin with to start lmaoing.

They later turned to trying to frighten me by making me play things like the Scary Maze (really very scary) and watching a real life video clip of...no spoilers! Watch it yourself and be creeped out at this unearthly hour!

:-(

We then scrolled down to look at the comments and started lmaoing again.

When it was finally time to leave for an evening of card games and moneymaking, I noticed something truly horrifying. There were scratch marks all over my chair, like a crazy cat had been let loose. However, the only thing that had come into contact with the chair that afternoon was Lim Heng's ass. We were mindboggled.

Hamza came up with two theories, one frightening and one retarded, just like the videos we watched earlier.

1. There's a ghost in my bedroom *trembles*

2. Lim Heng's ass is Wolverine

Suddenly a flash of brilliance struck him

3. A ghost is living in Lim Heng's ass

Anyway I really don't know how this happened! Because there was nothing sharp in Limmeng's pockets, and we didn't even move from the table all day.

Afterward we were walking down to 7/11, and ran into an ang moh man and lady strolling side by side. As we passed them, we distinctly heard the man say to the lady: Speaking of your ass, how's your sex life?

It was painfully hard not to start rofling!

And lastly, Hamza's hair is enormous now. But look what it was long ago:

i'm not going home tonight

2012-01-15T21:31:00.004+08:00

Yesterday Niran and Limmeng really did this dance during Yuksek

It started raining so heavily at around 4! With great difficulty we escaped to Serene Macs to eat breakfast/supper, where Mingyang somehow managed to order three hashbrowns and promised to let us visit his mansion and feed his snakes over CNY :-)

borat, you came back!

2012-01-13T20:50:00.004+08:00

Today I was a bowling champion!

But my title was quickly stolen by the underdog Hamza who led his team (Hamza Phoon Stan vs Luenell Nir Benita) to victory before dashing off to the mosque.

The turnout was unexpectedly great though with surprise Sanjev and bonus Phoon, who we all couldn't imagine bowling but was actually a natural! Celeste and I were especially delighted to have Sanjev there because Stan had told us over lunch about his intriguing dream involving Sanjev, and we wanted to see his reaction.

In the dream, he and Sanjev were dancing in Zouk. All of a sudden, Sanjev leapt to the middle of the dance floor, took off his pants, and started shitting with his characteristic cheeky smile on his face.

Celeste and I burst into laughter.

Celeste: Stan, don't you know? A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep!
Stan: Frick la dey!

Sanjev was not as amused when Stan recounted his subconscious experience, but it set off a round of stories about public shitting occurences

e.g Lim Heng's primary school classmate named Kenagas (???) who repeatedly insisted nothing was wrong when her nearby peers complained of a foul smell until their teacher made her stand up and "a lump of shit fell onto the chair"

e.g The time Sherwin screamed in a school toilet, drawing the attention of by standers Lim Heng and Sanjev...to a pile of shit lying randomly right at the doorstep of a cubicle. A poor student had sprinted all the way to the toilet only to fail so close to the target. The memory was so scarring that Sanjev said he distinctly remembered it looked "mossy" while Lim Heng said it looked "like mutton". They also reported that a China scholar trod right over the shit, impervious to the warning smell, and left a trail back to class to guide people needing to use the bathroom to the correct location like breadcrumbs in the fairytale. When Niran finished lolzing he also added that the cleaner refused to clean up that horrendous mess and up til today the hardened shit trail remains a popular tourist attraction.

LOL now that I type out this nonsense we seem very retarded and sick for laughing at these people's misfortunes but Sanjev and Lim Heng were very good storytellers and they made us laugh so much Stan got a stomachache!!

Stan also had the brainwave to dress Niran up in the construction worker outfit on results day, except it was a week late. The idea was great though and he was dismayed that someone else was chosen for the interview with the newspaper instead of the brilliant Ranny, which he could have worn the costume to and pretended it was his part-time vocation! Ranny even added more depth to this idea with the idea of whipping out a picture of Sanjev for the cameras, his son in Bangladesh for whom Niran was studying for. Trolls!

Then, we watched Borat for the 10093123928th time. But it was the first time watching with a real life Luenell, who was very proud of his screen time and kept demanding for the Borat counterpart to quickly get back in the action. Afterward he said he wouldn't jome but smoked a Gold. He said he wouldn't drink anymore after his beers but gulped down a Graveyard that Celeste liberally mixed for him.

He soon started worrying about going home to suspicious parents and he anxiously asked us how he could appear innocent when he returned.

Celeste: If you drink you won't smell like smoke!
Sanjev: I need to smell like...milk or some shit dei

Oh Luenell!

you're the beach and i'm the wave

2012-01-07T20:34:00.007+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOY
Even though she chose supper with Bensoh over staying til sunrise with us last night!!!

While trying to find a good picture to supplement this exclamation of joy (lol), like how I made Mingyang a birthday card with this picture

...I found WOW pictures that I'd never shared! For the sole reason that I really hate using facebook. Here are my favourites:

Sometimes re-reading my archives about the fun things we did makes me lol but other times, looking at pictures of my crazy classmates doing it makes me lol harder

champagne showers

2012-01-01T18:35:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year siolz, I started mine with a fat bastard :-)

the longest sentence i ever wrote

2011-12-30T16:22:00.003+08:00

3pm Otter birthday cards, koi ponds with Arowana, indoor gyms, Abel: None of these boats are Partyable, 4pm pool at the most relaxing Harry's ever, riding buggys, banana battles, oily apples, sleeping on the deck, wearing bathrobes, marine litter softball style, 7pm Jizz burger, stale fish, buying salad for *salad bowl* in 7/11, Crossing the Bridge, Leonard x4 cigarettes, 11pm preggies woman sex next door, Limmeng Party Animal, poor Mingyang walking out to buy Macs on birthday, shots for nuggets, throwing security guard a filet-o-fish, fat JQ BBQ sauce everywhere, pretty girls amidst cockfest, Ferdie being very high while sober, trying to name the planets in order, name colours of rainbow challenge, Interact club, love hurts philosophical question, walking to 7/11 for bananas and spoilt light sticks, real life ghost stories, 2am racing in trolleys along the jetty, stealing bicycles, dirty sea water, breaking and entering in our own boat, breaking and entering a stranger's boat while they were inside, windows along the boat that open into the toilets, peeping tom and peeping jane, RJ Umbrella Gang, Ferdie words of wisdom: (about Abel) You can lie on his stomach. Its rocking motion will make you feel like you're on a boat, on a boat. (to Niran while talking about why Sikhs don't wear helmets) I dare you to wear a turban and get into an accident. (about Abel's stomach again) Careful if you sleep on it you might get seasick, Angeline Herladyship Yap, Nadhira Rockswoahhh, Niranjan Ranjakunalan, 1/8 Indian, Furbies, neck spasm, Ferdie syndrome, waiting for the sunrise from the roof of the yacht but dunno which side is the East, betting on where it will rise from, 4am discussion on religion, shot putting mangoes and dragonfruit, clanking sound when an apple hit the Malaysian yacht, St John's Ambulance Brigade team for wounded soldier Gordon, borrowing Sean Chu's hospital membership card, wearing eye shields from 1st Aid Kit, waking up sleeping friends, Niran about Mingyang after toothpaste and lotion facial: "cum stained Japanese whore", round two shit prank, security guard coming to ask about bikes, Niran to Damian "Are you stressed? Stressed enough to take a shit?", God's gift to us (the basket full of sugar), "Either it goes all over Mingyang or someone gets diabetes from this shit, which do you choose?", the sun rising!, running off with Abel and Mingyang asleep together, sleepy bus ride, sleepy 6-9 discounted Macs breakfast at Serene Centre, time to sleep...

chicken sandwiches

2011-12-11T00:41:00.004+08:00

Lmao talking to Joy just triggered my memory of MGS days and this is a story I have recalled.

One day during a lesson in the computer lab I was sitting a few rows away from my teacher. Our labs aren't like the naughty kid proofed mirrored labs in ACS, so he couldn't really check on what everyone was up to. Someone had just googled poems on the com I was sitting at and it linked me to a lot of retarded love poems. I decided to spam print them to the printer sitting at the teacher's table, and they began piling up on the table and flooding everywhere much to his wtfery.

At first he was very befuddled then grew quite annoyed, and started shouting "Who did this? Who is printing so many love poems?"

But I amazingly kept my laughter bottled in, scooted to another com, and some other laughing people got blamed for my crime hahaha.

When I told this to Joy, she replied that she'd done the same thing before too!!! Except with recipes for chicken sandwiches.

We are crazy.

my goodness

2011-12-07T21:53:00.005+08:00

OMG!

I had the craziest and most amazing dream last night.

In it, Joy, Gabriel, David and I found an article in the newspaper advertising for "Mr and Mrs Singapore". We unanimously decided to compete and prepared for it by going to our garden (???) to work out and tan. By the time we took the MRT to IMM where the auditions were held, the queue was so long it had reached a few blocks away!

Finally we got to the front where there was a panel of judges. I got pushed to one judge, who was Madam Kiran Kaur. I stood there nervously waiting...and she told me to tell me whether the Pound was appreciating or depreciating and who the British Prime Minister was!!! I started panicking and sweating. She gave me a nonchalant face and said this is something every Econs student learns. In a haze of terror and desperation I said "David Cameron!"

Then I abruptly woke up wtfing to myself. And I just googled "David Cameron" which actually really is the British Prime Minister LOL. But I don't think I ever knew this! I wasn't even sure when I was awake recollecting this dumb dream...

Amazing things happen in bed don't they hehe

lmao

2011-12-05T19:05:00.000+08:00

I just realized there was a boy in our school who looked like Bensoh with specs...

First world pains

2011-11-24T23:10:00.001+08:00

Too lazy to go out but too sian to stay at home. Almost as bad as the pillows conundrum.

prom nia

2011-11-23T20:24:00.008+08:00

This is going to be a highly censored entry!!!

Yesterday was prom day, the dullest 2 hours I've endured since econs lessons finished. But before that, Kar Min had booked a hotel room for us and that was where Joy, Anus, Aishah, Zach Koh, Nic Lee, and I camped out before leaving. There were a lot of people staying at the same hotel, like the dancers and bros, so as Joy and I wandered around we met a lot of familiar faces and anticipated a very interesting sleepless night...which did materialize but without the company of Arjun and Celeste who ditched us very quickly! Aw man.

Like the two playful spirits we are, Joy and I immediately dumped our clothes and rushed out to Toys R Us, which was in the mall adjacent to the hotel. We went mad, especially um, me. There were Transformers toys, Thomas the Train engines, retarded stuffed hammers that play Happy Birthday when you hit someone with them, and what were either blow up dolls for giants or large dolls whose lips were made for throwing small balls with retarded bee prints into.

This joy was short-lived though because we abruptly realized it was nearing 5, and we had not showered or chioified ourselves yet! We ran back to the hotel with our bags of newly purchased toys and found Ainsley there about to wear a skin-purifying mask, the ones with slits for the eyes nose and mouth.

With Ainsley lurking in the toilet talking nonsense, trying to put ah kua make up all over my face, and taking pictures when we least expect it, simple things like wearing contact lenses became impossible. He even made Aishah lmao so hard she nearly poked her eye when she was drawing on eyeliner. Meanwhile, I was sitting on the toilet bowl letting Ainsley delicately apply Aishah's eyeshadow on me. I turned to the mirror and got the shock of my life and desperately scrubbed everything off.

When we were all dressed, we made the difficult decision to walk to St Regis instead of cabbing. And there we saw Celeste, who looked very chio in a long dark blue gown, and Amaris, whom David said looked like a part of the British Royal Family because of her black velvet gloves. I thought Nadhira looked really really chio in her cut out black dress, IMO the chioest of all the girls Gabriel and I were checking out!

After the appetizers Hamza and I were dead bored. We resorted to the primary school classic slapping game to entertain ourselves, but I was very loser cos I didn't dare to slap Hamza's hand hard. So he challenged Gabriel, who upped the stakes by turning it into a face slapping game, but would cower in a ball and giggle instead of taking the punishment everytime he lost.

Then we ate horrible chicken that was as dry as an old man's skin. At that point we could take it no longer. Gabriel and I escaped to the Tanglin Mall supermarket to buy drinks and kill time. While we sat outside Tudor Court and lepaked, he recounted stories of his trip to Langkawi with David, Abel, and Ryan which ended just that afternoon! And like Russel Brand in Arthur, he had remained drunk for 5 days straight (6 including yesterday). During this period he was beaten up constantly and made many inappropriate comments to acquaintances of varying closeness, such as what he was trying to tan on the beach. Then, we walked back to the hotel, loled at the statue of an obese woman lying on her front in a fountain, and agreed again that ang moh women have an unusual level of confidence in their overweight figures. It's okay to display obese women statues in public places but probably not, if I made a statue of a super hot naked chick and put it in Orchard Road. Another injustice like the one we would face while trying to sleep around randomly in the hotel later lolol.

We returned in time to hear Stan being announced Prom King. Woohoo! But our lively friend was having a very bad night. First, he was drained from driving for the past few days and secondly, he'd lost his phone. The last we saw him, he was asking Ainsley and I for a place to relax and destress for the night. Oh no.

Next we sang the school anthem, during which Gabriel kept talking crazily and asking me to turn to check out girls about whom he wanted to make inappropriate comments. He also loudly announced his intentions to use the bathroom to Hamza, who sat on my other side.

Gabriel: I need to piss
Hamza: Piss here
Gabriel: I piss in your mouth
Hamza: Set la

Prom finally came to a close. I told David I couldn't believe girls and Jonks looked forward to it for so long and David just lolzed like he always does. But Jonks was having a great time. When I spoke to him, he reported that he had taken 200+ pictures so far. And it was only the start of the night! He must have 500++ right now.

Joy, Amaris and I dashed back to the hotel to pick up Ainsley's Climax and change my shoes cos I have learnt my lesson about wearing high heels out the whole night. The painful way! At St Regis, we suddenly saw Marcus! I greeted him with the "LOLOLOLOL-LOL" that he taught me and he replied the same way HAHA. Marcus was very high yesterday and even ended up jiggling Ainsley on his lap.

We then went to the post prom venue where our friends were quite stressed with running the event. Lim Heng was so stressed that Ainsley and I accompanied him to the Holiday Inn opposite to buy stuff from a lady who always gives him free bananas to help him be healthy, and lolzed at the portrait of the shopkeeper in her youth hung up on a wall.

Anyway it was a good night cos everything came free for me mwahaha. And that usually makes things pretty good! Except when people started getting really really drunk and puking everywhere and collapsing and puking more. Oh no. Arjun and I covered our eyes and ears and whimpered while David made retching sounds and hee hee hee'd and described the acrid smell of puke. These boys.

Celeste was sitting outside while the dancers went upstairs so Marcus, some other people and I kept her company by talking a lot of nonsense. He told us about how he'd finally moved to the new block, and the new inhabitant of his apartment was none other than beloved Uncle Jare! Celeste loled and told him to leave Munchie behind as a gift to Uncle Jare. Marcus was affronted and said Munchie was going with him. How would he look after Munchie while in NS though? Marcus raised his palm and imitated his dad declaring "I'll do it!" which made Celeste and I lolz thinking of Mr Chan Chee Wei bathing Munchie in his special chinchilla ash and playing all the games mentioned in the post before this. He also imitated his dad's "dafuq" face when Marcus showed up at home one night carrying a chinchilla pet.

Midway through reminiscing about Duc Anh's characteristic "Ouwhh" and his love poems, Bensoh showed up at the table looking like a zombie. He demanded extra drink coupons in a very stony voice and slumped in his chair. I was terrified he would start nosebleeding and puking simultaneously once again, but when we asked if he was okay and enjoying himself, he righteously and loudly said: "OF COURSE!"

He did not understand why we all began laughing madly. There was only 1 suitable response for such a situation and Marcus taught it to us proudly.

Step 1: cover the lower half of your face with left hand
Step 2: raise right hand
Step 3: flick your right hand downward at the wrist
Step 4: say "naise" in a high-pitched nasal retarded voice

If we were still in school everyone would be doing it in a week! Marcus is a true trendsetter. He is the one who popularized "same", "orly", "I don't even", "Umad?", "you jelly brah?"/"jelly" for jealous and other phrases! He also created "Plim", which is Patrick's first and last name merged together. Last night I also talked to Plim for the first time in my life! Although we have math classes together where I habitually entertain Audrey with my talking cock. I still remember the first time he started using "you jelly brah"! During ESS, he kept springing it on Ainsley, compelling puzzled Ainsley to urbandictionary it. From that day on we were enlightened.

Finally 3am came around and a 50 dollar profit was made, leaving David and Lim Heng really relieved. 7heodore tested me on integration and differentiation by the road. I was reminded that doing math while feeling high is just as lousy as doing math while feeling normal. We celebrated by walking to Spize after sending Ainsley CY and Marcus off there in a cab there first. Marcus had to carry Ainsley around because he was sleepy. BUT before that I ran into Hans! He congratulated me on still being alive and asked about IB, asking if I could get a 43 like he did. High expectations!!

Then, Chairman David once again led us on a Long March to Spize. David really just likes to walk everywhere. But after a while, Marcus came over and told us Ainsley was feeling bad and puking in the toilet while gesturing and making faces to show us what Ainsley looked like. Joy and I abandoned our food heroically and ran to save him by hauling him into a cab with Chuanyang. On the cab ride, he repeatedly announced that he puked out red shit that he thought was blood but realized was semi-digested cherries.

We got to the hotel room and awkwardly woke Kar Min and Zach up from their peaceful slumber. CY and I gave Ainsley two plastic bags and a dustbin and let him curl up and recover. Then I dragged Joy and Arjun out to wander the world! But Arjun was hungry and Joy unwilling to karaoke at a seedy underground pub with me. So we instead sat in Macs until around 4.

After we returned to the hotel, Anus was feeling much better. At first, we chillaxed in the hotel lobby and talked nonsense and lolzed lazily. But it was so cold! So we ran upstairs, stripped a bed of all its sheets and comforter, and brought the covers and pillows out into the hall so as not to disturb KM and Zach with our impending orgy.

Our activities aroused the suspicions of two managers, who came over and told us to gtfo. Apparently they'd been watching us lying around outside on some hidden CCTV! Woah. We went back into the room and lay in bed for 30 minutes. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fall asleep! I curled up in the congested bed and thought about random things. Somehow, my thoughts drifted to Duc Anh and Marcus and I lolzing over his nasal "ouwhhh" that he made when Jarett poked him awake one day. I started lmaoing in bed while trying not to wake everyone up. It was the exact same thing that happened one night in WOW! CY, Anus, Joy and I were in the same bed, trying to sleep away the last 1hr before sunrise after an all nighter. Again, a random retarded thought had surfaced in my mind and made me lolz so uncontrollably and endlessly the bed shook and woke everyone despite my best efforts.

So, brimming with energy, I got up and did a bit of pilates then walked over to Macs with Joy to buy breakfast for everyone which we ate in bed ^^ We felt just like tourists, wandering around Orchard at 7am in our sleeping clothes, completely dissheveled and stuff.

Afterward, we escorted Ainsley to the pool toilet to shit so he wouldn't dirty our shared tiny toilet. Under the gentle and alluring warmth of the morning sun, Joy, Ainsley and I sat down on some comfy pool chairs and talked a bit. But it was just too comfortable and we ended up falling asleep suddenly. Only to be awoken by the same 2 managers that told us to go away earlier that morning!

They said we were not allowed to sleep by the pool :-( At first we were just stoned and said okay. Then indignance took over and Joy and I thought of this gif in unison...

We started rofling while Ainsley giggled sleepily.

Then we walked sianzly back to our room and Ainsley tried to sleep but...

We just kept on lolzing madly and uncontrollably when CY, Ainsley and I all realized we'd seen this before and IT HAD COME TRUE. LOL.

For some reason, I also told them about how my dad used to think Beauty and the Beast was Beauty and the Breast. It set off another uncontrollable bout of lolz.

Kar Min and Zach woke up and we told them
1. that they were sleeping in the same position as Anus and CY (cuddled)
2. that we felt like they were our parents, and we were their crazy and noisy kids

Then, because of the pillow and sleep problem, Joy, CY and I went home. The end! I only wrote the major uncensored things I remembered and it's already so long.

love sticks, sweat drips

2011-11-21T22:47:00.004+08:00

Helllloooooo I wonder if anyone even visits anymore! Even I have forgotten to write more of these retarded non-fiction tales...which is a pity because they happened in abundance - amazingly since the last few weeks we were having hardcore exams.

Anyway tomorrow is prom and post-prom day! I'm a bit worried now because I still haven't found all my prom clothes lol and I don't really wanna show myself to the world tomorrow. But prom nia.

So let me write about something much more interesting...

MUNCHIE
Owner: Marcus Chan KK
Colour: Grey
Favourite food: Camel Nuts
Last visited: After ESS paper 1!
By: Anus and Benny

After the ESS students created a gigantic cloud of noise outside the examination venue by eating cereal, shouting out the stages of succession, lolzing about the dodobird's scientific name ("raphus cucullatus" - I always instinctively think of professors talking about the magnificent raphus cucullatus genus in a very sophisticated way and lmao), we went in for a 1 hour long paper where a condom-encased individual raged about Jean's calculator.

After that, the ESS students nommed in the sack and then Ainsley and I got a chance to crash Doraisamy Mansions and visit Marcus' chinchilla, Munchie! It was...the cutest pet of all our friends' famous pets.

1. Munchie
2. Otis
3. Mingyang's reptiles

For all his cuteness Munchie unfortunately had to endure our wuliao behaviour. Marcus showed us how to tickle Munchie with a piece of hay, driving him into a twitching jumping fit as he tried to bat the hay away. We ended up tickling Munchie in three directions while lolzing as he jumped around furiously.
Marcus also taught us how to blow air in Munchie's face, which again made him flail in the air and try to flap our breath away HAHAHA.

However, Munchie was not totally defenceless and seemed to enjoy bullying Ainsley, much like his owner. Marcus told us to try making Munchie jump from step to step by dangling nuts a little distance in front of his twitching face. After Munchie snatched the nuts out of Ainsley's fingers successfully a few times in a row, Marcus sighed and told Ainsley kindly to stop getting owned by a chinchilla.

Munchie later let Ainsley carry him. A short while later he started to chew on Ainsley's fingernails.

With the cage open, we enticed Munchie to jump out of his cage using camel nuts. He started to explore Marcus' room and tried to clean itself by rubbing itself vigorously on the rug and then leaping in the air crazily. Munchie also nibbled on Marcus' shirt and tried to creep into Marcus' clothes closet, where Marcus said Munchie can play for hours. But he still does not know what exactly Munchie does in there.

After petting and carrying Munchie around zealously we finally let him return to his cage in peace, where he desperately tried to rub his own head clean of the dirt from our hands and demanded a bath from Marcus!

Isn't this the most wonderful pet LOL. I told Celeste she should have come, but she insisted she would be too frightened. Celeste has always told me about her animal (especially cat) phobia, which Ranny and Bchen also suffer from, and I finally saw it when we walked into a shop in Haji Lane where 2 obese cats were squatting! She just went pale and walked very very briskly and tensely out of the shop and started cursing all animals with death. Niran's phobia of animals led to a very dramatic incident some time back which I didn't see first hand! But this is how he re-told it at Stella one day:

It was a fine, sunny day at the beach. Niran and his friends were chilling at the beach. All of a sudden, a rotten monstrous dog came charging toward them. Ranny acted on his insincts and sprinted into the sea to escape, with his phone in his pocket and clothes all on. The dog thought they were playing a game and chased him right into the water. It was a very tragic day.

The laughter was broken by Leon's question.

Leon: When's your birthday?
Niran: Long time ago, why?
Leon: I'm gonna buy you a poodle.

Here comes the end of a retarded post about animals. Some, like Ben Mok with specific reference to Hamza, would say that all stories about people from our class are animal tales though. And hopefully many more will come especially with our 1-and-a-half-year late class trip to the zoo!

one moment was like you are in the desert

2011-10-12T00:20:00.002+08:00

Amaris asked me to watch this and I'm very glad I did.
There are lots of real life train-loving Sheldons in Singapore.
The video also feels like the Noose. RC will love it.

Little India

2011-10-08T00:29:00.004+08:00

HOW TO CREATE A TRADITIONAL INDIAN FAMILY NAME
by Gabriel Fang

Step 1: Take your computer keyboard
Step 2: Smash it
Step 3: Close your eyes and piece together words from the disjointed letter keys
Step 4: Adopt the word as your new surname

Indians are very clearly beloved by us. Today, Joy, Niran, Gabriel, Bensoh, David and I were eating at Wah Chee after getting back our results. Niran had done really well especially in Econs, doing Stella and all risk-takers proud. His mum was deeply proud of his achievements and called halfway through his meal, trying to press some kind of reward onto him.

Being busybodies, we all started asking him what his mum wanted that made him so vigorously and vehemently exclaim into his phone "Ma it's OKAY", almost like Stan's "FRICK la dey". David and Gabriel asked persistently if Mrs Ranjakunalan was rushing to buy Niran a celebratory cow. When Niran shook his head furiously they started coming up with more animals that had something loosely to do with Hinduism e.g mice.

Suddenly I had a brainwave and asked Niran if his mum was trying to betroth him like how Ranny always claims is Sanjev's fortunate fate. Niran gave me the -_- face while Gabriel hooted with laughter and he and David mercilessly started demanding to know who Niran's mum bought for Niran's wife.

At this moment we realized Joy coincidentally had just left the table a few minutes before this...to accept a phone call!! Enlightenment dawned upon us and no matter what Niranjan said, we ignored his protests that he and Joy didn't just get engaged. So he changed tactics and began projecting my marital future which was a very saddening but effective expedient.

Niran's targets range far and wide and included Leon when he and Stella signed a pact to give Leon a real Inception experience this afternoon. The agreement was for Stella to act very normally and abruptly respond to Leon with "That's crazy man!"
Niran and Matthew Choo laughed very deviously and asked Stella to recount Leon's response next week.

If this part were to be characterized by a theme, it would be misbehaving Indians. So the next story is Sanjev's deception of the school librarians. He had borrowed a book on Lee Kuan Yew for his History IA which we submitted around March? April? this year. For the whole year, everyone in class who visited the library was reminded to tell Sanjev to pay. Even Mr Hee was not exempt and had to hide his face in shame for half a year and tread cautiously around the librarian's lair!

So Mr C resorted to terror and force in September by sending Sanjev forceful texts to remind him of his criminal act. When Sanjev repeatedly and sneakily ignored Mr C's texts, it came down to a great showdown today.

Mr C brandished a piece of paper that showed how Sanjev owed the library 17 dollars worth of fines for evading the librarians for about a year. Sanjev "smiled cheekily" and said something about how he was prepared to wait until the next renovation of the library and its rules on borrowing and make some "negotiations" in the meantime. Stan added some insightful comments to the situation by crying "Oh LUENELL" in a Borat voice.
Mr C was exasperated but looked amused. He gave up and went to talk to Aik Leng about coming late to school for about a year, another long-lived criminal act to the school.

The most severe crime is the theft of the 6.12 holepuncher by 6.8. While waiting for P.Davies there Ainsley and I were astonished to find our holepuncher, the saviour of panicky occasions when our teachers demand the collection of files. It was so shocking that Tim Wong fainted and spent the whole period sprawled on the table making soft sounds with his mouth open on the table. Almost as shocking as the time Ainsley was asking Marcus about Munchie's sex life.

Deviating from this racial theme, Hamza, Lim Heng and I were close to grave moral downfall a few weeks back while we wasting time at Island Creamery. We were boredly checking out the photos on the wall and trying to find chio girls. There were some chio girls but not many interesting photos. The thought jolted something in my retarded brain and I suggested the many ways we could decorate it, such as...putting up pictures of Benmok before his diet? Hamza and I quickly found the picture of Benmok enjoying cheese fries in his old days and Lim Heng laughed madly and wildly. But we didn't do anything haha...except Hamza is very earnestly considering bringing a whole photo album of his childhood photos and pasting them in chronological order across a whole wall so all Island ice cream eaters will in future gaze at the 18 years life story of a retarded boy named Hamza.

we are dancing in the dark

2011-10-05T21:42:00.002+08:00

Today is a good example of the intrinsic value of education because of all the retarded things that happened at school, which Joy and Gabriel missed!

At least they were around for the rest of the week, which was already very admirable and unusual. On Tuesday, Gabriel came upon a rare find that delighted him profoundly. It was a Nic______ (Nic Phoon? Nic Lee? Nic...? We'll never know ^^) knocked out in the corridors, a priceless discovery. He was stunned despite observing this sight everyday during assembly and decided to copy this individual's example and also documented the occasion with a well-taken photo. Maybe so he can save it to the person's number one day if he ever gets it :-(

At 7+++ the incompetent non-intact classes were still chillaxing outside our classrooms because we were all too lazy to get keys. Instead, we just sat all over the floor like maids in Lucky Plaza and played iassociate hehe and talked nonsense such as discussing how deeply convinced we were that because there was a storm brewing it was definitely a sign of the end of the world.

Another fine truth that emerged was JQ suddenly shouting "CHIMP" at Niran after a great LCW lecture today. When Niran turned around, ready to retaliate at this injustice, JQ then shouted loudly in the LT, "Bensoh said it! Bensoh called you a chimpanzee!"
There is a very predictable ending to this story. Bensoh ended up being the one named a chimp for eternity, even by those uninvolved e.g Hamza, and everyone lived happily ever after. Sorry for this redundant tale.

If there is anything truly original to be known in this world it is Ainsley and Jonk's knowledge of geography. While cabbing to town today, Ainsley volunteered to give the cab driver the destination.

Ainsley: Uncle
Taxi Uncle: Ya ah boy?
Ainsley: Concorde Hotel
Ainsley: The one beside the Esplanade

Jonkoh and I just stared at Ainsley for a few minutes and the taxi driver was very silent in his embarrassment at the youth of today.

Jonkoh and I: Huh?
Ainsley: Yeah the one at Esplanade

After a while we started lolzing very crazily in the taxi when we realized Ainsley thought the Esplanade was the Istana, but the bus driver remained stonily quiet and also did not turn on any music. I think he anticipated Jonkoh singing along to the radio.

When the laughter died down Jonkoh spoke up again

Jonkoh: I thought the Istana is the place where we bought costumes
Ainsley: OMG that's Far East Plaza
Jonkoh: No...the very scary one
Me: That's Mustafa

The poor cab driver was forced to endure us lolzing raucously about Jonkoh wanting to buy a kilt from the President.

Jon and Ainsley had disappeared during recess though and Celeste and I were soon wondering where they'd gone. It was all revealed when we walked out of the sack and spotted a figure in the distance screaming, jumping, and trying to throw a folded piece of paper into the air which kept flying back toward him and creating more screaming like a poverty cycle. It was actually not as autistic as it looked, because Jonkoh was actually flying paper aircraft with Amanda. However, she and Carissa were completely hidden behind a pillar so to a casual observer it looked like Jonkoh was screaming and throwing paper gleefully by himself.

Having found Jonkoh, Celeste and I walked closer to find Ainsley. He was not as flamboyant, but the moment Celeste and I identified him and Zac sitting side by side on a bench by the pond with very serious, calm expressions was a thunderous one. We could not stop laughing as we tried to explain how they looked like a couple in a park from far and...from close?

We really are very easily amused.

So is Hamza. All recess he was passionately assessing the stupidity of individual crimials he watched on a tv show about the world's most retarded criminals. One robbed a bank with a toy gun and squirted water into the teller's face when she threatened to call the police. Another tried to stage a hold-up with a hammer. There was also another who challenged the boundaries of retardedness by robbing a bank in a chicken suit. But Hamza's no. 1 was a notorious criminal who had sex with a picnic table using the hole where the picnic umbrella is supposed to stand in front of a school.

Hamza: Niran
Niran: (Nomming fries)
Hamza: Niran (into Niran's unblocked ear)
Niran: What
Hamza: Would you fuck a table

Niran made a classic -_- face and said "Never, that's the only thing worse than fucking a gay"

This is the ONE time they both came to a consensus (tables are undesirable sex partners).

And I think I should stop on this good note and end with one I found in my econs TB just now!!

Bernie: How do you calculate Consumer Price Index?
Gabriel: Give a bunch of aunties a plastic bag and see how much they spend at NTUC

we're everything you're not

2011-09-29T20:24:00.007+08:00

Today was supposed to be one of fun and laughter with Joy and Arjun and Zephr and later, Gabriel and David and Lim Heng and Emily and Gordon and more animals :'( But an angry mother has killed these dreams and turned it into an absolutely boring day of sneakily watching Masterchef behind a history book.

As a bad omen, I even had a horrible nightmare last night. In it, everyone was sitting sleepily in chapel when all of a sudden, the senior admin called Joy and I up to the stage! We got there feeling bewildered and frightened and were ordered to start singing xmas carols to the whole school. Wtf? To avoid being purged by Jiang Qing we obediently did as told. Our singing was very bad and unenthusiastic and JQ stood up in the front row and started laughing madly and shouting "shrivamuthy" or what he always teases Joy. I think that part came out of Jean telling me how JQ habitually shouts at De Zhong for his singing when De Zhong goes on stage lolol.

What a nightmare right?

But JQ has his fears too! Before the econs paper as we were all stressing out madly, Jonk began to scream even louder than usual pre-exam nerves. There was a lizard on his chair!! It crawled toward Celeste and Amaris. They started screaming too. The lizard jumped backward and sprinted around frantically while Lim Heng tried to hit it with his umbrella. Instead of killing it, he just chased it toward Ranny and JQ. To everyone's surprise and amusement they sprang to their feet and backed away furiously HAHA. Fortunately, Mini Mat (Mok Man's sidekick) swooped in and saved the day by picking it up with his bare hands and dumping it into the shrubs.

Another exam-time hero was Gabriel, who, when I was panicking before a paper, pulled out a huge flask of hot calming tea and offered me a cup. And when I had a bad gastric, he miraculously also was prepared with packets and packets of stomach painkillers and anti-farting pills which were actually very effective last year!

Ok here comes the end of a boring post. Pickchure tiem!

Ehehe oh 9gag.com

hide your kids hide your wife

2011-09-24T21:18:00.005+08:00

Quotes written in the margins that I found in my history notes while I was studying:

Mr C: The New Life Movement had campaigns like 'stop spitting, farting, talking loudly'
Joy: Our class will never survive

Mr C: There were about 12000 casualties from x battle during the Long March
Gabriel: They took 12000 for the team

Mr C: China performed badly in the invasian of Vietnam in 1979
Gabriel: Cuong did a good job ah

Other quotes I did not write down but remembered cos they were funny:

Hamza: I wanted to use soap as an example of a necessity during the econs paper. But then I thought of Marcus Teo and changed it to rice.

Stan (to Gabriel): What are the lyrics for Shots?

This week began with a massacre of econs & math but had a very fun ending! And tomorrow (- Bchen, Sanjev, Yos and other HL math smartypants) will be the end of exam woots woots. I wish we'd finished last Friday so tonight we could all be watching Linkinpark (with Cuong the ultimate LP fan) instead of sitting here typing this very very boredly and sleepily.

After the horror of math on Thursday, David, Hamza, Lim Heng and I decided to go to Adam to nom. But Lim Heng's Physics paper was going to end 2 hours after we were let out of math! So here is how we amazingly amused ourselves for 2 whole hours

1. Rubbing Niranjan's head while Hamza repeatedly commented that it felt like a cat, one of Niran's hated animals
2. Asking if Ryan Wee is part of a Malayian triad
3. Lying down on the bench and stoning
4. Being urged by David to choke him
5. Massaging David by taking off shoes and walking up and down his back (Hamza did it)
6. Helicoptering Hamza around on David's shoulders

And somehow, 2 hours passed while we were doing these retarded things. After Lim Heng had finished his paper we 74ed down to Adam while Hamza shared gratuitously personal stories about marathon masturbation that left us all stunned + mimicking Stan acting out scenes from "eat da poo poo", which Stan always starts shouting out in econs everytime some African nation/African economic crisis/African-sounding word is mentioned by Bernie.

It was a very fattening 3-course afternoon that started with famous Nasi Lemak, then sheep tongue soup, then sheep BRAIN soup, then bone marrow in red food colouring, then island creamery Apple Pie and Cookies and Cream ice cream! It was quite a life-changing experience eating a sheep's brain while Lim Heng exclaimed very loudly and enthusiastically about the white and grey matter that started to show up when a piece fell out of the soup and dried on the table. Sheep's brain actually tastes like tofu...I wonder what Amaris the vegetarian would say about that!

The bone marrow came a while later and it was really just a humongous platter of shattered sheep (??) bones covered in cabbage and red food colouring. Hamza, David and Lim Heng went wild sucking at the bones and giggling. Hamza, the veteran tulang eater, was showing off some skills to get the marrow all out in one go and splattered the sauce pornographically all over his shirt. His hands were completely red from the dye too and Hamza declared that the level of redness is a marker of your tulang eating vigour with mine being the noobiest (only two red fingers).

Lolol so how? Will you join us this week for round 2?

On Friday it was Avalon day! With lots of Stalin-style cunning and trickery, I snuck out of the house to go watch Congorock and M.A.N.D.Y and Toxic Avengers and Gabriel shrieking and rummaging through potted plants...but wait! Joy was supposed to come too. Unfortunately, she had fallen down in the middle of some mysterious strenous activity earlier in the week. (Lolol while typing and wondering what midnight exercise Joy could have been doing that I suddenly thought of "climbin in your windows, snatching your people up")

TBC I went to listen to the Bed Intruder song and Youtube is too addictive to stop!

PSPS. Thanks x1209120219831 for being a good friend and stopping me when I wanted to meet my curfew ^^ I am grateful now despite my allnighter whiny worrying hehe

PSPSPS. I also remembered how Stan, David, Arjun and I ran into LCW, Gabriel's favourite and Jonk's and Joy's deeply disliked math teacher late at night outside the MBS area. He gave us a suspicious one over and sniffed David while we gave him hee hee faces. After commenting on the unique smell coming from David, he turned his attention to Arjun and asked if he was ready for the math paper 2 days later. Stan immediately shouted in the mrt station: "Sir he's been ready even before IB. For him the exams ended when they began!"

But as we parted, Stan's skepticism was revealed and he decided to test Arjun with some crafty calculus questions.

Stan: Differentiate 2x^3
Arjun: 8x^2
Stan: Woah yeah you still have it

It took them both a few minutes of walking to realise the truth of the matter. But in the end Arjun said he only didn't know how to do 1 question in the whole paper -_- He's definitely going to be a Brands Chicken Essence star next year

bubble pop

2011-09-15T22:07:00.006+08:00

Did you listen to the Generationals???

Today began on a truly retarded note as Celeste discovered how she and Ranny had an identical wassant breakfast...only they were packaged completely different. Because Celeste's was as always inside a Rilakuma box, the nostrilled chick box this time! Niran was very intrigued and eagerly asked where it came from. Celeste launched into a detailed explanation on how to purchase Rilakuma lunchboxes from Isetan before realizing Ranny was interested in the bread and not lunchboxes of a chicken with flared nostrils that would make him look like "a complete moron" if he carried one strolling down the corridors to the SAC. Niran is always very amused by Rilakuma because the first time Celeste introduced it to him, her voice went through his hearing-deficient ear and into his brain as "Kiran...Kumar?"
He started rofling as anyone would if someone told them a they had Kiran Kumar printed on their lunchbox.

These words of wisdom made me think of his rant about Sanjev during the chem exam which he shared with us at the bus stop after running into Sanjev's fake father (the sec school Indian teacher). Niran was having a bit of good luck and foresaw a lepak future in high-risk stocks playing, because the only 2 chapters of chem he riskily didn't fug for didn't come out! So he was chillaxing and answering questions happily when he heard a fart.

He looked to his right. Sanjev looked back at him and gave him a "cheeky smile". In that instant Ranny knew deep in his heart who the culprit was. A few moments later, Sanjev was apparently crumpling up paper to create ambient distraction noise. Ranny then knew with utmost certainty Sanjev was guilty of doing it again, and was relieved the blasting air-con in the hall was enough to help him avoid smelling anything suspicious.

Celeste had more funny tales of our interesting classmate to share. Today, she was telling me about how she, Stan, Bchen and Sanjev had lunch before and Sanjev was recounting the nuances of Hinduism to them all. He had a very logical approach to his religion and couldn't stop stressing how there is a Hindu elephant god that rides around on a "small tiny mouse". To add to his point, Sanjev cited how he once watched a tv show featuring these gods. Suddenly, amongst the many gods, Jesus appeared.
Celeste, Stan, and Bchen gained many insights to Hinduism that day and Celeste went to wiki what Sanjev was talking about. There really really is an elephant god that travels on a mouse.

Living with Sanjev has made Bchen very perceptive to his house mate's beliefs. Yesterday before going in for History, Bchen declared that he worries Sanjev will beat him in the exam. He then cackled evilly and said he already thought of a plan to defeat Sanjev.
It is to taint Sanjev's food with beef before the IB real deal. Bchen anticipates that Sanjev's gods will curse him for eating beef and make him fail his exams.

Religious misfortune struck Hamzah too. After attending prayers at his mosque, he emerged to find that his shoes had been "borrowed". Hamzah was forced to go home barefoot. This fate could have been Gabriel's too. After we came out of Hamzah's house a while ago, Gabriel's slippers were missing! He searched the many pairs of shoes but they were simply gone. All of a sudden, he spotted them! They were being worn by one of Hamzah's relatives. Gabriel managed to get them back, but was asked why he never wrote his name on them.

Another interesting relative of Hamza's is his brother, who Hamza said has become a real ladies man, making Hamza deeply jealous.
"What does he have that I don't?!" He cried.
"Fats" I said and that was the correct answer.
Hamza's pervy face melted onto his face as he thought of Mokman, but quickly clarified that Mok isn't that type. TOO QUICKLY. What came out was...

"Mok is a one-man lady dey"

Celeste and I laughed madly and looked around to find Mok, but he was nowhere to be seen. We speculated that he was studying for Bio. But much later, we realized it's Mok's birthday today! Happy birthday Mokman! I will definitely be drawing you a Mokman comic after prelims! Actually, I was reading my archives one day and saw a post where Hamza said that one day Mok would be slim and all the Mokman jokes will forever end.

It looks like these are the prophecized days. Once, we were crowding into the lift after Stella. Suddenly, an unknown figure slipped through the narrow, closing gap of the lift doors. Halfway down the elevator ride, Leon shouted that he didn't even recognize that it was Mok until a few seconds later (that moment).

LMAO and just a few minutes before this happened at the lift lobby, someone said something like "up or down?", referring to the lift. But I looked at Bensoh and started laughing madly, thinking about that particular incident. Sadly no one else laughed with me :-(

Returning to the theme of farting, it was also noted by Ranny that Gabriel is the true ultimate farter. Once the topic was broached, all our collective tales on Gabriel's habit began spilling out. CY reminisced upon how Gabriel farted repeatedly in the quiet library multiple times while studying history. I recalled how Gabriel once farted in front of a certain member of the senior admin population. This was a story Ranny was familiar with and he shook his head emotionally. He then remarked that Gabriel is "an animal". A few seconds later, Celeste and I were still laughing about it and asked Ranny how he could come up with these crazy but apt aphorisms about the world. He was shocked and swore he genuinely couldn't even remember saying them.

Niran, do you remember what you said about B.W before history?! It was sincerely hilarious. His rant was passionate and invigorated like a Hitler rally. Matthew Choo and I were Ranny's audience as he went on and on about how he hated this individual from Stella for his supernatural mugging. First Ranny said he hated him. Then, how he must have started studying for IB since Sec 3. Then, how this character probably tumbled out of the womb with a book in hand. Ranny could really be Hitler, who he professed could have been a cool guy if he didn't go ahead with the Holocaust.

His rant fluctuated between hating muggertoads and hating his ACS sweater. He bought it for IOC because his teacher had repeatedly told him how cold it would be. And it's always wise to trust a rabbi right?
But peeling the sweater off left a woolly coating of blue lint on himself. He was infuriated and put his sweater on again, torn between the sweltering heat and looking like a linty blue moron. In the end he succumbed to the second option since only Matthew Choo, Shivam and I were there.

!!!

This has reminded me of a despicable creature. This particular bench by the Astroturf is the habitat of a retarded fly. Yesterday, it was buzzing around Aishah persistently. It's not even like a normal fly but keeps flying SO CLOSE. Today, Celeste and I studied at the same spot and it was at it again! Little CB! Ziken walked past us as we were flailing and screaming and trying to kill it, and tried to hide his laughter. He was as unsuccessful as our murder attempts. We decided to find lebensraum and moved away. Stupid fly.

There, Celeste and I had a 70 20 10 approach like Mao. 70% studying 20% laughing and talking nonsense 10% going to the toilet and refilling water to take a break from fugging. She reminded me of her retarded dream that had very realistic origins. Bernie is a big fan of emailing our econs classes interesting articles he finds online and expects us to read them. Celeste had just gotten one of these emails and instead of dutifully reading it, she flipped her BB over and went to nap. She became a veritable Alice Tan in Wonderland with her surreal dream.

It was an IOC setting. Bernie was inside a room and called us all in groups. What could this be about? To cut a long story succintly short, he asked our class to do splits and calculated how many people it would take for our legs to be equal to the perimeters of the room.

Celeste woke up very puzzled because nothing made sense at all. Then she realized her brain had created a very extreme interpretation of Bernie's email, which was actually to tell us to meet in the Department Room to settle admin stuff.

I have not written about IOC! It was such a relief. And a miracle! I went in, picked an envelope, and got GOUGING OF THE EYE, which David and Niran also picked. I was having a terrible sore throat during IOC like Niran and was so worried one of our IOC nightmares would come true. Joy's latest one had involved all of us going into IOC shivering in tank tops, the designated exam attire. It was pretty wild.

I went in and...no nightmare happened! It went well. Gouging of the eye was the exact scene I'd wanted! Right from the start of preparing for IOCs. Haha I definitely did something right for this good luck to come by way. Everyone did well ^^ so who knew, all the reports that IOC was nothing to worry about were partially valid.

Anyway back to studying in the afternoon...we were concentrating hard when a boy's phone began to ring. His ringtone was the defeaning sound of some Chinese New Year song. We just died laughing (but covertly).

Time passed slower than...I wanted to type Bensoh lolol but it's not true, Bensoh's actually not slow. Celeste and I decided to waste some time by talking about our Home Ec lessons in our sec schools. They were so fun!!! I was Amaris' partner and with her skills and my...provision of fresh produce we made really yummy food. The introspection borne from today's discussion made me realize our Home Ec exam was like a small Masterchef themed invention test. Amaris and I got the "Mexican" theme and we cooked burritos, pumpkin and cream cheese cupcakes, and something else I kind of forgot. I designed the menu by hand! We got great grades but didn't get to cook off against a celebrity chef.

Celeste and I also had an intense discussion on scholars, which she sparked off when she said Shreyas and Shil Ghosh are scholars (???). I said, definitely not. She said, I insist. Dear friends, I hope if you're reading this you won't be telling these people about our nonsensical hypotheses leh! Because...we moved from Celeste saying she just got the impression from their appearances (???) to what we pictured them as in future. Celeste said Shreyas would be a chef. I said Shreyas would be a banker. We both agreed Ghosh looked very salesmanly. We also as a side note agreed Gabriel could be a great pastor, which is what he always says he will be when confronted with bad results.

Speaking of scholars, Celeste told me a very funny story about Marcus, who also lives in Doraisamy mansions. Before teachers' day, Celeste gave him a bar of chocolate to thank him for teaching her how to add subtitles to torrented shows. The next day, he reported that he ate it for his lunch. Celeste asked why he didn't ask his neighbours for food. Marcus replied that it was because his neighbour was Mr Shaun Choo. Being a bit deaf and a bit mad, like most people in 6.12, I said: Huh? You mean the boy in our econs class who's always sleeping?

Celeste lolzed until she couldn't correct me for a while. I was talking about the Shaun who plays squash very pro-ly while she was talking about the year director. We started wondering who would be very funny to ask for lunch. It was a unanimous decision that the person would be Oja, especially after I remembered Hamza's tales involving Oja, spear-fishing, and our school pond. LOL.

On another note, Marcus, Stan and CY lately have been flinging random items from the rubbish bin in 6.18 at the bee hive in the tree nearby and then quickly slamming the window shut. One day, these three people might get swarmed by bees and it will be a very sad incident but one that we will probably laugh very badly at.

Conclusively, the wildlife in our school is teeming. Nirmz once told us how she often sees 2 kingfishers flying around. One of them is prone to flying into the building repeatedly, which she speculated was a mating ritual (???). I was telling Celeste about this and she asked where they get the fish from. That's true right! Who would eat from the school pond? Other than...

Omg this post is extremely long! With the note that Nirmz is an avid birdwatcher, it shall end nao. Goodnight, happy birthday Mokman!

you remind me of a distant constellation

2011-09-12T22:11:00.005+08:00

P.S. LISTEN TO THE GENERATIONALS. I listen to them everyday now and Actor-Caster is just priceless C:

But I bet no one will really listen to them just like when you all don't watch Numbnutz until I beg RC to play it during English class :-( I swear if anyone listens to this you will NOT regret it!!!

dirty mister dirty

2011-09-12T21:52:00.005+08:00

Just now Ainsley and I overheard two ang moh women opposite the OC bus stop gesticulating and talking in a foreign language extremely animatedly. He started lolzing and whispered that they sounded like Sims. LOL. But it was the truest thing I've ever heard.

And I just found Bad Girls Club Season 7 ep 6 woots woots. It's amazing you know! In this ep 2 girls sex up 2 guys whose names they never find out for the whole duration of the ep...so they decide to name them!!! One of the mystery hook ups called Fontino was re-named Carlos. It was an improvement.

Good lucks for tomorrow's papers!

teacher's day 2011 & hari raya

2011-09-02T10:26:00.004+08:00

I just found a post from how long ago! All I wanted to do was quickly write about how last night when I was extremely sleepy Bchen texted me to say he asked Sanjev to 'quiff' (typo of queeve) and I found this! I read the message many times and when I realized that really was what he meant, their friendship was redefined in my eyes. Anw this is what happened years and years ago:

Happy teachers day! Yesterday was the grand celebration in school and ACES day right before! Bensoh was very curious about what ACES could possibly stand for and when Celeste enthusiastically exclaimed "All Children Exercising Simultaneously!", Bensoh was astonished and refused to believe such a retarded exercise existed. But it did...

Afterward, we headed to the auditorium where it was free seating. Disorder quickly followed without any teachers sitting by us and crazy Lim Heng sitting with an even crazier Ranny. Before the celebrations even started, these two were having an unsilent auction as they tried to bribe Sanjev into sitting on Cuong's lap. When they reached 30 dollars, Shivam stepped in and shouted "Let ME sit on Cuong's lap".

It was a glimpse into a brave new world as without Mr C to bombard us with threats of sitting on the aisles pinching our own ears as punishment, Ranny went wild and his comments went unrestrained. As the principal began his devotions, saying "I thank you all [teachers] for your...", Ranny exclaimed in a similar tone, raising his palms, "Sir I thank you for Yos la"

He then went on to lolz at the choir, the boarding school students dance, and definitely the senior admin.

Ranny has an incredible ability to make fun of anything, even impoverished people on kiva.com, a site which Berny asked us to check out because it facilitated micro-lending which we were studying in Developmental Econs. Celeste and I were surprised to see Hamzah and Niran poring over the site one day and it turned out they were typing our friends' names into the system and laughing at LEDC versions of ourselves, like Filipino Celeste and Indonesian Benita. They were also especially unforgiving of overweight kiva users who were asking for more food. Celeste and I just died laughing as Ranny gave a commentary on all the photos and requests on the site. We looked at it until it refused to continue loading. But Berny will be very happy to know that we actually take his recommendations to heart.

This teachers day, I made Mr C a card with a Hokusai print and behind it, I wrote heaps of funny quotes he made in class. Mr C was very amused and later said it made him glad that our class was robust enough to take the insults he dished out.

We have had great training by Uncle Jare of last year! Bchen reminded me of how some people from our class shared a tigger float for Singapore's last line of defence previously. He then hypothesized, "Imagine if you're looking out at the school swimming pool and see Jarett floating there alone". I immediately thought of Mao in the Yangtze and burst into lolz. Yos, please look out for such a grand sight!!

This week has been full of holidays. On Tuesday, Ranny, Gabriel, Shivam, Stan, Phoon, David and I went to Hamzah's house to pay him a Hari Raya visit. Celeste too was supposed to go, but she chose sleep and Curvy Mervy's essay over great company and delicious Hari Raya noms :-(

I took the bus up to Bukit Batok and to my astonishment, Hamzah's house was just a few blocks from Rachel's!!! So I forced Rachel to come out and meet me with chips hehe, disrupting her from her intense Bio mugging. She chastised me for taking advantage of her inability to say no, just like her brother. 2 weeks before prelims, we went to explore the jungle opposite her apartment. It was full of weeds and insects.

After David called, I finally found Hamzah in the dense jungle of flats. We went up to his place and everyone was already there, playing games on Hamzah's xbox under the supervision of his very funny brother, who Hamzah always describes as being obese but actually is not!

He had rather interesting tales to tell us, such as how Hamzah was shaving in the morning and decided to use an unknown pink shaver to get rid of his moustache. It was only later that he discovered this shaver was specifically used by his mum to shave armpits...

These were the kind of personal stories the two Bin Zaids amused their guests with. Hamzah's mum had great cooking skillz, and everyone ate madly except for Gabriel who was nomming some kind of curry happily until Hamzah informed him that it was made of "spare cow parts".

Another kewl feature of Hamzah's house was the huge 3d TV in the living room. It was truly amazing and the 3d effect when you wear the glasses makes anything worth watching, even the absolutely boring documentary on dinosaurs playing at the time. In Hamzah's words, even a clip of a helicopter flying could become very mind-blowing.

After lunch everyone went back to Hamzah's study and while Gabriel watched Dream High, his addiction, the other boys found a racing game where Niran's 17 horsepower Fiat became an object of enormous lolz.

Here's where I stopped writing last time. Lately I've become a Masterchef addict and watched 9 old eps yesterday. It's terrible! Now I understand why Celeste has to rush home and watch the show no matter how heavy the workload that night.
I was so bored yesterday that I started thinking of pressure tests to subject my maid to so I can help her improve her standards of cooking. Maybe the 'fix the flawed bolognaise' challenge with curry instead. That challenge seems suitable for Joy's maid too, who only knows how to cook curry.

Did you read the news about the Pinoy crocodile? It's just amazing!
LOOK! I'm definitely going to risk being a terrorized HK visitor to go there one day and look at him.

i have a mouth and i'm not afraid to use it

2011-08-19T21:12:00.005+08:00

"Shooks!" - Stella

IOC IS COMING. How is it that everyone says it went really good and everything was OK? I think about it and my heart fills with dread. It seems as if I'm not the only one with these traumatic IOC dreams either!

As a testament to my bad hearing, I was corrected this morning by Joy who told me I misheard her IOC nightmare and created a whole new retarded story! In actuality, she dreamt that her examiner, the security guard, went to the toilet and she took advantage of this opportunity to look in the envelopes, which were ALL Apple-picking! She had definitely had too much of Apple Picking...

This dream is comparable to Celeste's nightmare, which was that she and Steph were in the IOC room, which was presided over by the class enemy of dance, CBT. Because the printer had failed, they were forced to use yearbooks which CBT claimed contained the extracts! Celeste flipped madly through the yearbooks and became Spencer from PLL but she neither found what NAT meant nor any extracts! CBT became very, very annoyed. Steph was not understanding either and Celeste woke up with a stomachache and a deep sense of gloom.

Jon was not exempt from these IOC nightmares and being Jonk, his dream was even wilder than all of ours combined. In the surreal world of Jonk's mind, he was being examined by Paul Tan who offered him Julius Caesar extracts in poem form! When he failed to annotate them, Paul started scolding him...through his nose...

Lastly and perhaps most saddeningly, Bchen also admitted not knowing what exactly the nightmare featured, but he once woke up mumbling "Jacques D'Odan".

Just look what IOC has done to all of us :'(

In fact, the theme of madness has spread so virulently that Marcus is its newest and most severe victim. In the 1.5 years that I've known Marcus he was always quite subdued in his madness and would often eyeroll and "UMAD?" us when we talk nonsense. But how the tides have turned! Just yesterday he began trilling in an opera tone, "LOLOLOLOL-LOLLLLL". If you have not heard it, think of those men in white wigs, fat women holding glasses with their mouths pursed, and Marcus' "umad" face. That's what I felt when I heard it. He was also googling "genro" which Mr C was teaching about and told him, much to Mr C's facepalms, that it is a kind of dragon age computer game.

Now I am too distracted by Numbnutz to blog properly this shall end as abruptly as the video screened at the Ministerial Dialogue where I thankfully had Ranny Joy and Hamzah to lolz with. Goodnight! Watch Numbnutz too lovvveeeessssssssssss.

Omg speaking of Hutch, Rachel and her brother Kevin ran into Hutch a few Saturday nights ago at Scape! The most painful part about hearing her account was that she'd asked me to go and...I SAID NO. Hutch was really kewl and offered them a beer and advice on movies. He shook Rachel's hand!!! And shame on Singaporeans for not recognizing this amazing individual. Rachel said Hutch was free to walk around to have a smoke without being recognized. Y_Y

Okay it's really time to study now bye!!!

^^

2011-08-16T20:14:00.003+08:00

MIKE IS VERY ADORABLE

WATCH ME

I screamed at a few points LOL

and OMG LOL

WATCH ME

Don is so retarded! I love it

The part where he eats crackers reminds me of Jonks

no no no sfaction

2011-08-16T18:42:00.001+08:00

It's another interesting day in 6.12.

Today, Gabriel was unfortunately hit in the eye with a facial of karma. His torment is really shaping up to be a didactic tale warning young liars and bullies of becoming victims one day should they carry on their mischief.

In his fury he plotted revenge against friends who had been downgraded to acquaintances for the time being. Raging at the back of the class between David and I, he began to rant about how he was going to fling 2 dollar notes and coins at Mr Lame Heng. When we tried to control our laughter at Gabriel's funny schemes, he explained the logic behind them as "Money is the root of all evil".

Hopefully his ordeal will vanish into the unknown soon enough and no poems shall be written about him by vindictive poets.

Lately Marcus has also been very funny. Umad? Yesterday, he was trying to make up his mind on whether or not to pon P.Davies' remedial. While we were eating and being indecisive Celeste decided to go home. Marcus suddenly sat upright and shouted very seriously, "BO JIO!" while looking threatening.
Celeste stood up to this one of the many bullies in our midst and said "You wan go home ah?"
Marcus squared up to her and in a high voice started shouting the same thing back, over and over!!! "You wan go home ah?" x129103 until Celeste was speechless and lolzed uncontrollably.

Then he went off with Patrick and Shivam to the backyard of NTUC and got even higher than he already was.

And it's Hamzah's birthday too! Happy birthday, you are a really interesting and kewl classmate and friend! Hamzah is extraordinarily pervy and has done perverse things everywhere from his tuition centre to the NCC room. Just yesterday, he and Phoon were having a very loud and hearty laugh over the misfortunes of "micropenis" owners as they inspected pictures of this phenomenon on his phone. And at random but timely intervals, they would hoot "Marcus Teo!" sending Mok Man into chuckles and distracting him even as he sat at the front of the class.

Hamzah is also a war history genius. I have never met anyone with such deep interest and knowledge of these things! Once, I asked him for advice on an essay question and instantly, off the top of his head, he texted me "Germans have always expanded outward since the cimbrii invasion of northern italy in 200bc. that's a good starting sentence"

I was mindboggled at his amazing memory and knowledge and from that moment on I have never met anyone as pro as him in history.

Speaking of Hamzah, Marcus, and Phoon, Ainsley brought Celeste and I on a tour to the old Sec School block today where these people had very wild and exciting times. He recounted how they once lit a candle and sprayed it with deodorant until everything burst into flames. Wow!!!

We were there to drop Jonkoh off so he could get his hair cut. Gabriel, ever the bully, was looking forward to seeing Jonkoh sheared. He grabbed Jonks and took three shots in three angles so he could make a before-after collage and laugh at it (typing this really makes me realize how we are always laughing at dumb things...hehehe). We went to the barber and started laughing at the pictures outside featuring models with retarded expressions. We pretended Jonks was going for his ANTM makeover and told him Tyra had chosen a baldness makeover for him + bleached eyebrows.

Jonks was extremely worried and got pretty high too. When he dropped crumbs onto the floor, he screamed "Oh no! I killer litter!" and when Celeste started laughing at him, Jonks made an affronted face and pointed at her, saying "Why you laugh? I could have murdered an ant okay?"

While Jonks had his hair cut, Ainsley took Celeste and I on an exclusive tour from Eustacia's home to the cavernous boys' toilets which Ainsley said were really conducive for shitting, unlike the weird squat toilets in the new block. We went to the Dr Ong Hill and came face to face with what Jonks called bouqets of fresh bougainvillea.

Bougainvillea is something we always laugh at because once, while going to town, Ainsley pointed at a bush of them and said "Look at this. I think we pluck some for Celeste and give her after her FOA." Jonkoh replied, "Ooh. Bougaindilla."
This made us laugh a lot...yeah we are very easily amused :-(

Worst of all up til this day I misheard what Jonkoh said and thought HE had misheard it as "bougainzilla" and when I confessed to Ainsley today it set off more lolz.

This is why we always laugh very madly when we're talking.

I hope tomorrow will be a good day but I have bad feelings about it. After all, tomorrow we will be faced with a "bombardment of Berny". My heart sank just typing those words out. Tomorrow also marks the first day of my hardcore IOC studying (not doing any other subject) and I have negotiated a great deal with Arjun for his used Uncle Tony IOC book. He bought it for 12 dollars. I am buying it from him for 1 dollar. He hence earns a profit of 20 dollars. Math SL ftw :-)

And IOC, fol! Joy and I realised just how worried we are about it when we confessed our IOC nightmares to each other. Mine was that our school decided to move the IOC venue to a shopping mall. That was pretty ok. Tragedy struck when I forgot my index number and was shopping when I bumped into David and Gabriel. Then I realised I had missed my IOC and started panicking, crying, and being laughed at by the two bullies. Then I woke up with a palpitating heart.

Joy's nightmare, just as frightening, was that she had just entered the examination room only to find that her examiner was the school security guard. She claimed needing to go to the toilet, and planned on cheating in there by doing some hasty revision. She opened her orange poetry book and...every passage inside had turned into After Apple Picking! She woke up in cold sweat. Very apt isn't it?! Definitely load on load of apples coming in.

To avoid this happening I think I should study now. How dedicated am I?! I am dutifully inscribing something everyday :-) I want to be able to look back on August of 2011 and laugh at all the fun things we did.

the sun brings out her sex appeal

2011-08-15T21:24:00.005+08:00

Today was another normal day in 6.12.

It got off to an awesome start because of the ultra ah beng directing the sec school boys in rearranging tables. I love ah bengs! Sometimes I really regret not going to Poly where there is no lack of ah bengs with extremely intriguing ideas as Joy, Mingyang and I discovered on a 74 home one day as we unintentionally eavesdropped on a prominent beng very gravely explaining how Rihanna's Good Girls Gone Bad is a sign that she is part of the Illuminati and how Michael Jackson was murdered because he turned Muslim...

Huh?

I decided to tell Hamzah and 7heodore, the biggest Illuminati experts I know, about this surreal experience that left Joy and I breathless from giggling. And they completely agreed with everything the ah beng said!!!

HUH?

I must say it really takes a special kind of person to believe in such things. But anyway, my love for ah bengs knows no bounds. Just like our love for Uncle Jare, who we were delighted to hear presenting about the Army exhibition on Friday!

Listening to him talk about army weaponry ("you can wear the goggles, but don't go around with it too long or you'll get a headache" "the guns have no bullets so you can't shoot your teacher") and army rations ("eat as much as you like. i heard they have unlimited supply. so if you have no pocket money just go there and eat, but don't da pao") brought back heartwarming memories of 2010...

Uncle Jare munching chocolate pocky on the OCS field trip...Uncle Jare's history quizzes to which we gave all kinds of retarded answers...Uncle Jare's special bond with Duc Anh...Bchen grabbing Uncle Jare's upper left chest...David hugging Uncle Jare around his waist...

It was a nice morning. We then went down to eat during the math period. Midway through a normal breakfast filled with tiny bits of lolz, Shivam asked us if we would have anal sex with a black man for a billion dollars. I could not help wondering if this is what other people discuss on a day to day basis during lunch too. It was a short-lived thought because I was soon forced to contemplate the question seriously.

Gabriel's answer was no. David's was no, because he would then have to spend half a billion fixing his "physical anus" and the other half healing his fragile "emotional anus". Stan said no too because "then I would be thinking of his dick all the time. say I buy an island. I'll just be sitting on it thinking of black dick". Bensoh ate his off-putting fried fish quietly and refused to answer. After a lot of persuasion he offered a typical Bensoh style philosophical quote "Money can't buy you happiness". I said "maybe" which Shivam instantly said means yes. Shivam instantly said yes. He should think twice about calling Jon a "faggot" in future.

After Gabriel and Shivam bought apples (trying belatedly to lead a healthy lifestyle) Shivam began munching enthusiastically and suddenly said if he had a billion dollars he would buy Bensoh and make Bensoh shit in his own hands for the lolz. Gabriel laughed like mad and started coughing as he choked on his apple.

Ainsley and I decided to give Shivam a brain teaser of our own. We asked him if he would have sex with an obese lady with cobwebs, roaches, and pus around her vajay. Moreover, she would hypothetically possess the fragrant scent of a fish market. Shivam said yes as long as she carried no STDs. LOL!

Jon and Ainsley have also been getting quite crazy while studying Lear. They discovered the phrase "oh no, tis foul" and have been striving to use it in very creative scenarios. One situation which amused them deeply was standing outside an occupied cubicle and startling the person inside by reciting "oh no, tis foul" and thus making them self-conscious.

Last Saturday and Friday was Celeste's FOA! She looked very chio especially in the Jazz item. Ainsley still missed her CNY dance though in which she performed very radical dance moves. Last year, she failed to spot Niranjan sitting betweeen David and I who were very visible to her. He was a bit -_- but bragged about his ability to blend into the darkness.

And today is Isaac's birthday! During chapel Alex turned to me from a few rows in front and mouthed "meet in my class after this". With my incurable deafness, I failed to hear it/misheard it as something nonsensical. Alex ended up shouting "MEET IN MY CLASS AFTER THIS" while Isaac was right beside him! It was no surprise that Isaac did not seem surprised at all when we all showed up at his table when chapel was over. I think Alex cannot be a totally spy.

After school Ainsley and I studied IOC (talked about shoes, hair and boys) while waiting for the rain to clear. (I just thought of how Arjun got the storm scene for his IOC and it was storming today. He was very amused by the coincidence. What should I do to get the eyeball gouging scene?)
Mr Adrian approached us and asked to talk to me. He accused me of not doing any Napha items. I was very confused and he insisted that there was someone in 6.12 that DEFINITELY did not do any Napha thingys at all. Then I was enlightened to extent of the PE ponning capabilities of Amaris. My respect for her talent is renewed.

Tomorrow is a short day of abundant Nirmz, probably another average day like today except with x2 unproductivity as David, Gabriel and I sit at the back of the class and talk nonsense around a laptop. And at opportune times, play games with Ainsley, Amaris, Joy and Hamzah.

Goodnight!

half arsed

2011-08-13T23:23:00.005+08:00

Yuck! Nothing is more disgusting than my own laziness. Last month I pledged to dutifully record ALL the lolzy things that happen for future recollections when we are old and wrinkly. This promise has failed like my common tests.

I don't feel like writing either :'( So here is a very interesting picture I found of a Japanese criminal. It was on BBC and they were explaining how he fled from police investigations by getting plastic surgery done. I took one look at it and started laughing because the eyebrows went through the exact transformation that Ainsley wants for his angry eyebrows. He believes that when they turn

/ \

shaped instead of

\ /

shaped as they are now, more banglas will call him persistently (a true story), more PRC tourists will come to him asking if Little India is in the North or South (a true story), and everyone will just think he is much kindlier than he really is.

Because deep inside, under their disarmingly friendly appearances, Jonk and Ainsley are mean girls...

maybe i'm perfect for you

2011-08-05T20:03:00.006+08:00

On top of the agenda for this post is the announcement of Monsieur Gabriel's newest work of art. He has outdone himself this time with a masterful piece of poetry, which he suggested I publish here.

But I will save it for last hehehe.

That's not to say nothing much happened this week. Conversely, the butterflies of lolz have been aflutter, and my analogies grow stranger day by day. Just like our deafness. Once, I wondered what the uniting features of the members of 6.12 are. I came up with:

1. An enthusiasm for/understanding attitude toward ponning
This is evidenced by the 55% pon rate that we celebrated last month on a day when there was an inordinate amount of HL3. In fact, the pon percentage is so high even scholars living one block away, such as Cuong, have been known to take a good day off.

2. A great tolerance for racial insensitivity
As evidenced by David openly eating his yummy Swiss Bakery sandwich in front of a fasting Hamzah today. What's more, it was stuffed full of bacon, the greatest form of pork made known to man.

3. Deafness
Deafness has been the cause of many great and lolzy misunderstandings. We decided to capitalize on our handicap and during an extremely sleep-inducing PC period in the early hours of the morning, Celeste and I asked everyone to play Broken Telephone (Conversation).

Between the four BFFs Jonkoh, Celeste, Ainsley and I alone, we failed miserably in relaying messages because of our deafness and giggling while whispering the message in the quiet audi. The messages, already retarded to begin with (created by either Jon or Ainsley), were things like "I go fishing in Rachel _____'s Ovaries". That short message was translated into "I drink tea from Rachel ______'s Ovaries. "I rub Stella's camel toe for good luck" also became "I rub Sarah's camel toe for good night". "Phoon punched Stan and made him vomit" became "Phoon kicked Stan's vagina".

This made Amaris, Joy, Ainsley, David, Gabriel, Hamzah and I lolz like mad during English. We invited the 6.11 people to join us but they ignored us lolol. It's no wonder the GINI coefficient between our essay standards is so freaking high.

Madam is persisting in this group work style essay writing. It does not seem very efficient for David, Gabriel, and I though. We entertained ourselves by letting destiny choose questions for us to do as Madam instructed us to do. This involved playing many rounds of hand games, closing our eyes and pointing at the paper, and generally just letting fate account for our laziness. I think we show a good understanding of Huck's lepak lifestyle on the raft.

David's lepak lifestyle has seeped into his athleticism. To demonstrate his enduring jumping prowess, he decided to leap over Celeste, Ainsley, Jon and I while we were sitting in a row!!! We nearly died. He nearly died from our high-pitched screaming. Fortunately no injuries were sustained. I asked David to high-jump over my head. He said he could but not now, since he is getting fat. Definitely not as much as Gabriel though, who is developing moobs from excessive Tau Huay consumption.

It was Gabriel's birthday less than a week ago! And his twin, Celeste, celebrated her birthday just yesterday. Happy birthday to two of the kewlest and funniest and most sincere people I've met! But nice and funny and sincere in completely different ways hahaha.
On Wednesday, Jon and Lynette organized a dinner at Pepperoni Pizzeria for Celeste. He was a very bad pretty little liar and failed to keep it a secret firstly because he picked her up and led her there, but told her he had never been there before, and also blindfolded her with a translucent cloth. Everyone made Celeste a card, even Bchen, who was very embarrassed with his last-minutedly made card and awkward birthday greeting at the back. I put it on top of the stack of cards and it stuck out like an indian in the snow. Jonkoh camwhored very madly. He was also very interested in a handsome ang moh (HAM) working at the pizzeria and forced Celeste to pose strangely so he could snap the HAM in the background. The HAM was not oblivious to Jonkoh's devious tactics and started laughing. Jonkoh and Steph were very embarrassed at their shamelessness after a while and bemoaned never being able to eat there again.

At the end, Ainsley elicited a stampede when he gasped "cat!" I have never ever met so many people terrified of cats! In our class alone, Bchen, Celeste and Ranny have a huge phobia of cats. I have never ever met a boy scared of puss. It turned out Ainsley was only joking. The dancers tsked at him while he calmed his nerves from being frightened by their screaming.

Ainsley's madness is spiralling out of control like King Lear. That said, it was already present at the young and untender age of 9 when he was assigned the role of being a peer-reader or some shit. Basically he was trusted with the eduction of a younger kid and taught the boy how to read. Upon coming across the word 'centipede' in a story, neither the kid nor Ainsley knew how to pronounce it. Ainsley decided to solve the dilemna by instructing the young boy to replace any unknown words with the word "nehneh", causing Ainsley great joy and amusement. He rewarded the kid with a gold star sticker.

Today, he was talking (mostly to himself as Celeste stared on wide-eyed) about having sex on the astroturf and how the astroshit was likely to get lodged in various private parts.
Joy: What if you get caught by the security guard?!
Ainsley: Ask him to join of course.
Celeste: I don't even know how you think of these things.
Ainsley: (completely seriously) Who doesn't?

It does not reflect well on me that Ainsley and I have quite similar thought processes and tastes and preferences. Next, he started discussing the girls in 6.12's fashion sense. He decided that Celeste was "very forever 21", Amaris was very much like Liz Lisa style, Aishah always wears oversized shirts but should wear maxi dresses, and I dress like trashy whore. Thanks ah! He then retracted that statement and claimed the glory for himself, saving how if he were a girl he would wear high-cut daisy dukes every day and squeeze his cleavage. And there would be nothing in his underwear drawer except push-up bras or something. Then he smiled pervily at us.

This is also what he did during ESS on Thursday to Marcus Chan and Chuanyang while pretending the stool in the bio lab was an igallop machine. Ruma was getting way too pissed off that lesson so Ainsley and I sneaked off on the pretext of going to print PSOW stuff. We went to the standing broad jump area and I taught him how to do lunges that Nadhira taught me that are supposed to give you a bigger butt. We are in need of those.

When we finally went back to class, something very dramatic was happening. Outside, a storm was brewing. It was definitely ominous. Ruma daoed me when I tried to engage her in conversation about fish I watched on Jeremy Wade's River Monsters which is a seriously kewl show. I wept and tried to gather conspirators to hold Rohit hostage to demand higher standards of living in ESS class. If Marcus had been there, he would definitely have asked everyone, "umad?"

Today, Marcus lent me and Ainsley his itouch, which I grabbed and refused to release when I discovered the existence of iassociate. It's a pretty dumb game in that it's very thought-provoking and shouldn't even be counted as a leisure activity but I AM ADDICTED. I played it throughout ESS and History lecture and even while walking around. We also played some moron test and really are quite moronic. Marcus also had a hilarious app that teaches Cantonese. Being natural Canto speakers, Ainsley and I derived huge levels of amusement from listening to the recorded voice recite stuff written in a formal way but pronounced in a very forced and stupid intonation. The most epic was under "emergency phrases", "I've been raped!" Marcus definitely needs to study that one. The phrase even can be played in male/female voices, just to be sure. Loves Cantonese ^^

Apple sux but I really want an itouch now. Marcus is a great salesman. And very nice for printing CY and my cover page and having to suffer the new printing system in the library as well as letting me use up so much of his itouch battery. Thankew!!!

Wow, this post is already so long! But I'm not done. This morning, Hamzah and Ranny were discussing his UG award. He proudly told me, Aishah, and Hamzah a tale of how as a Sec 1 boy he fooled Shreyas into doing push-ups and like Ainsley, was intensely amused by his own mischief at such a young age. According to Ranny, Shreyas only managed to count to "six, sir!" in a squeaky voice. Niran was then punished by his sec 4 seniors who couldn't understand how a small indian boy who just arrived had managed to order another relatively small indian boy to do push-ups. But as he said "I would do it all over again".

I can't remember why but mid-way I asked Ranny if he wanted to go to Cambridge and he said "hell no". The reason was because everyone there rides bicycles and if he is forced to ride along with an old lady (??? here he made what was supposed to be an old English lady's face) he would just want to give her a good punch. I started laughing already. Hamzah deviously and insidiously suggested that perhaps Ranny doesn't know how to cycle...could this be true?

Ranny was supremely offended. He shouted, "CB I knew how to cycle since I was eight!" Hamzah winked and said, "How many wheels ah? 4? No wonder it sucks la, if the old lady has 2 wheels and you have four." Ranny swore and protested. I asked him if he meant that he knew how to cycle a tandem bike (with a good Sanj pedalling in front, Hamzah chipped in). Ranny facepalmed.

He then challenged Hamzah to a cycling competition in Ubin where Hamzah went cycling recently. They suddenly thought of the wild dogs roaming around the island and because of their shared aversion to dogs (Ranny's personal hatred and phobia of the furry and feathered organisms + Hamzah's religion), opted to switch venues to East Coast Park. Set! (Moreover, Ranny gets sea sick)

The truth is, I'm the one who doesn't know how to ride a bike LOL.

Before assembly we were still talking nonsense and I asked Niran, "Do you know how to swim?" to which he gave me a face of -_- which Hamzah interpreted as a "no" and hooted at. Ranny said, "I think you're the one who doesn't know how to swim la" before remembering Hamzah is a certified rescue diver. It looked like Hamzah had won this round. Ranny protested valiantly that he won many of those swimming skills awards but Hamzah just said "oh really?" in a skeptical voice and with a annoying orange smile and I asked if it was true that Indians can't swim. Ranny then employed tactics of diversion and turned to confront Eugenia with Hamzah. Sneaky, bet they both dk how to swim.

Now it's time to start studying, I end with Gabriel's very pro poemate meo which is best read out loud so the brilliant rhyme scheme and syntax can be observed (IOC is invading my brain it can't be halped).

There once was a boy who played with his toy
His nose was bigger than his small pecker
Jumped out from the back and boned the whole pack
Hence coined the name (fill in any name you like)

It was quite a sight, giving all a fright
A grown man's one inch wonder

There was too a lass, who cried out aghast
'Oh my god, you've got a tiny wiener!'
How sad was his fate, how burned were her eyes
as she'd seen his small, tiny boner

the end

might be holding your hand but i'm holding it loose

2011-08-01T20:45:00.001+08:00

It's August and...

Gabriel is the birthday boy

Celeste is the birthday girl

Hamzah is a technophobe

Ainsley is King Lear

Jonkoh is the cookie monster

Lim Heng is very mean

David is a thief

Amaris is the dove of peace (in the Middle East)

Joy is a donor of excess bottom

7heodore is my new neighbour

Big Ben is now Meagre Mok

I am not Boneita

to the top of the world

2011-07-27T22:48:00.004+08:00

I have lots to write about!

On Monday morning, Ranny, Gabriel, and I discovered a Paper 2 essay beneath his table. It began with "sometimes, reading a novel is like drinking cough syrup" and continued to use this analogy with great fervour for the next few paragraphs. We started giggling in the dark at this unknown person's exam paper and at the marker's comments (Brian Connor) which were almost as mocking as Ranny's.

Having started the day with lolz and nonsense, we went for Chapel and Gabriel and I had a brief cold war after he revealed he told someone a semi-secret about me!!! Oh my goodness. So I refused to talk to him for 5 minutes while trying not to laugh as he urged Niran to sing hymns. Gabriel succeeded with Sanjev last week and it caused so much mirth that they got scolded for disrupting the peace and serenity of chapel. Ranny was very resolute in refusing to sing along with the very amusingly off-pitch boy, although his mouth was twitching trying not to burst into laughter when the boy's voice fluctuated like Jonkoh's weight.

Gabriel then amused himself by plucking Ranny's leg hairs. I offered him a Most Favoured Nations status and said I would forgive him if he ate one of those hairs.

AND HE REALLY DID!!!

Ranny, Celeste, and I were dumbfounded but Gabriel just kept giggling and trying to swallow. This was definitely a good time for the cough syrup analogy.

These two friends of ours continued to be very crazy and wild all day long. During recess, Gabriel started humming the "ai" theme song (wo men to wo men ting etc etc) while thinking of the partyrocking aunties karaoking it at their getai. Niranjan then made up his own song. It went something like this

"wo ai ni
ni ai wo
wo men ai
yi er san si
kan ni na

gong xi fa cai
chao chee bye"

It translates into

"I love you
You love me
We all love
One two three four
Fuck Your Mother

Wishing you good luck and prosperity
Foul-smelling vagina"

After which he made a sandwich for Gabriel using more body hair and Ainsley's candy. Gabriel blew the hair into his noodles and gobbled the candy. Shivam came over like a hungry bear and grabbed the noodles. After getting Gabriel's permission, he crammed noodles into his mouth and tears sprang into his eyes from the chili. But also from the leg hair.

Ranny was also in a dancing mood. He performed his interpretations of an Indian/Egyptian dance and it was very expressive. He also coined a new name for Shreyas - Shrey Kingston, and started singing very boisterously "Fire burning on the dance floor~" and dancing some more.

While waiting for our History lecture to begin, Hamzah showed off some Malay kung fu moves. He leapt into the air and shrieked while kicking out his right leg. His shoe sailed off his foot grandly and smacked the ceiling.

That was definitely part of his arsenal of Hamas terrorist tactics. On Racial Harmony Day, that was exactly what Hamzah dressed as. He even made his bag bulge to mimic having a bomb, and wanted to troll the MRT station after school to see if Cisco would arrest him.

Besides terrorists, David, Shivam, Lim Heng, and Gabriel also dressed as Jews. The day before, we all went out on a great costume hunt and our afternoon spent searching was very fruitful! They went to a synagogue and met real life Jews because they were too afraid to ask Pauly directly. In school, Gabriel found an anonymous Yellow Corp Tee lying in another classroom and took a pair of scissors to it to create home made yellow stars of David Hu to pin on their shirts.

Jonkoh, Ainsley, and I went to the costume shop in Far East and bought Scottish kilts, sombreros, and a bathrobe. Joy wore a cheongsam with a slit up to her armpit. Aishah dressed like Deepha, as declared by Gabriel.

And tomorrow is Charity Cafe day! Joy, Jonks and I are going to be in a shift together, frying Ramly burgers and wrapping them for your entertainment. Do you trust us with our skillz? I know I don't ^^

surround me like a waterfall

2011-07-26T19:04:00.004+08:00

I'm addicted to Calvin Harris' new song Feel So Close. Yay! Three different versions in three links. Now I just want Steve Aoki to do his own remix.
There really has never been a Calvin Harris song that I disliked. When I listen to this song I feel like I'm watching a sunrise from a tent under a faint blanket of dew. That kind of WOWEPICNESSGOOSEBUMPS feeling...

Anyway this is my favourite version by Nero!

Can you believe there are only about 4 different lines? It is so good ^^

that way madness lies

2011-07-19T17:18:00.008+08:00

I had a good day yesterday. My mood was just amazing all day long. School was blissful, after school was shiok and in the evening I took a break from EE slavery. Especially after Runima's reassuring comments to David on how she has given up on Bensoh, Marcus KK, and CY, and we are her only hopes and beacons of EE light ^^ Not in those words per se, but there's no such thing as a wrong interpretation in literature, right?!

So I didn't expect today to be a good day either! In the morning Mr C made everyone lolz as he mimicked Mok Man getting out of Mokmum's volkswagon with his headphones on, on the side of oncoming traffic! Mr C wondered to himself which fool would do such a thing, and was horrified to discover that it was his own student.

Then during history, Mr C asked us what policy China undertook to curb population growth (One Child Policy). Stan shouted "Open door policy!"

Econs was mercifully only 40 minutes as Mok Man and I repeatedly rejoiced over while eating wasabi nuts. Berny rewarded everyone who did his SAQ with leftover candy. Who says love can't be bought?
Then he got our classmates to pretend to be banks and Marcus to pretend to be an entrepreneur borrowing 90 million dollars to set up Wild Wild Wet 2. Marcus looked pleased.

Next we had English with both RC and Nirmz. RC was in a wild mood today and entertained our retarded comments. Hamzah and I started discussing Julius Caesar's infertility and the show Rome. RC corrected one of the names he mentioned, stating that all Roman male names end with "us". Everyone from .12 in class immediately began asking "What about Casca?" "What about xxx" etc etc. Until RC grew very exasperated at our boliao and grabbed Hamzah's foolscap and started waving it around as a white flag, saying "I GIVE UP, I SURRENDER".

Also, she decided to peek at our CT scores and give us vague descriptors on our performance. We got a scale of okayyyy, okaaay, ooookays in varying musical intonations. Gabriel requested she do 7 different intonations for each grade and she gave him a 'sod off' face. I requested she do 2 "okay"s for each person, one for each paper. She also gave me that 'sod off' face. We learnt that everyone did okay for english, ugh! for history, and okayyyyyy for econs.

Suddenly she whipped around to look at the whiteboard and said: "Phew! I thought what if the results were all on the screen. Then I'll just jump out the window." It was very vivid use of imagery and everyone began lolzing.

As lessons with RC often do, food became a chief focus of discussion. Hamzah began to babble excitedly about tongue soup at Adam Rd which I once watched him eat very voraciously. He got a bit carried away and raved about how he could feel the hairs on the tongue and taste the lingering flavour of grass on it. Amaris was disturbed and screamed "Ew! Gross!"; RC was also very unsettled and shouted "Poor Amaris the vegetarian! And tongues don't have hair don't talk nonsense okay!"

Nirmala came in right at this moment and demanded a complete change in atmosphere as it was now time to write English essays in groups. However when I was adopted into David and Gabriel's group which they formed when I wasn't in school last week, it was impossible to fulfil her wishes. They gave me a piece of paper on which they wrote their essay outline and pressured me to write the introduction. But on the paper it just had some convoluted statements like "Home is the river where it acts as a guide for Siddhartha to enlightenment".

I kept protesting that the river is not Siddhartha's home but they objected and ate my m&ms that Berny gave me. So I protested that Siddhartha's home was the Brahmin's house! They continued objecting. So I said if anything Siddhartha lives by the river not in the river and started lolzing thinking of a mermaid Siddhartha. While David made huffing sounds and tried to bullshit his way out of this undeniable truth, Gabriel started chanting "riverside, mafaka" and lolzing uncontrollably until he nearly ejected saliva onto his EE which he was holding in front of his face. That made him panic but lolz even harder and Nirmala came over to inspect our great work.

She read the few sentences that made up our introduction, one of which said something like "the river in Siddhartha is a place of sojourn for the protagonist" and seriously asked us if we knew what nonsense we were writing. Gabriel and I tried to convince her Siddhartha's home was journeying even though this concept was David's idea, and cited travelling caravans and other mobile vehicles. She just looked very concerned and appalled especially when she read the part about Siddhartha living in the river out loud so seriously that we couldn't stop lolzing.

The moral of the story is that writing an essay on just one laptop in a group is a pretty disastrous idea.

After this, I ran into Carissa the brownie-baking angel and she gave me one. Her brownies were AMAZING! I raved about it non-stop as we queued to buy Ramly burgers and Ainsley got groped by Bchen's tennis friend. He was quite happy though.

Ainsley then ran off to shit as usual and when I met Jonkoh again we reminisced blissfully about Carissa's delicious brownies and he confessed he tried to get her to offer him another piece but she didn't pick up on his hinting. Sanjev looked on very amusedly and commented that Jonkoh ought to stop thinking about anymore brownies (or risk the Curse of the Fluctuating Obesity striking once again). Jonkoh flipped his hair and said "Look who's talking?"

Racial Harmony Day is coming soon. Our class is planning to dress as Malays, Jews, and have Sanjev wear a yellow helmet and a orange vest and boots. I really really hope this isn't one of those times when we come up with great plans but never actually do anything.

SMLJKNNBCCB

2011-07-17T22:27:00.007+08:00

Angeline just told me RC has whipped me into doing the Julius Caesar presentation in 2 days while I was conveniently absent from school!

Why did no one tell me earlier when I talked to everyone in my english class since Friday Y__Y

I talked to Joy and she just called me a joke "lovingly"

I talked to Amaris and she just told me how to bake blueberry muffins without having the blueberries exploding in the oven

I talked to Ainsley and he was only interested in false eyelashes

I talked to Hamzah and he just kept showing off his beanie he bought with Ranny to look like Double D from Ed Edd n Eddy

I talked to David and he just rejoiced in being Runima's new rough diamond

I didn't talk to Gabriel...sorry...I forgot about Gabriel! Oh no.

HALP HALP

I'm just going to suck my thumb and cry

As a wise Indian guru Niranjan once said.

In fact, it was Ranny's birthday a few weeks ago!

I lied to him that I bought him a hamster for his birthday present. Immediately a frantic text came reading: "Hell no. I don't want a tiny shit running in circles in the corner of my room!" and in quick succession "No please no. I don't want any pets in my life." Actually, Ainsley, Celeste and I bought him half a kilo of gummies and jellybeans from Candylicious. We chose the most unusual flavours and shapes, such as gummies shaped like fighter jets, butterflies, and fish.

He was most relieved to see that we were not carrying a hamster cage with a tiny shit runing around in circles and ate the fish-shaped gummy happily. The rest were pillaged by Joshua Lee and Brian Wee.

Sanjev's birthday also took place quite recently! Lots of cool people are born in this period, just like March! Srsly it seems like mothers give birth to really kewl babies in the month of March.
Sanjev and Bchen went to watch Your Highness together for his birthday date and enjoyed naked Natalie Portman in medieval sex scenes.

And I went to watch Transformers! It was omfg amazing. Why did people hate it?!

Why did people rave madly over Rosie Huntington Whitely? Being on Transformers is a regression from Victoria's Secret cos now she is wearing clothes + have to witness bad acting instead of natural VS Angel charm. Hates!

I missed Mikaela who was both sexy and kewl and thought everything else was great ^^

OK I will stop ranting now.

PS. HARRY POTTER WAS TERRIBLE. IT MADE A WAR BORING. I THOUGHT ONLY TEACHERS WERE ABLE TO DO THAT...

you are the ugliest weenie

2011-07-06T19:37:00.005+08:00

ESS tomorrow! I nervously await the worst day of my week and my Pretty Little Liars to finish loading ^^

In the meantime I will post Stanislaus' Hierarchy of Banglas and hope no one finds it racist. It's a modern adaptation of Abraham Maslow's psychological theories!

STAN'S HIERARCHY OF BANGLAS
1. The Bangla Photographer
2. The Bangla Model
3. The Bangla Excavator
4. The Bangla Lorry Driver
5. The Bangla Driller
6. The Bangla Wire Coiler
7. The Bangla Digger

Stan's interest in Bangla workers has led him to urge Sanjev to dress up as one this Halloween. He was so keen that he even offered to buy Sanjev the uniform. When asked where Sanjev would be in the hierarchy by Amaris, Stan firmly replied that Sanjev's prowess in Math HL would definitely guarantee him a job as the highly contested Bangla Photographer.

Stan also burnt his lip while trying to nom a smoking hot sausage. His dad was concerned that he acquired this grave injury from a smoking mishap, and tried to invoke a confession by sharing tales of his own. Everyone else who knew Stan readily believed the sausage story though.

"if you need to fart, fart. You will feel better for it."

2011-07-02T11:09:00.004+08:00

FUNNY THINGS THAT ARE ACTUALLY QUITE SAD:

1. Bchen and Lim Heng etc doing the wrong question for the English paper, causing Ranny to literally rofl (he really rolled all over the floor) for many long minutes instead of studying Econs.

2. Ainsley desperately needing to shit during the English paper because of the NCC parade depriving him of the opportunity to do it before the exam.

3. My bad eyesight causing me to mistake Arjun for Ghosh from a distance.

4. Arjun being glorified on Tai San's tumblr amidst male models.

5. Rachel asking me if Ghosh's first name is Siddhartha.

6. Koon Min's moment of brilliance in which he deciphered the message from the heavens and came up with the anagram Ghosh I Shit Al Day.

7. Ainsley's angry eyebrows.

8. Ainsley's mismatched eyes.

9. Celeste spotting R. Cheung giving S. Cheung an expressive look when she noticed that her niece appeared tired during the English exam. Family telepathy or what!

10. Jonkoh being *subtly* alluded by Charlene to his post-holidays weight gain by having his elbow stroked.

11. Charlene recognizing the change in Jonkoh's weight
from the back
from a distance
through his jacket.

12. Mr Connor smacking his forehead into the glass door of the SAC last year and leaving a visible imprint after he huffily stormed away.

13. Gabriel looking up into Uncle J's nose and saying: "Sir, you have something in your nostril." and trying earnestly to point it out, invoking giggles from David, Joy, and me.

14. Mr. C cheering in disbelief on the one day when the whole class turned up in school, presenting him with the miracle of full attendance.

15. Mr. C to Marcus: I know you love the school. You want to spend all your youth here.

16. Gabriel contracting a violent case of stomach flu from eating porridge which he threw ice cubes in, in his impatience to cool it down and eat it.

17. Being reminded of how P. Davies discusses the mortality rate from diarrhoea in Africa every ESS lesson.

18. Marcus Chan stealing Jonkoh's chin.

19. Bchen knowing how to spell Niranjan and Joy's complicated and lengthy Indian family names but not "vagina".

20. BERN SOH + BEN SOH HEHEHEHEHEHEHE

bonus: Ben Soh hating me forever after he reads this

bonus bonus: NEW Now You Know. Don Richmond is hilarious LOL.

some things are more precious than others

2011-06-26T00:59:00.007+08:00

This is a fabulous recommendation from Arjun. CLICK ME!

we will all laugh at gilded butterflies

2011-06-24T21:55:00.009+08:00

Today's news on my Yahoo homepage was especially interesting so I wanna blog about it! Don't you hate reading the newspapers? I can't stand how the Straits Times make your hands so dirty. The Daily Star on the other hand is made of such good quality paper I swear after reading it my hands feel like they've just been sprayed with Cure.

1. Brands that will disappear in 2012
Nokia, Myspace, Kelloggs, Sony etc etc

Omg! My phone is going to be a collectible item in 1 year.

2. Some tennis star dresses up in balls
Did you think I was lying? "COME ON!!!!" - Bchen & Koon Min.

3. Baby dies in Microwave
The official comment made by the officer is: "This is rare". Wtf!

4. Womaniser Edison Chen back to his ways
I really love this disgusting man. I bet he's the Noah's Ark for STDs. But he is so amazing!!! Seriously his womanizing abilities are legendary, Russell Brand-esque even! If I were a boy he would be my idol. Perhaps he already is.

Here are some comments readers left:

"he should try to beat Annabel Chong's record"
"Spreading sex diseases like wild oats"
"when he gets old no one will love him he will just be an old man mumbling with his toungue hanging"
"compare to Ang moh, his dick is not large"
"handsome so what one day someone will cut off and feed to chicken"
"EDISON always remember, in chinese saying, while people are doing Gods are looking at u. But I do not know are you chinese or mix blood" (omg lololol)
"A Chinaman with the name of "Edison"! At most, names like Robert, Alan, Ricky, Eddy, would be better fitting" (LOL wtf)
"such women (involved with him) should be pig caged to learn moral lessons"

But it's true though. How does he stay STD-free? There was a day when the news reported that he had HIV. I gasped in horror and went to read more. But it was just a false report, phew.

5. Donnie Yen, man magnet
A man worth reading the news for <3

"The 47-year-old Hong Kong star was reportedly approached by two good looking gay models at a party recently held by fashion house Dolce & Gabbana in Milan, Italy.

Without realizing, Yen was oblivious of their intentions even when both of the gay men had their hands wandering in a suggestive manner all over Yen's body."

This sounds like bad fanfiction.

swipe swipe swipe, out of your tights tights tights

2011-06-18T22:11:00.005+08:00

Yesterday was our dear friend Niranjan's birthday!

Celeste and I told him that on this special day, he should look out for his future Indian bride. But mid-day, he remarked that no Indian goddess was showing up. So as desperate measures, I asked Bchen to bring Sanjev to Ranny's house so Celeste and I could call Ranny and tell him to look out the window for his Indian dream girl.

Bchen lolzed hard but refused. He asked me to order a pizza for Ranny because "there's a 50% chance it'll be an Indian delivering".

PS. Mike is on NUMBNUTZ today. Overload of cuteness :o

when i lay with you and close my eyes, our fingers touch the sky

2011-06-13T23:14:00.005+08:00

Today, after watching The Hangover 2, Sanjev was being very funny as usual. He enthusiastically shared stories about his youthful days of cheating cab drivers by luring them into the ulu forests of Woodlands and then sprinting out of the car so he wouldn't need to pay for cab fare.

While Koon Min, Bensoh and him were discussing NS which I was totally clueless about, Sanjev also began to recount how his uncle parachutes down from planes during mass rallies like the National Day Parade. It is his ideal job in the army. I wondered what the medical officers said when he did not have a turban after all (which his father ticked yes to while they were signing up for the check up I think).

P.S Last night I was reminded of how Bchen didn't know how to spell "vagina" and decided to text him again to test him. This time he was correct but later admitted to having used Spellcheck. LOL!

baby your body is banging

2011-06-12T21:57:00.007+08:00

I found a very old and incomplete post on the 4th day of our class trip to Taiwan! So I decided to finish typing it out...

But I just didn't feel like it, although there are many interesting tales to be told!! This was the night we trekked up the mountain to find fireflies in the complete dark, but we kind of distracte by creepy ghost stories. Hamzah shrieked when I pointed into the woods at one point and whispered that if I'd happened to point at *something*, it would follow us back!!! I nearly died of fright. On one side of the pebbly, uneven path were small shacks lit up with oil lamps and small, flickering TVs through faded curtains. A baby began to wail and stray dogs were barking. And on the other side, the river was rushing and rolling. If you fell, you'd just tumble in and be pulled in by...the weeping souls of undead children who'd been drowned? HAHA. Those were the kind of stories we shared that night.

What shall I post to fill up this empty white space?

My MSN is very empty today. Everyone must be off fugging...everyone except Celeste and I who are discussing the chio new waffle shop aunty very intently. While on the subject, she excitedly shared the tale of how in the delicate process of exchanging coins for a waffle, a coin fell straight into the tub of chocolate cream. The chio waffle lady was unperturbed and made no effort to scoop out contaminated chocolate cream, dooming future consumers of chocolate waffles to certain bodily ailments like stomachaches, lung infections etc etc. Poor Joy, whose chocolate waffles PED is pretty low...

Celeste and I are also discussing our culinary adventures. She was trying to make half-boiled eggs. Her eggventure is absolutely identical to Xiaxue's here, minus the bit about the oily blotter.

Today I just studied while my sec school friends went out to buy heels. I also just ate 2 avocados and drank 2 bottles of Yakult. And all I remember from my hard day's labour is that Himmler used to be an "unsuccessful chicken farmer" before he became the SS Supreme Evil Nasty Bitch Overlord. He probably tried to torture them when the poor chickens wouldn't lay him any eggs.

In other news, Rachel just told me her brother found a big pot of soup in the kitchen and thought it was all for him. She caught him standing by it with spoon outstretched, ready to devour everything. Is this what having a big brother is like???

Celeste and I were once immersed in another pointless hypothetical conversation and wondered which of our friends we would like to have as an older brother. We unanimously decided we would give up our ethnicity to have Ranny as our big brother. Our least desired big brother would be Gabriel for his censored but infamous tale of cruelty to his little brother and his bed. And Bensoh, who takes great pleasure in recounting how overweight his sister is to us.

your switch only turns on a part of me

2011-06-09T20:44:00.003+08:00

BUDGET BARBIE CELESTE TEO EDITION

Celeste is right, Zara Kids is a treasure trove! Following her advice, I decided to suppress my feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment and browsed the Zara Kids section despite weird looks from the salesgirl. To my amazement, there was A LOT of really nice stuff.

1. Everything is as nice as you'd find in the normal sections
2. Kids clothes also appear to follow the same trends as adults (got color blocking and leopard print)
3. No humongous sizes!!!

Isn't it terrible when you want something and all that's left is a mountain of L and XL that's so huge you can use as a sleeping bag? NOT IN THE ZARA KIDS SECTION!

And since it's kids clothing, everything seems like it's discounted. The women's section was selling brightly coloured tees and tanks for 16-20+ bucks I think, while similar tops were only about 9bucks+ in the kids section!

So...NOW YOU KNOW (-Don Richmond) what to do when chio Zara clothes are just too expensive for your wallets!

PS. Numbnuts alert!!!! But I refuse to link it because it's very boring and Mike isn't there! 8-(

apologies unaccepted

2011-06-03T21:33:00.006+08:00

This morning I was jolted out of sleep by an absolutely retarded and realistic dream. I am very sure I woke up lolzing a bit. The jist of it is that my class, led by Mr B.Chirn and Mr. Nigel Hee, were being led on an expedition to raid Dr. Ong's tomb. WTF?
In my dream, Mr C urged the girls the be the first to climb up this rickety ladder to open the crypt in order to "prove our valour" like the Hitler Youth. So Celeste went first, then me, Aishah, and so on... We climbed to the top and everyone waited with palpitating hearts as Celeste reached into the crypt and...pulled out a BATMAN COSTUME. Everyone went completely mad, Niranjan style. We made a line and passed the costume down until it got to our waiting leaders Mr C and Mr H.
To add to the stunning retardedness of it all, Big Macs suddenly appeared and were rationalized by Sanjev as being offerings people had made to Dr. Ong. We decided to take some. Then, our getaway chartered bus came and we all rushed into the bus carrying our Macs and loot. It turned out to be a double-decker bus. When I went to the upper level, all the seats were taken except one beside Kar Min. In an upsurging of inappropriate lucidity, I opted not to sit there because I thought Zac Koh would sit there (even though this was a class outing???). So I went back downstairs and ate my Big Mac while standing, and complaining how bloody hard it is to eat Macs while standing up.

Is this not the most retarded dream?! Actually, there are many close rivals...including Celeste's dream of Patrick Soo expelling us for borrowing pots and pans from the Home Ec room, Joy's of getting lost in the woods and being offered fast food by JQ...dreams are really quite amazing things.

Reversing time a little, Mr C and Mr H led us on an outing to the Old Market and Clarke Quay last Friday. And even before that, Mdm RC let us watch Epic Meal Time during her lesson! It really pays to be good students during her lesson. David, the expert on EMT, was selecting the most epic videos for us to watch. It made Amaris, the vegetarian, feel extremely nauseous and violated. But it made RC pretty hungry and she seemed very interested in participating in a challenge or two herself.

After school we ate lunch at EWF. David was still hyped up about EMT and declared that he's going to organize one during the holidays. In the midst of his excitement, he was also slightly hesitant about the imminent flood of bacon, a result of bursting his pants button from post-track weight gain that day.

Next we went to Stan's castle. On the way, Celeste wanted to know who Luenell was, because our friends often call Sanjev by that name. So I said: "She's that DAMN FAT woman from Borat." And as the words left my lips, this rather *robust* man whipped around and gave me this menacing death glare. I nearly died that afternoon.

At Stan's castle, he wanted to show us this website Omegle. We were exposed to many unforeseen...sights. Hamzah had a very crafty trick up his shirt. He stuffed tissues into it abundantly and shaped them into two sizeable igloos. Then he adjusted the webcam such that it focussed on his newfound prominent chest, and chatted horny guys up suggestively. The first guy we ran into was a blond Australian dude. And his first look at Hamzah's chest invoked a cry of "Oh dang!"

Hamzah was a maneater. Once he got the victim fooled, turned on and excited by groping his own chest vigorously, he would rip open his shirt, fling the tissues everywhere, and hoot vulgarities with a British accent. And then Stan would jump in, they would dance, and humiliate the deceived horny Omegler

Of the few hours we spent trolling, we only met 1 decent guy. He was called Leonardo and was playing jazz music in the background. He was from Italy! We told him we were a Mormon group of orphaned siblings. This showed us that the probability of meeting a cool dude on Omegle is approximately 1/42934030312321181199.

Later, we went to eat dinner. The architecture was amazing! It provided a good backdrop for Ainsley and Jon's exuberant camwhoring. It was the first time we'd ever gone out with Yos! After dinner, Hamzah led us on a long march to the MRT station. Ainsley and Jon began singing songs of solidarity and fellowship, such as Super Bass, and Bensoh told me a REAL LIFE ghost story about how his friend saw a ghostly apparation by the sandwich machine by the pond. I tried really hard not to lolz.

The rest of the night was disorienting. It ended with Sanjev biting Stan in a place Jonkoh misheard as "Blue Whale".

Midweek, Jonkoh surprised and amused Shivam, Niran, Ainsley, David and I on the bus by screaming "WHY IS IT RAINING?" on the bus when the air con opening dripped some water on him.

I spent most of the week tanning and shopping. The GSS is a total lie. Capitalist pigs!

Today I decided to go to school and learnt that moose can swim during ESS. Can you imagine it? Sigh. The mock test was terrible. It stumped even our ESS expert (fyeah)ZW. I spent a lot of time wondering what the wolves on this sanctuary ate before the moose swam over and colonized the island. Ruma refused to answer my question. I bet she doesn't know either.

Later, Gabriel, Joy and I were chillaxing after a hard week of focus/labour/concentration camps. Joy revealed that her dream would be to live in a nice, spacious studio apartment. Mine is to live on top of a mountain in Phuket and do yoga and pilates every morning and go tanning on the sand all afternoon and fishing in the evening and fly to Bangkok on weekends! Alternatively, I would like to marry a rich Chinese landlord and own a farm full of cool China dudes singing folk songs as they harvest wheat and other primary products. Gabriel's dream topped all of ours in scale and ambition. He dreams of buying a Rolls-Royce and using it as a mobile home. Everytime he'd need to shower, he'd just drop by Joy's apartment and take a bath. At night, he'd park his mobile home in one of his friends' condo car parks and stretch out on the seats. A good life all in all...

We also had a funny experience on the bus when two ang moh boys were talking to a really pretty ang moh chick. However, they were being so mean to her! Even though she was being friendly and nice toward them. They even called her a slut! Then again, it was quite weird that she randomly approached them and spoke to them like they were all friends. Gabriel and I started gossiping in Chinese and lolzing at their accent. Meanwhile, they began dissing her for being Mexican. We could not understand any of it, or any of each other's Chinese, after we progressed beyond simplified words and phrases even Cuong would know.

it's gonna get precarious

2011-05-24T22:10:00.006+08:00

It suddenly struck me who Van Wilder from the prequel reminds me of in character and looks. It's Shivam!!! One day I will go print screen. One day when I don't need to figure out how to double-sidedly print 3 copies of my History IA. How I'm going to solve that conundrum I haf absolutely no idea.

Today Celeste made a Faustian bargain with Ainsley and I and promised us her firstborn ^^

Also, Jiang Qing has infiltrated the school. She purged the girls at the end of the last year and her reign of terror still hasn't ended. Stan Ze Dong, please get a divorce leh!

And...Happy birthday Madam Audrey Tay <3My favourite math teacher of the ages. Jean made her a card featuring "box and whiskles" and Marcus wrote on it: "Whatup Auds" LOL.

Lastly, BenMok recommended this to me. It's hilarious!!!

mechanical animals

2011-05-23T22:53:00.005+08:00

This is all Ainsley and I have been doing during econs lessons!

I'm so lazy to type! All the IAs and other nonsense are giving me this aversion to words. BUT I am so relieved at the seemingly propitious EE draft Mdm returned to me with the endorsement of Paul Tan, source of the quote "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR". David and I agreed to completely disregard our predicted grades if they were crushing to the ego. Fortunately...our predicted grades = smallest cup size LOL.

Then again, our companions are Bensoh and Marcus Chan Kay Kay who have yet to submit their real first drafts. So this could all just be based on the theory of relativity.

Yesterday was also Marcus' birthday! Happy birthday to Jonkoh's ex-husband!!! I think Jonkoh settled the divorce before Marcus even got the wedding invitation. Whoreible, whoreible. As Ainsley would say. I can't even remember how I used to speak before I met Jonkoh and Ainsley! When I saw someone being mean previously, I would just think, "Walao", but now I just hear their voices in my head going "beechy, beechy!" When someone says something nice now, I have an urge to say "TANGZ". Thanks to Ainsley and Jon and to a lesser extent, Adele, "rolling" has developed a whole new meaning.

Ainsley and Stan were flirting shamelessly during math by sexting each other on their GDCs. Stan still has not gotten over Ainsley's partial rejection, because he was complaining about it even after school, and referring to Ainsley bitterly as "cynical bitch" and other demeaning terms. GDC texting was a very sneaky and conniving method to escape Audrey's fury, which was subsequently directed to BenMok because his shirt was stained and he looked absolutely beaten up. He must have been fighting crime or rolling. Hee hee.

Yesterday I had lunch with Gabriel and Nina. It was a very interesting experience that involved Nina smashing Gabriel's meatballs with her fork. She also shared about how she wrote her fat schoolmate a note saying he needed deodorant (pungent odour too!) and has now gained a reputation due to his "influential friends" of being a real asshole. Lol!

I also just thought of Mr C scolding us during Chapel today for our incessant talking. How can we not lolz when the speaker says something like "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift - that's why it's called the present"? He threatened to make Jonkoh clean the class for eternity and also threatened to make Gabriel sit in the middle of the steps and pinch each ear with the opposite hand. The second threat came true and Gabriel was sandwiched between Oja and their grumpy math teacher, where he sat holding his ears and giggling.

On an unrelated note, Bchen was 1.73m in Sec 1. This is such an unfair world we live in.

like a dog that's gone insane you're putting me down down down

2011-05-20T20:45:00.003+08:00

Celeste: Anyway I was telling my cousin about Sanjhair and he thought I said SANJSHINE. I died laughing cause I imagined Sanjev radiating light.
Jonkoh: That's like the name his wife might call him in future.

We incoherently shared this story with Sanjev after a long and painful assembly today. His reaction was a very stunned and nervous grin.

Inside, he must have been thinking:
WTS? This Yee Jen and Jin Ping are abbbbsolutely crazy dey. First angsanah, pong pongs? Now what?

But outside, he just kept smiling and looking freaked out, which made us conclude he enjoyed the story and this nickname.
Hehe.

Everyday has been madness like in King Lear.

Yesterday, Jonkoh, Ainsley and I accompanied David to buy a Happy Anniversary! card instead of condoms as pervy Ainsley suggested. David, the filial son, also hired Ainsley to inscribe the card with a loving message he obtained from his BB. While we were sitting around in Stella's room, negotiating a communal pon, we realised Bensoh has been MIA for many days. Could this be one time when "he died" was true? Suddenly, Bensoh walked through the door, making everyone jump and scream. I have never seen a ghost before.

Today, Shivam and Arjun wanted to try Gabriel's mango sorbet. So he scooped up a spoonful and shovelled it into their mouths. Before they had even swallowed, he thrust in another spoonful. And another. Until both indians had their stubble smeared with sorbet and were choking and laughing desperately. Gabriel was so vigorous that he even dropped sorbet over Arjun's shirt and pants. He searched the table for tissue and found none, so exclaimed: "There are no tissues here, but you can have a CHOPSTICK."
He grabbed a pair of chopsticks and began trying to pick the melting sorbet off Arjun's lap while the victim was still suffering from choking.

Ranny could have seen this, but he'd ditched us 8( Right before running off to play soccer, he reassuringly told us: "I'm not that type of guy la." That's what they always say! Within half an hour, his true colours had been revealed and his ditching left Gabriel with deep abandonment issues, just like Molly from ANTM. To console Gabriel, JQ wrapped his arms around him tightly and smothered Gabriel in sweat. Gabriel's horrified scream of "CHEEBYE" was so loud that our friends probably heard it from the library.

Ainsley could have seen this too, but he'd ditched me 8( Right after promising to eat at Astons with me. He was going extra crazy today and began dancing like Jo Kwon before ESS started. His dance was so engrossing (to himself) and boisterous that he didn't notice P.Davies' looming shadow at the window of the door.

blonde rebellion

2011-05-18T23:28:00.001+08:00

This happened to Ainsley by a tremendous Creep today. Poor boy!

scout's honor

2011-05-16T22:35:00.003+08:00

TODAY IS MEGAN FOX'S BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY <3<3<3

My mum is not home right now and I want to go out! Today was the epitome of surprises that characterize the past week. A normal day turned into an unexpected but satisfying pon and vegetarian food and Arthur, during which I wibbled every few minutes because of amazing Russell Brand, Anna spilled popcorn everywhere, and Joy provided very emotional responses to everything from Russell in a kilt to a man being shot with nails...Equally unexpected was Joy and I turning into serial molesters. While swinging my arm violently to imitate someone, my hands grazed the bottom of a bypassing woman. While walking without looking out for oncoming bosoms, Joy was smacked by a bypassing woman's chest. In these cases, we were Probably the victims.

Because I've been very lazy and distracted, MANY things have already slipped my mind the way Ainsley's hand slips into the permanently unbuttoned part of Bchen's shirt, but not been recorded. Whoreible, whoreible. Bchen was tennis perfection again this year, even after Gabriel wedgied him so violently his underpants were stretched to a point of discomfort right before his game. Last year, our class went down to support our Chinese Rapist friend and our excursion destination was Sheng Shiong, magical land of Chinese-dubbed Indians, 1 litre coke bottles, and David squeezing Jonk's stomach in public. This year, we faithfully stood by the court for the whole duration of Bchen and Koon Min's match, and cheered for our friends non-stop. People were shouting, BRIAN! BRIAN! KOON MIN! KOON MIN! Beside us, RGS girls were shouting _____! ______! (forgot their names) in voices deeper than Jon + Ainsley combined. Ainsley later remarked, "I don't like RG girls. They shout like men" It was very strange hearing Bchen being called his real name. But he wasn't acting like Normal Bchen that day, either. A new, fierce, serious Bchen was on the court shouting COME ONNNN and other intense things that made Ranny and Gabriel lolz madly at.

Reminiscing intense Bchen bellowing COME ONNNN during recess today made Ranny and Gabriel, master bullies, lolz madly once again. Cricket finals are coming up soon, and they urged Sanjev to do a Bchen, disregarding his protests that he would be on the bench. Shivam also chimed in that shouting COME ONNNNN would complement Sanjev filling water bottles very well.

To all this, Sanjev was quiet for a moment, then said: If I actually caught the ball, I also wouldn't know where to throw it.

Cricket finals sound like they're going to be a thrilling event. As always, the BFFs will sniff out the nearest souces of unhealthy fried food. After Bchen and Koon Min's match, we risked our lives running across 5 roads to Macs where we feasted on mountains of nuggets. We also feasted on bananas which we stole from Bchen.

Food has become the marker for all memorable activities. Last Friday Gabriel, Ranny and I had a long HTHT while nomming burgers and ice cream about many serious matters, such as the meaning of being truly and unredeemably ugz, price discrimination for marrying various people we know, and the BFF's sexual orientations.

This was a point of great interest for Bensoh at one point in time. His verdict, after a series of theories and critical Bensoh-style thinking, was:

Celeste = Asexual
Jonkoh = Straight
Ainsley = Bisexual
Me = Lesbian

I guess we'll never know C:

if doing it is wrong i don't wanna be right

2011-05-08T01:00:00.002+08:00

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

every mother's day needs a mother's night

After Madam Cheung's horror stories on pregnancy I doubt anyone will be giving birth soon so we should all celebrate by watching this awesome video.

ps. Hamzah and I saw the calculator watch that Andy Samberg is wearing! I really regret not buying it :'(

you're so L.A.

2011-05-07T22:19:00.003+08:00

Super funny videos that Bchen recommended. Watch me! Watch me!

ARMY FIGHTING LANGUAGE

YOUR MOTHERS' ARMY

STALL NEXT DOOR

ps. for the last video, remember to turn on the subtitles and get ready to die lolzing

i'd break the law once a week to feel your touch

2011-04-27T22:13:00.009+08:00

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE TRACK & FIELD TEAM C:

Look at those LEGS.

Someone is really "nonplussed" about the previous lookalike i posted. :'( SORRY. So I'm changing targets and showing lookalikes that you absolutely cannot refuse because they are om; atman; truth; nirvana.

CHRIS BROWN = BLOND HAMZAH. I swear, this is undeniably true. Just LOOK :o

SURI CRUISE LOOKS LIKE FRODO!!!
Then again, her father is practically a hobbit.

Andddddd...here's Jonks C: SEXY.

we might as well do the white line

2011-04-24T20:36:00.015+08:00

Today Isaac told me about how Bensoh had a nosebleed while vomitting after his birthday celebration. Bensoh continuously redefines the scope of Niranjan's patented exclamation "Oh Jesus!"

Anyway that's not the point!! I only logged in today for 2 reasons and here's the first:

Who does this look like to you! (not the Malay men in the background)

J...? J...K...?

Btw if you didn't recognize him, that's Chee Soon Juan, whose appeal I was supposed to watch at the JCLP with Shivam and Yong En. The appeal could have been the highlight of the course. But after it was cancelled, it was quickly replaced by the incident when Niranjan did a rodeo challenge on Mok. Mr Neg would have been really proud of him.

And secondly, happy birthday Mr Chan Chee Wei, father of Marcus Chan Kay Kay!

On Thursday it was our Napha test and I eagerly packed my shoes but noobily forgot my clothes! On the bus, I texted Celeste lamenting my absent-mindedness and chucked my phone into the cavernous depths of my bag. I got to school and she gave me her PE shirt and shorts despite my threat to bleach the colour out. Your kindness will be reciprocated C:
We also got As for all the stations yey. We're quite fit for two really lazy and greedy people who eat pratas everyday you know!

I also boasted to Marcus Chan that I actually kept the drawer knob from that Bio lab (there are no more knobs on the drawers). He didn't believe my lofty claim, so I dug in my bag...and there it was! He looked appropriately impressed. I rummaged around and found a spoon, lego bricks from last year's lego modelling competition which 6.12 won despite the minimal effort we put in (lol) and a finger condom leftover from Gabriel's birthday gift.
I gave it to him as a good luck charm for the English test and he put it on his pen to write his essay. He'll definitely score 25/25. Just wait and see, disbelievers and muggles! Magical things abound in the world - rubbing Shivam's chest hair (or so he claimed and forced Jonks to do), wearing your PE shirt tucked into PE shorts (will give you Man United style playing skillz) etc.

hutch hutchinson

2011-04-19T20:49:00.008+08:00

Today was the best English lesson we ever had. After intense begging and wheedling and shouts of "NUMBNUTZ" from exuberant Ainsley and I, Mdm agreed to let us watch NUMBNUTZ during her lesson. I just died and exploded into glitter. In Mdm's words, "I'm going home to write in my diary: Today Benita came alive. Usually she's just like...dead." Hehe.

NUMBNUTZ QUOTES:

Hutch: (about his Grandma fetish) Normally when a girl turns 40 she stops being kissed, so by 70 they're like re-virginized.

Hutch: (about Innova) There's a JC in Woodlands?! For the Malaysians is it?

Mike: I just gave birth a few weeks ago. That's why I have all this baby weight.

Hutch: When I'm in a coma I watch Glee. It's so bad it wakes me up.

Mike: What song really makes me sad...it's got to be that Friday song.

Hutch: (asked whether he farts in public) Of course! That's what farting is for. It's meant to be shared.

Joy, Gabriel, Ainzley and I began lmfaoing even before the video started. We died lolzing. Then we watched DURIAN DODGEBALL. Mdm was very appalled at the wastage of food, much more than when Hutch tongued the old lady.

If you haven't watched either of these videos yet (shame on you!!!!!!!), you can click here and here.

Which of the shots would you actually drink if you had to do the Russian roulette challenge? Gabriel and I are quite excited about trying it out ourselves, even though as Mike says, "I don't get why some ppl do stupid things. When I do it at least I get paid to." I think I would drink everything except the dog vomit. If it came to that I would just cry!

Love love love love love Numbnutz C:

BTW I saw the new lady working at the waffle shop opposite school today. She's so chio :o

long live hutch and mike

2011-04-17T00:33:00.001+08:00

BTW, go watch the new ep of Numbnutz HERE.

This is one truly hardcore ep. You'll know only when you watch it C:

get a grip but there's nothing to hold

2011-04-16T22:44:00.002+08:00

Guess who made these quotes...

1. "Eh! Sanjhair Blackhorse! Are you ready for Thaipusam?"

2. "I have a sex thing in my eye!"

3. "Seals balance on Bensoh's nose."

4. "I'm a farmer, not a builder!"

5. "Fat vegetarians are so mind-boggling."

6. "Oh shit Bensoh is a dangerous animal, sexual beast."

7. "Grope them and thank them for the good grope!"

8. "It's damn gay like really. Like homosexual."

9. "Sanjev is arranged to be with her. But he hates her. The true love is happening between us."

10. "I'm just not too interested in banging away at an old hag with bad eyes."

11. "LOL, then I gotta say her titmilk is quite okay."

12. "Eating crabs in my ceremonials is not exactly a dream come true la."

13. "I am fat and philosophical."

14. "I can't imagine myself hugging a dog ever! Way too intense man."

15. "Yos rollerblading is a little too happening and action packed."

tongue in cheek

2011-04-13T21:24:00.007+08:00

Sanjev: Making fun of Nic Lee is like a...moral right dey.

Mr C: Does that hand up mean you wanna go to the toilet?
Hamzah: No. Means I wanna go mosque.

Mr C: What is the greatest naval battle that took place at the Philippines?
Stan: Chickenutbread.

the pleasure of hating

2011-04-11T23:09:00.003+08:00

GOOD LUCK FOR NATIONALS RACHEL BB!!!!
HERE'S AN EPIC DONNIE YEN FOR YOU. HE WILL BRING YOU STRENGTH AND COURAGE~COURAGE~COURAGE~COURAGE~COURAGE

the love kickstarts again

2011-04-11T21:26:00.007+08:00

Today was a day of celebration!

Jonks and Ainsley had been stressing madly all weekend about their calamitious TOK presentation. But meeting our beloved TOK teacher today brought them a pleasant surprise (not just the bonus goatee lmao). They hadn't done as badly as they'd thought and she was proud of their results! Hurrah! They began cheering, dancing, and pretending to be their favourite Victoria's Secret Angels in the space frame while David looked on with his WTS? face.

VS love is a universal concept. During recess, Shivam had finished eating at Jonkoh speeds, and was looking at something on his phone with the expression Kar Min has for books. Immediately we all knew what he was looking at and demanded to see his porn stash. It was Alessandra and Niranjan insightfully remarked, "Dey, this is the first time I'm seeing tits bigger than yours, Benmok."

Fortunately the peace-spreading Angels were enough to soothe the tension of that delicate moment. Further tensions were stirred when Jon was scolded by Shivam for finding Alessandra's kids cuter than she herself. Disappointed, Shivam was quick to call Jonkoh names. Just like how Ainsley = Anuslee, Jonkoh = FatKoh, me = BenBen, Celeste = AhLes (???)

He compared Jonkoh to a tranny from something called MEATSPINS, which as he soon introduced to us, is even more scarring than it sounds. GOOGLE WITH CAUTION!

I decided to escape from the boys who were now watching Shivam simulate certain sequences from Meatspins and ran upstairs to find the girls.

Luckily, I quickly found Bensoh and Celeste. They were sharing History notes because Bensoh has lost all the notes which Mr. C printed for him again and has even transmitted this disease to Joy after she sat beside him frequently in the previous weeks. Jon and Ains arrived not long after, and started wailing and writhing. Naturally, many people tried to make them stop singing Taylor Swift.

Me: Nuuuu Jonkoh I hate that song!
Celeste: Her songs are all so whiny and they all sound the same!
Bensoh: She's not even hot (thinking of Sexxica)...
Joy: LOL.

Jonkoh flew into a fury. He was the angriest I've ever seen him in my life, even after Cedele served him rotten ice cream. He screamed at the whole class, "Don't make fun of my wife!" and at Bensoh, "Omigosh, go look in the mirror." Then he started picking up tables and throwing them everywhere, even at JQ. Just kidding. Jonkoh's just a hardcore fan, not a crazy boy we all know very well...

All the same, I really hate Taylor Swift's songs! Ainsley, Gabriel, and I love Taylor Momsen ;D She is gorgeous and brilliant. What's more, if she and Gabriel were friends, their birthdays are so close that according to Gabriel they could host a joint birthday party. It would be an amazing party.

I was high during math, and I wanted to write Koon Min my on-off penpal a note asking why his class was so badly smelly that day (same reason why Arjun says his class smells like a barn?) but I remembered he, like Stan, was off to play tennis! Did that mean Auds would be off to play tennis too? Just when our hopes were up, she walked in with a gloating smile and lolzed when I kept asking why she wasn't going to support the tennis team. She also rejected my offer of letting her skype with Stan, as we did with Hamzah during History. She's missing out on the fun of Skype!

Afterwards Ainsley braided Celeste's fringe and pinned it all over her head and challenged me to do yoga poses while talking about upskirting. Then we drew what we imagine Chinese Jews to look like on our borrowed tables. Sometimes I feel quite bad for the classes we go into and destroy like the Japanese...

Mr C: Their motto was "kill all, burn all, loot all."
Gabriel: Rape all.
Mr C: Close enough. Rape half.

Gabriel is racially and religiously intolerant. On Sunday he texted me blaming the temples for the jam that held him up for an hour.

He had other unkind things to say about our friend Nina when we went to watch her water polo match today, which is a whole new story.

After school, Ainsley and I dropped by the pool to check out the polo players. That's also a whole new censored story. Lol. The girl's polo match that I wanted to watch was after ACS I played ACJC. We were standing near a rabid middle-aged ACJC supporter who was cheering so wildly we thought we'd lost. But ACS I triumphed and it's a mystery why there are no self-declared holidays coming up soon. Then the girls walked out. Oh yeah!

I saw Nina. She was wearing a flames-patterned swimsuit after all! The girls' match was 10000x more vicious than the boys'. There was this particular burly Indian girl whom I spotted strangling her opponent in a headlock and trying to push her underwater. At another time, Ainsley spotted her clawing at this poor SAJC girl UNDER HER WAIST. Oh Jesus! They were the life of the match.

At half-time, Ainsley ditched me and went home to sleep. I went to get my bag and saw Fang Ding Xun walking over! What fantastic timing. Nina was just getting into position. He took one look at her and exclaimed, "She looks like a gnome!" We watched the match until the rugby players began streaming onto the track and he decided to go in the fear of JQ coming over and calling him a cheekopeh, and after unsuccessfully trying to lead me down the path of ponning and laziness. That's truly a road less travelled for me.

To end a post of celebration, Hwa Chong (Nina's team) won! Hurrah C: It's not often I cheer for the victories of a Communist.

UP OR DOWN?

2011-04-09T20:39:00.001+08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I watched this and lolzed. Then I thought of the day Gabriel, Ranny and I found out Bensoh got chatted up by Jezebelle about his skins and lolzed even harder.

another very boring and whiny post

2011-04-04T22:52:00.003+08:00

Today I was asking Rachel about Rock & Roots. She replied, "Aren't those all old men?" and linked me to the Reading Festival Line-up. Rachel and her brother are considering ponning school to go and watch.

THIS made Bchen and Sanjev really amused today. Sanjev seemed like he was in a very good mood. He was being very noisy in the library in his enthusiasm for scarrification and his new cricket jersey. It was as tight as Jon's dance jacket is loose. Shivam ordered 1 size smaller than Sanjev. His fellow cricketers stopped by to remark on how Shivam's belly would be spilling out of his shirt when he wears it.

Grr. I am going to lie on my bed and emo to The Shins now. Goodnight.

#badassfarmers

2011-04-03T22:44:00.007+08:00

From a teleological perspective (HAHA I just wanted to use that phrase, I used it in my EE and thought it sounds very cheem), there was no reason to be so stressed yesterday. I'm sorry Jonks and Joy and Hamzah, who I called and texted like a spambot to vent out my fluctuating emotions. Thanks for being so patient! I hate planning things, I don't think I can ever be a dictator like Joy. Maybe a Goebbels only!

Anyway, I'm going to write about Thursday's PE lesson now. We went to the new MPH with abseiling equipment. It was the first time Celeste and I ever went there! Our PE teacher let us play badminton or run. Everyone raced to get badminton rackets, except Kar Min who solitarily sprinted 2.4km in <5 minutes. Celeste and I looked contemplatively at the rackets, then decided we'd rather drag 2 gym mats over from the corner and lie on them to do gym exercises and talk. Everytime our PE teacher asks the class what we want to do each lesson, Celeste and I always shout "gymnastics!" So we did and it was fabulous. We just lay on them, doing splits and Candle poses and other gym tricks, while everyone else in the hall played hardcore badminton. Our PE teacher walked over with a very stunned/amused face and asked us if we were okay. We nodded reassuringly and he walked away half-reassured. Celeste said that question referred to our mental okay-ness. I had to agree.

Stan and Bchen were battling Gabriel and Chuanyang in the court in front of us. On the other side, Joy was dominating Ainsley and Aishah. Beside them, Arjun and Bensoh were duelling Sanjev and Niranjan. We got to watch about 4 matches at once! Is that value for money or what? When they got tired, Gabriel and Bchen came to sit on our mats and lepak. They were mildly sweaty. Then Stan ran over and he was profusely sweaty. He was shimmering with sweat even on his legs. Who on earth sweats at their legs after exercise? Bchen and I decided to make him a runway so he could slide along, propelled by his own perspiration. We laid out 3 mats and he rolled around, slicking them up. It was really quite gross in a hilarious way. He backed up a few steps, then ran and slidddddddd. In that moment, a new watersport was created.

Afterward, Bensoh came and lay down, ruining Celeste's and my peaceful gym picnic. We pelted shuttlecocks at him and tried to squash him with layers of gym mats. Punishment for always bullying us!

That afternoon David, Gabriel, and Shivam signed up to represent the class in a gruelling test of physical stamina. But David was sick, so I filled in for him for the Taboo competition hosted by our beloved English teachers.

Speaking of our beloved English teachers, I slept at 330am that night (after gym, Taboo and all) trying to write a good World Lit essay. It was torture. What's the point anyway when 99.9% of it will have to be rewritten? (the 0.1% refers to my name by the way) I had a one-on-one consultation for my other World Lit previously which consisted of my essay and mood being destroyed. She gave me a look that might have been trying to convey the sentiment: "I just saw a piece of shit on the floor. It made me think of your English".

Anyway, the new 6.12 team became Gabriel, Shivam, me and Stan, after Stan displayed intense enthusiasm to play Taboo. When we were registering, Stan went up to Madam to give his name. He told her his name was Tobias Constantine Low Ming Loong. She wrote it down. So in that moment, we became Team Tobias. We were the only team with a reserve! Sadly we didn't win. I think it's because we didn't cheat one bit. See what integrity comes to? Nothing special.

Afterward I went for netball where Poojha came up with many devious tactics to distract opponents e.g asking for their phone numbers and Annabel made me feel tall.

GOODNIGHT.

miami nights

2011-04-03T13:12:00.003+08:00

LOL HAVE YOU WATCHED THIS? WATCH THIS, FRIENDS WHO ARE LEARNING THE ART OF SHUFFLING!

BUT I CAN'T DANCE COS I'M TOO JEWISH.

just mild apprehension

2011-03-29T22:31:00.008+08:00

My new favourite place to eat at Tanglin is Oomphantico's! Sorry sorry Oomphantico's. We, the noisy nuisances, are coming back forever and ever and ever!

It has displaced Chillis after the out-of-body experience with the queso refills today. I promised myself I wouldn't become ravenous and eat everything in sight and I even wrote "ANO" (anorexic) on my hand to remind myself, but all this came to nothing. I was so bloated I couldn't breathe, I think my stomach has doubled and suffocated my lungs internally and restricted blood flow and a normal train of thought. My stomach feels like it's just been sandpapered from the inside. Shite.

That reminds me of today's English class in which I escaped a ferocious scolding by being meek and apologetic, a technique I learnt from Gabriel who used this strategy to survive the wrath of Nirmala's significant cuttlefish breathing other. We were going through the banjaxing scene in Paddy Clarke and Gabriel, Hamzah, and I decided to shout the vulgarities so loud while re-enacting the scene that hopefully our neighbouring classes hear it booming through the walls of the classroom.

I yelled "shite" so loud everyone suddenly burst into laughter. Hamzah boomed "TITS" with such conviction and strength that tables and chairs fell over. Gabriel enthusiastically and excitedly blew his nose (like a band), cleared his throat, and bellowed "FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". I think the whole world heard it. Nirmala sat through this with a vaguely amused expression and asked us if we curse frequently. Gabriel said the worst word he uses is "stupid". Amaris of the immaculate conception said the worst word she uses is "fart". I don't swear! (Unlike Denise who did it in front of the whole MGMT queue lmao) But my linguistic indulgence is Hokkien phrases. They don't sound very crude but they're so funny. I think gangsters cuss with a loooot of creativity. Maybe I'm really just an ah lian at heart. I just need to rebond my hair. In fact, Celeste and I are thinking about dressing up as Ah Lians this halloween. Hahaha! Good idea, right?

Work is not very intense this week (or maybe I'm just lazy & ignorant & illiterate) but my classmates seem increasingly stressed. Please don't worry. Everything will work out!!!

Some have descended into further madness, exemplifying the commonly made assertion by Ben Mok that .12 is a branch of Woodbridge. Yesterday, Stan, Amaris, and Ainsley were eating gummies with juice in them. The next moment, they were shouting about "jizzing candy" and the trading card in the gummies that they claimed was of underwear. I demanded to see it and it was of a boy holding a spear. HUH? Stan is really an extreme boy.

When we went to the touching pool hosted by the Underwater World, the nurse shark was lying on top of a stingray, and he exclaimed in his usual loud voice, "The shark is making love to the stingray!!!" The representative from the Underwater World looked very awkward + embarrassed of his sexing animals.

He also got a haircut that Niranjan laughed at for hours. Ranny is very determined to get him to shave off the central area of his hair so the resemblance between him and Chairman Mao is amplified. Does Stan look like Mao? I guess if Ranny, the voice of illumination, says so, I'll obediently agree.

I just put jellybeans in my bag for Ranny and Celeste. I told Ranny I'd give him jellybeans as a congratulatory gift for competing his Math Port but they are also a good luck charm for Celeste's SYF.

GOOD LUCK CELESTE! I hope your results will exceed your shrimpy expectations :D

i need you though we're miles apart

2011-03-27T22:14:00.004+08:00

MGMT and WBA were simply...
.
And if you weren't there, who asked you to stay home instead of going?!

If you weren't there at 4 o'clock to q for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd row places, who asked you to be soh slow?!

Amaris and Joy had pledged their alliance with blood but like Hitler, they were turncoats and invaded through Poland right after we all promised, deciding not to adhere to their earlier oaths. Fortunately, Denise decided to go and even bought me my ticket :'D On account of the thirteen nights we spent in the same bed in Europe? HAHAHA I THINK SO.

While we were queueing she was being a grouchy girl and refused to show me her embarrassing GP paper. This might or might not be connected to her standing up a few minutes later and knocking her head against the handrail soundly. It was so audible that some guy described it as two lorries crashing into one another. But it wasn't quite as audible as her exclamation. I didn't think it was that loud, but almost half of the line heard her shout FUCK!!! and were supremely concerned. She said "Thanks for the sympathy" as if to balance off the rudeness. Being a good friend to my favourite foul-mouthed Denise, I couldn't stop lolzing for 5 minutes.

Afterward it was a lot of waiting. There was a brief moment of excitement when the queue began to move and then it was a bag check. We ran like it was the cross country nationals to the next section which was just another queue. Then Nat Chia showed up very calmly in the Singtel queue, having just arrived 8( It turned out you could just get into the privileged queue if you were a Singtel user, which all of us were! Arjun, Jontang, Sean, Lim Jiang, and Denise were quick to climb over but Haokai and I were too slow. We were left abandoned in the nooby long line with periods of silence (because we dk each other and nothing much to talk about), which was also let into the hall later. But we still made it to the 2nd row! Yay.

There was lot of waiting. First it was the opening act, a Singaporean instrumental band. Everytime they were about to play a new song, they would announce the name and someone in the crowd would shout "OMG MY FAVOURITE SONG", making everyone lolz. It might have been Lim Jiang, who also shouted a lot of funny things repeatedly. He shouted to the drummer, who looked like he was going to toss out his drumsticks, "GIMME! I'LL SUCK YOUR COCK".

Sadly we just wanted WBA and MGMT to come. The applause and cheers when they left were deafening.

WBA came out. They had immense stage presence! Actually, we saw the frontman of WBA while we were queueing. He waved! He was tall and thin and bespectacled. He looked the same as he did on stage. Lim Jiang asked why I was not jizzing like the other girls in the queue. I asked him why HE wasn't! He said he likes Andrew and I said me, too!

Andrew did not disappoint! He was wearing cat ears and he was magical. Lim Jiang screamed: "FUCK ME ANDREW" "I LOVE YOUR HAIR" and "I WANNA HAVE YOUR BABIES ANDREW". It was great! But there was a man who kept standing glued to me. I thought it was because Arjun and Lim Jiang were pushing him from behind but they claimed they weren't and the man was being a weird pedo. I placed my bag between us lol. They were quite concerned about the pedo. Everyone was being very nice to me, I was so touched! They made sure I wasn't lost in the crowd and the queue and kept asking if the man was too close. So nice :'D

Afterward, Arjun managed to catch a pick MGMT threw out, and Jontang caught the setlist, which had handwritten notes on it! Lucky boys!!!

They bought $5 drinks. I was waiting around and saw that the friend Joseph Sim was with was Yong En! I was surprised he remembered me lol. We regretted worrying so much about the ponning fiasco last December, but it was really demoralizing at the time!

Then we ran into David and friends at 7/11. David said he was too tired to eat supper + he still hates me (haha maybe). Everyone was dying. I think I was only so energetic cos I'm the only lazy one who didn't have to work out that day/the day before.

Then we all went home and I went to Macs but decided not to eat anything for fear of being a fatty, and walked home in the dark happily. Isn't that the nicest part of returning home when it's dark, after midnight? You can walk along the empty road and canal, singing whatever you want however loudly you want?

This is a very boring post I have to agree, but there's not much I can say to describe the energy level of MGMT/WBA. The crowd on the other hand was a bit dead? There were actually people who didn't move at all throughout. MGMT is not the Singapore Symphony Orchestra! There was a man in front of me who was quiet throughout. I guess he was appreciating Andrew in his own silent way but he should have let someone shorter and more enthusiastic take his place! There was space between me and the man beside but everytime I edged a bit to ask Lim Jiang to move up the guy would just expand himself and occupy it. Oh no I feel a rant rising up. Sorry. I think when concert management checks for tickets they should also check for BO. Some of the people standing near us were so fecking smelly. They have guards to pull people out for lighting up and stuff, but BO is just as distracting and unpleasant when everyone is packed together!

Brian Eno was brilliant. It's my favourite MGMT song! Go watch it on youtube! They didn't play Future Reflections, also my favourite song, but that was okay I guess. Electric Feel was terrific! Kids was great as expected. But yesss the Brian Eno was still the most magnificent, go and watch it on youtube!

Anyway as an anticlimax I went back to school and was scolded + received threats of an impending scolding + detention on Saturday. Meanwhile, Denise stayed in and slept til 3 pm.

Celeste recounted how my class played Neg's Urban Sports on Thurday during PE (the Rodeo challenge). At one point BenMok decided to leap onto Hamzah's back and squashed the poor boy. They also decided to collectively leap onto Niranjan's back. He too was squashed flat.

Looking further into the world of sports, Bchen reported that he upgraded Celeste and my characters in Fifa such that we are now the most highly skilled footballers in the world of Bensoh Fifa (even higher than Sanjev!). I bet we have our own ads, like Ronaldo, and WAGs too? This is really promising. Celeste and I once begged Niranjan, the legendary football champion, to teach us this art. We could not afford his starting fees of $300/h and hence are the noobs we are today.

But Fifa shows that we actually have boundless potential and one day I'll live up to the nickname JQ made for me, Joga Bonita, which I was scared was some Spanish hooker's name until Wei Jian told me it was a football thingy. I googled it and it was really kewl. You may not believe me but I know some things football okay. Once I told Niranjan that Drogba was from Ivory Coast and he was dumbfounded at the rare words of truth and light spilling from my mouth. To my embarrassment, I admit that I used to like Arsenal but I've changed my ways. Now I restrict myself to saying I like Robin Van Persie. There is no shame at all in saying that!

Mokman just paid a visit to my house. He was visiting a neighbour of mine (Or rescuing a local cat stuck in a tree? Thank goodness for MokMan's valour and lifesaving, crimefighting heroism) and decided to alert me to his presence in the neighbourhood. Bukit Timah is the best, it's under Mokman's protection!

Speaking of cats in trees, this is random as hell but I actually saw one in Austria. I've never seen a cat in Singapore stuck in a tree before!

Bensoh calls me a snob, but Bukit Timah really is the best. I am usually reluctant to travel outside of town + CBD/Holland V/Bugis area/Bukit Timah. The furthest I enjoy traveling is the Liang Court/Central district by Clarke Quay and up til KAP. Hence it was a big shock when I finally contacted my math tutor during the March holidays and asked him if I could go back to class, and he told me the whole centre had relocated to Kovan. Where in the world is that? Malaysia? I asked around and apparently it was a stone's throw from Bensoh's house. A stone thrown by Mok, I guess. That made sense. I derive a lot of pleasure laughing at how ulu Serangoon is. I don't really think so, because Serangoon Garden is quite a nice place (looks like those town centres in computer games with the little shops and bus stop). But it's just funny seeing how worked up Bensoh gets when I insult his hometown. Sorry people who live in Serangoon. You have a very nice Sushi Tei.

Oh no. Can't believe I just spent so much time talking nonsense when I could have been doing productive things like studying history or reading my econs notes or figuring out GDC tricks, as I usually do ahem. It's time to sleep now. Goodnight everyone! Don't you feel like no matter how much you sleep, you're still sooo exhausted when you wake up?

p.s: Gabriel asked if the first gif in the side panel thing is from Nude Nuns with Big Guns. It's from Machete which David introduced to us!

all we need is courage

2011-03-25T23:00:00.010+08:00

VIEW FROM THE 2ND ROW C:

dave up the arse

2011-03-23T23:29:00.009+08:00

Over the time of our acquaintance David has introduced me to many wonders of the world, such as LMFAO, the ability to add the 2nd stall's fried chicken to noodles from another stall, and Gabriel. I've accepted all these teachings wholeheartedly! But thanks to the time he brought us to eat at Spize, I want to eat there badly now!

I hinted repeatedly that tomorrow we should eat supper somewhere nearby. Somewhere near...River Valley? ^^ He said okay but I hope River Valley will be the midnight unhealthy food destination tomorrow! Fingers and toes crossed xxxxxxx.

Bchen just linked me to another David-recommended gem. These sports sound like something our friends would come up with and play. (e.g snorting powder on tables, whipping complete strangers with their ties, playing dodgeball with buttocks)

Bchen: Hahaha all the stuff you see all feasible for us to do sia
Me: Omg the swear bingo is super funny. But we can replace it with singlish swear words, cb lj knn all.

GEYLANG HERE WE COME ^^

Dares were being issued during recess today. Gabriel sang to Ainsley during English: "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands!" and Ainsley enthusiastically clapped along. Gabriel was very amused at his easygoingness and wondered if the whole SAC would do it in unison if he did it there. I dared him to get up on the table and shout it out. Ranny dared him to rip Jonk's pants down and "stick his head in them", which Gabriel offered to perform for a measly sum of $5. There is no dare we would turn down! (like the WOW night with toothpaste oh noes)

Urban Sports is distracting me too hard. Go read THIS. I was pretty amazed and shocked.

edit: HAHAHAH THIS is exactly what Ranny did to Mokman on that fateful December day outside Adelphi.

try to break my heart and I'll drive to Arizona

2011-03-22T21:49:00.004+08:00

S.O.S
I just finished watching the Pretty Little Liars season finale! Aria and Hanna, go download and watch it now! - A

Coincidentally, it is titled "For Whom The Bell Tolls", the poem Mr Chirnside quoted to us. Today, our history teacher was brimming with more remarkable quotes.

Mr C: (upon seeing Bensoh's empty table) No pen, no paper, no hope. Go run 800 metres and get some!
Joy: *kindly offers Bensoh her pen*
Mr C: No no no, let him suffer. You're like the little boy with the puppy! (the devotions in the morning were about an empathetic kid who adopts a puppy with a limp)

Yesterday was a crazy day; everyone had a math port hangover and were either absurdly high or in a state of faint (e.g Gabriel). Bchen claimed he was so busy he forgot to shave, Amaris pulled an all nighter and slept so hard last night that when dawn came she didn't realise it was morning, Shivam mysteriously got a paper cut on his lip. I gave him a piglet plaster and he said it was cute but drew the line at pasting it over his mouth.

Tomorrow is the day of the cross country championships. GOOD LUCK TO THE CROSSIES.

The only cross picture I remembered having in my com was this one of Janell that Rachel sent me to describe the sad face everyone has when they're running. I'm sure it'll bring lots of good luck!

i can't tell what i want but i think it's more

2011-03-20T23:23:00.004+08:00

MWAHAHAH! My math port is completed, Mr-Rama certified, printed, and stored in my bag. Upon reflection it's very clear why this particular port is so hateful.

1. It's Mathematics. How on earth do HL Math students survive? How on earth do you lead such miserable mathematical lives, Bchen and Sanjev?! You are modern day heroes 8(

2. It's about Chinamen. Niranjan and I bemoaned how much of our lives were being wasted away while calculating how many Ching Chongs (Ranny's word) are being born every five years. Imagine if they'd let us come up with our own question. These sorts of questions have infinitely lolzy potential topics (e.g the correlation between the size of the triangle and *****'s mood hehe)

3. It's tainted with the unbearable stench of ESS. Population growth? Demographic transition? Memories of the 9/20 are flooding back in disastrously :'( We were quite excited to finally have a P.Davies "practical" instead of another scolding by Ruma. But when we finally got to class, all we got were separated tables and a piece of paper with mindboggling graded Geog-type questions. It was the worst practical ever. Ainsley got 10/20. Amaris got 12/20. I got back my paper and a 9 beamed up at me. Then I looked to my right and Marcus got 6. I can't say that didn't lift my spirits a little.

4. It revealed the mathematical genius lying within Jonks when he figured out logistic regression all on his own. I guess this isn't really a hateful - who am I kidding, shame on you Jonkoh! I can't believe one of my friends and one of the BFFs is secretly a math nerd who spends all his days playing with his GDC >:O Is math noobitry not one of the cornerstones of the BFF manifesto?

Me: I feel like I haven't seen you in a long time 8(
Celeste: Yeah I haven't seen you in years!
Me: How's your family? Kids? Sec school already?
Celeste: Ya! Yours JC right? Mine got first in class for his common test!
Me: So smart! I bet he's going to express stream right?
Celeste: He's already in express stream :P

This is us ten years down the road/an hour ago on MSN. Math port isn't too good for our mental health haha.

Bensoh has been a big bully this holiday. I think he might be PMSing. He threatened to squash Celeste with her school bag. Furthermore, he kept scolding me for "acting cute". Do I??? When I replied, "What? I am cute" there was a moment of incredulous silence on his half. Then:

Benjamin says
LAWL

What a horrible boy!!! First he crushed Celeste and my dreams of becoming comic book writers/artists, now he makes us feel small and shrimpy.

Rachel did this too.

In Crystal Jade, I asked Rachel to touch my stomach and tell me it was hard. She practically punched my stomach until I fell over under the table. Everyone was very concerned but we were laughing too hard to explain what happened.

On a side note, I woke up this morning/afternoon and my dream was strangely clear. I realised I spent 11 hours last night dreaming that I was playing WOW in the airport and I was ecstatic because I unlocked some code that let me play an NPC. Most embarrassing nerdy dream ever 8( This is something that I promise will never happen in real life.

Anyway sch**l resumes tomorrow. (Censorship so this news won't come off as vulgar as it really is) I just realised how wonderful the past week has been without any econs lessons. That ends tomorrow. On the other hand, this also explains why we all haven't been getting enough sleep. Today my mum asked me if I was wearing eyeliner. No mum, it's just panda eyes from my Bad Girls Club marathon last night.

I think I'll go and sleep now. Sorry for all the dull ranty posts this week, every unpleasant thing just leads back to the math port, which leads back to the beginning of this post. Circularity siolz; just like Huck Finn.

bangkok tiems

2011-03-20T01:09:00.007+08:00

I went for a roadside concert in Bangkok cos it was really near my hotel and my mum was having a nap. They were really good. I thought they were just some ulu band but the crowd knew all their lyrics! Plus the guitarist has a bit of a Slash style going on, so cute!
Late at night I went to eat ice cream and I saw him and a girl with two huge boxes of Krispy Kremes hahaha.

hey nana hey nana

2011-03-17T23:44:00.008+08:00

Lina showed me this after I was telling her about tattoos:

WTFLOL. Go look up that site! This is just 0.00000000001% of the crazy shit up there.

I was telling Ranny about my holiday this afternoon and he was stupefied to hear about the red shirt protesters and trannies I met in Bangkok. Well, there was one tranny. She was a lingerie salesgirl and had the voice of BenMok.

Why is Niran so funny? I've honestly never met anyone as funny as him in real life! He's a legend like Andy Samberg. I'm honoured to be part of the pact Celeste and I made with him and Sanjev. FRIENDS 4 LIFE.

ps. HI LIM JIANG. I know I'm retarded lol

it's hardly a sink or swim

2011-03-16T22:10:00.007+08:00

HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY DAVID!

Even though you won't read this (which is a good thing)!

The cab driver was playing Linkinpark uncensored today, and I instinctively felt like singing along. It reminded me of a time when Ainzdog and Jonk were cabbing with me when California Gurls began playing really, really softly. At first we tried to resist the urge to sing along. It was just too hard. We began to whisper like retards while convulsing with the strain of keeping the lolz in. (sunkissed skin...so hot we'll melt your popsicle...hee hee hee...)

Today Ainsley and I designed Shivam a very interesting test that forced him to marvel at our brilliantly wicked minds. I offered a variation of it to Ranny too and it was described as "one helluva conundrum". It somehow involved an animal, the obese aunty who bashed Lim Heng with her erm chest and many disastrous implications. Ainz and I could seriously just quit school and work as designers of Mensa tests. If you can answer our tests that challenge the intellect and the essence of humanity, you have a beautiful mind.

Afterward, Shivam Ainsley and I decided to go harass Joy, who was also in town. She refused to see us and instead ran off to go eat with Bensoh, as we later discovered. HORRIBLE. She missed out on a good checking girls out and shopping at Fourskin. Shivam and I often have insightful discussions on which girls we think are chio (especially girls in our school). Then we usually come to the same conclusion because...we've talked about it before -_-

The school diary is so useful siolz.

glory glory

2011-03-10T23:17:00.004+08:00

Marcus Chan: The real test is going to be Saturday but I think I can make it.
Me: Do you want a reward from me too? (for Marcus' determination to give up his addiction for a week)
Gabriel: I don't do any of these things.
Me: Hahaha you're a good boy.
Gabriel: I'm a good boy, all I do is fart. Like now.
Marcus: How is it? A strong one?
Gabriel: No, it's a bit of a fast and furious.

Celeste and I just died laughing after I scrambled up and sprinted away from Gabriel who was sitting beside me. What did we ever do to deserve such amazing and crazy friends? Who would fight to be the Tucked-in-shirts side when we play team sports, turn international football club play styles into PE strategies, reguarly witness each other changing, give up suffrage to accomodate another friend's biased voting preferences, and make plans to go to Phuket/Russia/Bensoh's beach bunglalow in Bali after graduation to go completely crazy and get tan together?

cute boys who make me laugh

2011-03-10T00:42:00.009+08:00

go crashing into the ocean

2011-03-08T21:41:00.005+08:00

THAT'S IT! I've given up on work at the late hour of 9 o'clock. Everything is undone - my EE, my history essay, my stack of math worksheets, my history and economics IAs, my university research, my TOK presentation, my shirt button...

Today I was walking through the secondary school block when a buff Sec 4 boy bowed as we passed. I was wtfed + flattered.

During ESS, Ruma was showing off her new laptop wallpaper, which featured Eugene Leong and Leon Heng. This caused a great deal of excitement in our class. Ruma said, disappointedly, "Eugene is either sleeping or talking in my class. I need to put him in a straightjacket." Nobody could identify the link between the two sentences. Marcus turned to me and declared that he's going straight back to his mansionette to send her a picture of him so he'll be her new wallpaper.

Ainsley says the many entries of my blog are not unlike Paddy Clarke's fragmented stories. Would I win the Booker Prize? I'm more interested in following in Xiaxue's footsteps. Celeste has already reserved the role of Kaykay if my blog ever becomes famous like XX!

I'm persuading Ainsley tirelessly to pursue a career in fashion design so that he can be the new Alexander Wang. I would contort myself to get into anything A.Wang designed. My noble motive for redirecting Ainsley's future is to help him realise his potential and my self-indulgent motive is so I can be his Erin Wasson, who is Alexander Wang's sidekick, muse, and BFF. Ainsley already often imposes his style on me and I dress like how he would as a girl. It's quite amazing!

Goodnight!

SQUEE

2011-03-06T22:38:00.002+08:00

I TALKED TO MIKE AND HUTCH ALTHOUGH IT WAS MOSTLY HUTCH WHO RESPONDED. HE ASKED ME "ARE YOU FROM ACS". I MADE THEM LAUGH. I SQUEED A LITTLE WHEN MIKE LAUGHED. BUT I WAS TOO SLOW TO PRINT SCREEN THAT GLORIOUS MOMENT! OMG! LIFE IS FANTASTIC RIGHT NOW.

salt meets wound

2011-03-06T00:06:00.003+08:00

Today I was at a specialty store in Greenwood Ave, my new favourite place, when I made an astonishing discovery. The pasta that is used to make Squid Ink Pasta is BLACK! All along I'd noobishly been assuming that the whole pasta dish is black because of the squid ink sauce. But you can actually buy the black strands of dried pasta, which already have squid ink flavour! This is an earth-shattering revelation!

But why does everyone already know about it? :'(

"fat vegetarians are so mind-boggling"

2011-03-03T23:16:00.003+08:00

What is a shark?
IT IS A TYPE OF FISH.

Many things have happened, most of them lolz-inducing, some distressing! I'm going to buy new school uniforms tomorrow. I can't wait. I asked 7heodore if I could wear the house tank top for the track and field meet. He said sure, if it's small enough. House spirit siolz.

broken telephone

2011-03-01T23:13:00.004+08:00

Gabriel and I are even. Last night I texted him to come down to Burger King at 740a.m when actually I meant 8.10. So he did!!! He was there at 7.20 and fumed when he called me and I was still slowly walking out of my house. SORRY GABRIEL.

"his mummy didn't want him to get a real tattoo so he had to revert to drawing"

2011-02-27T02:59:00.008+08:00

I just went online and was told by a friend that she's going to see ARCADE FIRE overseas. NOOOOOOO TAKE ME WITH YOU. I'm feeling very jealous now.

On Thursday Celeste and I left class during PE to help out at the blood donation drive. The title of Ponning Champion/Ponstar Extraordinaire in our class is one that is so fiercely contested over and this helped us greatly in our race to number 1! In my way stand David, Gabriel, Amaris, Joy, Mok, and countless other indomitable figures.

We were not nurses 8( but were assigned the role of ushers, and a boy from the previous slot was eager to explain to us the duties of the usher. In his eagerness, his rambunctious Chinese accent overtook his speech. I know it's really horrible of us, but we began lmfaoing madly, which only spurred him on to crack some jokes (in his rambunctious accent). We are just completely susceptible to accents! It was honestly comparable to the Copper Coppler experience on Numbnutz. Mr. Chen Jia Fei ended up explaining our roles to us 4 times, before we feigned comprehension just so he wouldn't have to go another round.

Celeste and I also played the game from Bored In Bikinis where you squeeze yourself into cardboard boxes of varying sizes. Shivam got stuck in one box and needed Celeste, Gabriel and my combined effort to pull him out. He needs another bout of diarrhoea from roadside Indian food.

Besides this, we just wandered around talking and laughing and being disastrous ushers who promoted a policy of self-service to the kind folks who were there to donate their blood. Things took a turn for the lolz when our class arrived, whooping and shouting. We could already hear them in the hall so we decided to create a fake registration form for friends-only, comprising all kinds of ridiculous data such as 'best friend', 'last night's dinner' and 'hobby'. To our amusement, most of our friends filled it in diligently and honestly, and we were privy to the knowledge that Gabriel's dinner the night before was Famous White Beehoon and Marcus' best friend is Patrick, just like Spongebob Squarepants!

Our classmates were also the only crazy ones to actually take the pen attached to the clipboard for themselves. Phoon's eyes lit up when we offered him the box of pens without chains and he and Bchen began brawling between themselves for this valuable loot. Someone asked Phoon why he even volunteered for this at all, and it turned out his main motivation was the complimentary refreshment booth loaded with crackers and juice.

Then on Friday it was the ridiculous talent show. Gabriel and I had agreed to go together, but when I reached the bus stop outside school, he called to say he was only passing Hwa Chong, where there were many hot HC chicks. I began to cry because Gabriel cheated my feelings + cannot see the pretty HC chicks. Then I called Shivam, who was with Patrick and Krystal. He was late as usual. I was so sad! But at least I learnt a very important lesson that punctuality does not pay. I threatened Shivam with a demerit point, but fortunately Gabriel arrived soon after with Mingyang, who had not been woken up because his maid/parents thought he was sleeping so comfortably he probably wanted to sleep in (???), despite him telling them he had something on at night.

When I finally went in Krystal said: "You didn't miss anything" and soon I realised it was true. Apart from a few moments of Je Sern playing a tambourine, Ainsley's husband Ryan being intense (singing Arcade Fire), and Celeste and my good luck charm Yijia covering Taylor Swift, the show was kind of boring. Gabriel apologized for making me go when all afternoon I was telling him to pon it (another good lesson is Never Turn Back On A Pon). His penalty was to eat the disgusting remains of my food after the show. I also asked him what he would do if he were chosen to perform for the show, and Gabriel said he would solitarily go on stage and do a scouts march while bellowing commands. He asked what I would do and I said I would do splits. Our talents are pretty amazing.

We entertained ourselves by laughing at lots of nonsense and Mingyang, who was telling us tales of his exotic pet. What could it be? A lion? An otter? We'll never know. Gabriel, with his horrific imagination, asked Mingyang to imagine if his pet "bit your scrotum". Mingyang assuredly refuted our wild theories.

Afterward, we were trying to get a cab to go to River Valley. Mingyang and David were standing in the middle of the road trying to hail three cabs. It was a very chaotic and lolzy situation. At one point, someone further down the road stole a cab we were waiting for. Amelia and Stephanie ran onto the road with Mingyang and David and began screaming, Fuck you! Fuck you! The cab started moving toward us and they all ran back to the road except Mingyang. Instead of slowing down, the cab driver accelerated when he neared Mingyang and nearly rammed him over. Even Mingyang found it funny on hindsight.

Yesterday, Bensoh won a fan and Arjun won a cooler at his cross race. I was apathetic when he told me, because I thought it was just one of those plastic fans you can open like a Geisha. BUT both the fan and the cooler were electrical! They were humongous. I was quite impressed afterward.

Joy had directed us to a shisha house, but it was closed. The sign opposite caught my eye "TALK COCK, SING SONG". Are those not two of my priorities in life!? Arjun and I made a convincing case and got everyone to go there after dinner.

There was red liquid on the stairs and a flickering naked light in the stairwell. When we rounded the stairs at the landing, there was a wall facing us with a face painted on it in red paint. Someone suggested that this might be a secret brothel. Because we are all brave crossies and brave girls, we continued climbing the stairs and came to the top, where there was a darkened glass door and ah bengs sitting inside. We were so daring we walked in and there was a pool table, more bengs who immediately stared at us unblinkingly, and a large bar. Seedy men, red paint all over the walls, a tucked away bar and all could not scare us away. It was the Chinese karaoke. We took one look at the stream of Chinese words and immediately gtfo.

Instead, Sean and Lim Jiang battled to the death in a strudel eating competition. The strudel was ginormous. Sean shouted to the waitress, "Excuse me! This is so big! How do I eat it? Bigger than Carl's Jr. How do you put it in your mouth!" And he demonstrated by lifting it up and trying to stuff it into his open mouth. The shop was so strange. They didn't have plates that were big enough to even hold the food they served so everything was overflowing out of the utensils.

I was checking out Black Milk today. The swimsuits are beautiful!

pretty pretty please

2011-02-23T23:36:00.004+08:00

Marcus: Did you hear about the foreign levy? All the maids will be rushing back home and then back now.
Me: Oh...but my maid can't read english. She can't read the newspaper, she'll never know!
Marcus: True, but maids congregate. The other maids will tell her.

Marcus speaks like a true Maria. He has the accent perfected already!

The other Marcus (Teo) also had a lucky streak during History. Mr Chirnside was so chuffed with his understanding and insights to Japanese ambitions toward China that he beamed and exclaimed, "Marcus had a good day! I'll write this in his report book. Marcus Teo is normally _____, but oh! Today, he answered correctly, he had a good day!"

*****: David, I know I'm not a hot chick, but can you at least reply my texts?
Gabriel: You've got to give him the benefit of doubt, look at the size of his tits!

Lol. To think Gabriel called me a bastard before! This is called injustice.

Celeste and I are going to be nurses tomorrow at the blood drive. We were looking through the forms, which miraculously appeared in the lockers today, and were surprised to see that the Fuhrer had volunteered to give blood. But I guess it is fitting with the communist manifesto to devote your blood and sweat to the country???

Kar Min and Joy were rather taken aback when they incorrectly heard that I was going to be injecting them for the blood withdrawal. Joy's first concern was that she would be transmitted with HIV. On the other hand, Shivam was very drawn to the prospect of a free HIV test.

Mr Chirnside: "'Ask not for whom the bell tolls'". Does anyone knows where this quote is from?"
Bensoh: Oh my god! It's a Metallica song!

He and Hamzah fist-bumped triumphantly to Mr Chirnside's bemusement.

1 more quote before I fall asleep right onto the table.

Marcus Chan: (after I tried to pay him in 5-cent coins and a candle - for convenient lighting up) Real men don't carry coins!

Goodnight!

if you think that you're the shit

2011-02-21T22:30:00.003+08:00

Today was a demoralizing day.

We were all laughing madly during chapel because Gabriel was dying of thirst and in his desperation, reached over the balustrade and just grabbed the water bottle of a randomly passing Indian. They struggled over it for a while as the Indian demanded furiously to know why Gabriel had crazily pillaged his bottle. Gabriel won. After Gabriel had sated his thirst, the Indian stomped off, looking quite shell-shocked. And a few seconds later Bensoh showed up with his huge water bottle filled to the brim.

Next the choir came up and it was a cause for incremental lolzing as immediately we spotted Marcus Teo, who can sing, run and dance. Much like Siddhartha. Ben Mok was holding his forehead in his hands and lamenting Marcus' folly. Mok is really passionate in his hatred for the choir.
We were all laughing at this dramatic irony. Who was the forerunner of choirboys, the singing champion himself?! I guess Mok has striven to redeem himself for his past atrocities by throwing hammers around the field now. Hahaha!

We also lolzed hard at what Gabriel coined as the "monoboob". It was a horrendously fitting term.

Later, Shivam, Gabriel, Celeste, Ainsley, Bchen and I were walking out of the SAC when we spotted Jesern peering at something near the art rooms. It was a black, leaping mass. Everyone began screaming badly except Celeste, whose slow reflexes caused her to look blankly around before realising a frog had just crawled over her shoe. Thus ensued a lot of madness as we tried to capture the frog. Jesern cornered it with his imposing buffness. Gabriel tried to kiap it with his wallet. Shivam began to scream mid-way through a gulp of the yoghurt drink I bought him and vomitted some of it onto my leg. He needs a paper bag like those disgusting kids with motion sickness!

Reinforcements Lim Heng and Ranny arrived. Ranny was petrified. He and Celeste sprinted away and cowered while the rest of us shouted and lolzed hard. With immense creativity, Gabriel created a makeshift net using ferns. He wrapped up the frog, which was previously squished uncomfortably in his wallet, and it looked like the Nasi Lemak Hamzah likes to eat.

It was a crazy rush up the flight of stairs. Everyone previously subjected to the spitting torture of .12 knew the dire consequences of being the last to get up to the fifth floor. Lim Heng, being lucky enough to have never experienced being spat on the head while walking upstairs, was jogging at a slower pace behind us frantic runners and nearly had a frog thrown onto his head. In the confusion, Ainsley suddenly turned around and asked me if I would kiss the frog if it could turn into a prince. He really has a beautiful mind.

When we got to class, the inhabitants were strangely hostile toward this new pet. We put it in a free locker and visitors came to open it, scream, and close it. The frog was also named Lim Heng because Shivam said it looked like Lim Heng's face.

I guess today was quite an interesting day after all. Mr Chirnside was being very funny today and ushered us to our new seats, asking me and Celeste if we wanted to sit in the non-smoking or smoking aisle. We crawled in beside Gabriel, choosing the non-smoking aisle. He ushered Phoon into the Economy Class.

While discussing piercings again I also asked Marcus Chan if I could visit him and he said yes! I can't wait; I've always wanted to know what it's like living in Doraisamy apartments. He was slightly offended though when Celeste and I referred to his home as a "dorm", "boarding school", and "Doraisamy", and made us call it a Mansionette. This led to us discussing someone else very close to our hearts, who also lived in a Mansionette. According to Marcus, who instantly added Duc Anh on FB after they met, Duc Anh writes love poems! And in English too. I must say I'm truly overflowing with excitement to read some of these literary works! That sounded insincere but I seriously am lolol.

I also forgot to write about David's amazing titular ability. Last week the boys were debating David's cup size (???) over lunch and decided to make him a test of holding things between his moobs. First they put a coin in the centre of his chest. It fell out. They put a bottle cap. It slipped away. David licked his chopstick clean and stuffed it in his cleavage. He managed to hold it there for a few seconds in a rare feat of strength and agility. Amazing stuffz.

CHINA IZ WORLD NUMBER 1

2011-02-20T00:12:00.003+08:00

I hope someone does this at our upcoming track and field meet next month. Bensoh? Y/N?

love is only in the mind

2011-02-17T21:23:00.009+08:00

I decided to bring my hair straightener/curler to school and it has provided boundless beauty to all those with adequate hair for its services and boundless entertainment to those without (just Ranny).

Ainsley displayed brilliant skills in hair-curling and the BFFs, inspired by his prodigy, are going to set up a hair salon for prom. With Jonk's numerous contacts, we'll have heaps and heaps of patrons (and money).

Everyone was very enthralled by the possibilities of suddenly having hair that goes against its natural state. I curled Gabriel's hair. Niranjan said it looked like a Japanese schoolboy. I think it was quite nice! Bchen curled Celeste's hair. She looked like a princess. Shivam straightened Jonkoh's hair. It started off looking very nice but descended into chaos when the Bullies shoved blu-tack into his well-groomed hair. David's hair could not be serviced because it was loaded with wax. Sanjev was forcibly fitted into Ainsley's hairstylist chair and his fringe was straightened. The alternative that Niranjan threatened him with was getting his arm hair crimped.

David turned around, took one look at Sanjev's new straightened fringe, and shouted: "You look like Arjun in a fat mirror!!!"

David has a new favourite response. Last year his common refrain was SHAFAKAP! Lately, he always replies our silly questions and comments with a very cynical, derisive, hostile WHAT THE HELL?!

Gabriel & Celeste: I think we should get Madam (our English Madam) a bouquet of flowers for Valentine's Day.
David: WHAT THE HELL? *wth face*

Celeste and I asked him why he is so intolerant and quick to chastise with WHAT THE HELL?! and he gave us a partly lolzed, mostly *wth face* and said WHAT THE SHIT?! Before returning to telling us about Elephantiasis.

Hmph.

Today I was reminded of the rumours of a hula-hooping CCA going around last year that my math teacher was supposed to be in charge of. Apparently she had planned on quitting tennis and organizing this extreme sport. I asked her about it and she confirmed the rumour.

Me: What would you DO in hula-hooping CCA?!
Audrey: Hula-hoop la! Of course right?
Me: Where? Around the track?!
Audrey: Everywhere! Want to join?

WHAT THE HELL?

Anyway after recess today, we were walking up the 200 flights of stairs to our classroom. Celeste and I were harmlessly chatting about food. Ainsley and Jon were harmlessly arguing ("Hate you!" "Hate you more!" "Hate you back!" "Hate you forever!" ). Suddenly, there was a sound of gruesome, monstrous rumbling. Everyone got a humongous fright. Celeste squatted on the spot silently and cowered. I screamed at the top of my lungs and tore up the stairs behind Ainsley and Jonk, who were shouting and flailing.

We raced to the top of the stairs landing and it was Shivam and Gabriel clearing their throats and pretending they were going to spit on us. We were disbelieving. I had thought the rumble was Japanese planes coming to bomb us, Jonkoh thought it was thunder, and Celeste had simply not thought at all and squatted into a ball.

Jonkoh's influence on Shivam is becoming quite obvious lately. Yesterday, Shivam picked up a pen in the shape of a tube of lipstick and said: "Is this real? Is this really lipstick?" Without waiting for an answer, he put it to his mouth and tried drawing on his lips.
Today, Jonkoh was holding two small clear pieces of pink transparent plasticky paper. Shivam leapt forward, grabbed one, and licked it. Celeste screamed. Shivam was highly embarrassed but lolzed and admitted he thought it was one of those minty sheet candy.
He is so quick to put things in his mouth lmao.

Our new PE teacher is really fun. Although he is not as easily deceived as Pouch Man, he makes interesting lessons for us. We did suicides in teams today. Hamzah and Aishah held hands immediately and formed Malay Group. The girls got to be leaders of each group and since Bensoh was not part of any of our groups, our PE teacher got him to form his own one-Bensoh team and he raced against the girls. Kar Min beat him soundly in all three rounds C:

Then we played Captain's Ball. Our PE teacher was supremely amused by our class because of the diverse range of personalities and the nonsense we got up to. At one point Ainsley was clawing at David for the ball and Mr. PE teacher called Ainsley a rugby player. He was also very very biased toward girls and kept calling fouls when actually it was fair play. I think PE will be nice this year. His verdict that we are a "laughing class" is also very true.

I realised during mass gatherings that our class is always laughing madly at any funny/unusual thing that we hear/see. Furthermore, other classes will be silent but ours is the only one just laughing and talking nonsense about _____. It could be anything from stories on Goldilocks during devotions, small Indian boys who look like they could be Sanjev's little brother, Indian girls who look like they could be Sanjev's bride, funny accents of the person reading out announcements/retarded English tips for the day. In absolutely no time at all, everyone would be in hysterics, even Mr Hee and Mr Chirnside, who were lolzing along with us during the CNY celebrations.

Today's ESS prac was a shitty situation. We were doing experiments with soil, which I have belatedly realised is shitted shit because decomposers eat everyone's shit and shit it out to form compost. For some reason, we were not allowed to wear gloves :'(
While I refused to touch the compost, some others had no such qualms. KW deviously made Phoon an irresistable deal.

KW: Phoon, if you eat a spoonful of the compost, I'll give you a dollar. OK, just a quarter of the spoon is enough.
Phoon: *inspecting it seriously* How about 1/4 for 2 dollars?
Me: 2 dollars can buy 3 kopis.
KW: For you 1/4 for 2 dollars, but Ken can eat a whole spoonful for 2 dollars.
Phoon: *gleefully* I have the most favoured nation status!

Phoon might have eaten it and said it tasted like wholewheat bread and/or sawdust. You'll never know.

The rest of ESS was spent chatting with Marcus Chan about piercings. He also told me and Ainsley about his friend who got a tattoo of koi fish leaping out of his asscrack.

On a slightly related note, Celeste and I once lied to Marcus that we complained to his dad about him not returning his plates and bullying us before. He ~~started rofling~~ started trembling like a leaf.

cut the line that ties the moon and tide

2011-02-16T22:56:00.002+08:00

wtf?

i was made for loving you

2011-02-15T20:01:00.005+08:00

Today Shivam and Gabriel were being terrible bullies to Sanjev because he had a pimple on his nose. Shivam even shouted: "It's like a BOIL dey!" Celeste and I could empathise because we both got ostracized by Shivam and Gabriel before because of similar reasons. It was quite gratifying when Gabriel himself developed a pimple a few weeks after making fun of mine mercilessly and even had to go for a facial in desperation. Lol.

So Celeste and I wrote Sanjev an anonymous note to tell him not to be discouraged by the Bullies' mean words and that pimples will go away very soon. Although our veneer of anonymity was quickly dispelled by his perceptiveness, he did say it made him feel a little bit better.

Stan and Bchen later joined in the Bullies Brigade and spent a long time fruitlessly persuading Sanjev to let them burst his pimple until Sanjev mumbled sadly: "I'm feeling quite demotivated now."

Jonkoh and Ainsley were fighting today as viciously as Israel and Palestine by knocking over each other's bottles and crumpling each other's papers.

Ainsley's crimes (written by Jonk)
- no one cares about him
- bathes in puss
- is fugly

Jonkoh's crimes (written by Ainsley)
F is for Jon
A is for Jon
T is for Jon

This is like the Nuremberg war trials.

Celeste's crimes
- whining
- screaming during TOK
- eating excessive buns

Joy's crimes
- replying Bensoh's texts faster than mine (unforgivable)
- being an OGL
- being indecisive

Amaris' crimes
- making weird nose-blowing sounds
- refusing to admit to having a swollen eye
- being indecisive

Bchen's crimes
- making my piercing infected
- going for tuition instead of refreshing for sexyKahi's new video at youtube like a true fan
- making fun of Sanjev

Bensoh's crimes
- copying Celeste's history worksheet
- trying to discuss TOK at weird and inappropriate times (e.g while rushing to PE)
- gossiping about his sister's weight to us

Gabriel's crimes
- farting
- spreading rumours
- lying

That's all I can think of for now. I'm really bored but I don't feel like doing anything.

Isaac is telling me about how his doctor gave him an injection and wrote him an MC in case he needs to go to the A&E tonight. This is sounding a bit scary and serious. He needs House.

This post is as disjointed as a badly written history essay.

a philosophical query

2011-02-12T00:45:00.002+08:00

Are Sanjev Guna and Brian Tan really living together?

5549 23619

2011-02-10T22:50:00.004+08:00

Today Sanjev was being very mad as usual and shouted "CAMBODIANS!!!!" to get the attention of a few scholars he didn't know who were walking down the stairs. He also kept laughing at a girl who he insisted had a goatee. Imagine if Sanjev and Ranny collaborate and write a book of their own. It'd be a bestseller!

I also became Banerjee's star student C: I think our relationship might be improving. She didn't even scold me and Ainsley for coming in to her class late when we'd delayed attending her lesson by asking Marcus Chan relentlessly outside if he has any tattoos. He said no but we don't believe him.

This unexplainably led to Kar Min revealing a dream she'd had of Phoon in which he was a fashion designer. Stan envisioned a line of cheongsams with crazily high slits and yellow Communist stars. House of Phoon sounds like it'd be a great success.

HURRY UP

2011-02-09T21:31:00.004+08:00

Pretty Little Liars is still at 2.6% I am dying of anticipation >8(

These are like those priceless answers to past PSLE papers. Boredom and waiting is making me very very charitable, soon I will be donating blood from my computer chair >8(

A. "I GAT NO UNIBRUW" - Niranjan pretending to be a Korean while protesting Celeste's bid to thread his eyebrows

D. "I wud date Zac Koh" - Bensoh's gay moment

E. "Siddhartha's journey of maturation was so fetch" - Joy is a Mean Girl

F. "I will dress ahpek but channel Ziken" - Joy is still a Mean Girl

G. "It's like wanting to get sent to the concentration camps like I'M A JEW I'M A JEW I HAVE CURLY HAIR AND A CIRCUM..." - David going mad while talking about history

H. "Lol I sound like a retarded gigolo" - Bchen while trying to seduce Bong Qiu Qiu

I. "I was amazed. I thought got dwarves making rosti." - Bchen and a miscommunication

J. "I was a bit into Enid Blyton at that time la. The Gold Cave. The Blue Thief. The Runaway Indian." - Niranjan and his favourite writers

K. "I imagine indians of different shades lying down on the ground to form a rainbow shape." - Celeste putting into words the abstract concept of A Rainbow of Indians

L. "I just died there then the ambulance came and took me to the hospital but they said I'm chinese so I can't stay in their hospital." - Celeste after fainting from seeing a cat

M. "My mother is like the UN. All talk no action." - Joy is still a Mean Girl

you make me wanna die

2011-02-09T21:04:00.007+08:00

Is my math port graph too simple LOL. I'm waiting desperately for Pretty Little Liars to load while trying to finish this complicated mathematical puzzle.

Jon was going absolutely crazy today in anticipation of a night of Taylor Swift. He even got his mum to iron on a patch onto his shirt so he could proudly wear an "I HEART TAYLOR SWIFT" costume.

He also prepared a beaded brush that he'd stolen from his sister and was combing his fringe enthusiastically in preparation for when Taylor Swift would pet his head at night. It was inevitably lolzed at by Niranjan and Sanjev, and when Bchen grabbed it from Jonk and tried to comb Sanjev's lustrous arm-hair with it, Sanjev jumped and screamed: "It's slimy dey! My arm hair doesn't deserve this."

Ainsley had no Taylors to look forward to because his own special Taylor Momsen isn't visiting yet, but he ended up topping the class in the planning component for our History test.

Everyone in class is sick and the ones who survived the optical gonorrhea epidemic (conjunctivitis) and pneumonia have been fatally wounded by the 2 tests we did today.

I forward to a day when we unanimously decide over a midnight mass chat that everyone is just going to sleep in the next day and go out in the afternoon, leaving Mr Chirnside disappointed but not surprised. It nearly happened last TOK day and with my powers of soothsaying I think it's going to happen quite soon...

Get well soon Teo, Ninja Joy, Kar Min, Benjamin Mok, Pregnant Amaris, Gabriel from whose mouth truth flows like diamonds, and everyone else who is sick 8(

Pretty Little Liars has only loaded 2.1% wtf

welcum to the bad girls club

2011-02-08T21:44:00.008+08:00

Me: Sue Sylvester is asexual!
Sanjev: (very shocked) Huh?! Asexual is pong pongs, angsanah, yeast, amoebas all that shit dey!

Brian Tan says
its somewhere in ur virgina
is that how u spell virgina?
vigina
no
lol i forgot

Bchen's spelling may be even more shocking than what he was trying to tell me (some info about genital piercings).

coppler coppler

2011-02-05T23:01:00.000+08:00

PS: My new favourite video!

"I AM SO FRICKIN PISSED"

2011-02-05T20:36:00.003+08:00

INTERACTIVE GAME:

Match these quotes to their makers :D

A. "I GAT NO UNIBRUW"
B. "One is not complete without both a boyfriend and a girlfriend"
C. "Tom Daley is amazing. He'll dive into your vajayjay."
D. "I wud date Zac Koh"
E. "Siddhartha's journey of maturation was so fetch"
F. "I will dress ahpek but channel Ziken"
G. "It's like wanting to get sent to the concentration camps like I'M A JEW I'M A JEW I HAVE CURLY HAIR AND A CIRCUM..."
H. "Lol I sound like a retarded gigolo"
I. "I was amazed. I thought got dwarves making rosti."
J. "I was a bit into Enid Blyton at that time la. The Gold Cave. The Blue Thief. The Runaway Indian."
K. "I imagine indians of different shades lying down on the ground to form a rainbow shape."
L. "I just died there then the ambulance came and took me to the hospital but they said I'm chinese so I can't stay in their hospital."
M. "My mother is like the UN. All talk no action."

running really fast and running out of gas

2011-02-01T20:17:00.006+08:00

I spent my day *having stomach flu*.

Yesterday, Bchen, Celeste, Sanjev and I kidnapped Bensoh's laptop and demanded a ransom of FIFA like the pirates in the video Bernie showed us. The experience which ensued caused so much lolz we nearly died lolzing. Celeste and I wanted to create ourselves as football players. Bchen put our Chinese names on our jerseys and Sanjev began rofling and exclaiming, "How the hell did you come up with these FUNNY names?!" before he realised Yee Jen and Jin Ping are the noble names our parents gave us at birth.

In the spirit of historical accuracy Bchen blessed our virtual selves with our actual heights which are too embarrassing to write.

But we decided to be a little extravagant with our looks and Celeste got a blue afro and I got yellow gloves and a green mop.

Once we were born into the world of FIFA, we decided to enrol ourselves in the magnificent team of Getafe FC, whose claims to fame include (1) arousing controversy when their ticket campaign featured Moses sacrificing himself for the team, and (2) defeating Barca 4-0 in 2006. Not BAD right?

But above it all, Celeste and I just wanted to wear the Burger King logo proudly on our jerseys. Have it your way!

Once these administrative chores were out of the way, Bchen dumped us into our first game. We were like half the height of the other players and couldn't do any headers. Sanjev shouted: "It's like 2 mice on a field!"

Our noobitry was astounding.

Celeste and I want to create our whole class in FIFA and form a team, I think we will squash Man United in no time at all.

We also had a great time imagining what Shinji from the Sound of Waves would look like and if there could be anyone in school who might look like him. There was but it's a secret (like the Pretty Little Liars theme song).

Many people also said Siddhartha would look like Arjun, and Bensoh can be his Govinda but I still believe Atin Sachan is the true manifestation of Siddhartha.

size matters eat more

2011-01-30T13:16:00.005+08:00

I am writing my English EE now with the wavering belief that 'work will set you free' :'(

Last week was a busy week. Sanjev had his arm waxed when Niranjan, Bchen, Shivam and others ganged up on him and used masking tape as makeshift waxing strips. Shivam was subjected to this excruciating experience too and made Jonkoh wail with disgust when he pasted the used waxing strips in Jonk's precious hair.

Our class CNY decorations were environmentally friendly, abstract, and brimming with school spirit. We're definitely going to win first place. On the morning of the judging, our teachers threatened to sign those people who didn't help decorate the class up for intraschool swimming. That got everyone bustling into action. We really don't like swimming as Pouch Man can testify.

The last time we tried decorating our class it consisted of a large glossy picture of Chace Crawford being pinned up. This led to internal strife between girls who loved him (Amaris and Aishah) + boys who loved him (Jonk Ainsley and Shivam) vs. Ben Mok. The class erupted into civil war because of Celeste, who gave Jonkoh the Hot Guys calendar to begin with, and had to be settled by peacemaker Mr Nigel Hee.

This time we decided to make a rabbit. Sanjev was very excitedly telling Bchen, Celeste and I about the artistic contribution he'd prepared. He showed it to us proudly. It was a crushed up red packet. We stuck it on as the rabbit's nose and it completed the figure. Celeste had the great idea of using her 125 years of ACS grandeur shirt as the rabbit's torso and I offered my PE shorts to make the bottom. Bchen gave it a crushed paper ball boner and lopsided breasts. Mr Bernard Low was very unhappy about hermaphrodites in our class decorations.

broken pomegranates

2011-01-25T21:45:00.002+08:00

Today Ainsley realized he'd never seen how he looks like without specs because when he takes them off, his eyesight isn't too clear. Jonk and I helpfully took a picture of glasses-less Ainsley. He screamed in fright and fell off the bench when he put them back on and looked upon his beautiful face.

Hamzah: If God told everyone hell was our school's fish pond, no one would ever sin again

drink more milk

2011-01-25T21:32:00.002+08:00

Sian

tonight you're my doll

2011-01-24T14:26:00.003+08:00

BCHEN AND I JUST ENTERED A CONTEST AT CLICKNETWORK.TV!

The prize is a pair of red blingy panties >:)

Please keep all appendages crossed that we win!!!

Ps. Aren't bambi and pikachu madly cute? Katy Perry is a sexy staple as always.

a tired shrimpy post

2011-01-20T22:20:00.002+08:00

Today Gabriel, Jonk, Ainsley, Shivam and I decided to ask Mr. Chirnside how mermaids mate. He said something to the extent of they obviously don't, which is why they don't exist anymore.

It was a good answer. What about birds? We asked him and he made a thoughtful face before concluding that it was an interesting question. I just googled it and am a bit shocked at my findings.

Today, Niranjan also was spanked by BenMok for pretending that a piece of eraser was an airplane that crashed into BenMok's moob complete with hearty sound effects. He was grabbed and flung over BenMok's lap, and Gabriel's textbook was used to give Niranjan a violent spanking.

Many lolzy things have happened! I loled myself breathless more times than I can remember.

burn my sweet effigy, i'm a road runner

2011-01-17T19:29:00.004+08:00

Jonkoh has a new nickname - Jealuz Jonk. He and Ainsley are constantly vying for the affections of Shivam and David and in vehement denial that they have feelings for each other, even as Ainsley is famously quoted to have admitted that "he (Jonk) understands me". Much to Chirnside's amusement.

My new PE teacher (not Pouch Man, sadly) has labelled us a "laughing class". It's accurate enough and made us lolz even when we were supposed to feel chastised? Celeste and I were ruminating today on our good fortune in ending up with everyone else that makes up 612. I really would be so sad if I hadn't been placed there. Thank you P.Soo?

I remember when I first got my class posting. The first classmate I met was Gabriel! We hi-fived. We weren't friends then although he talked to me before. Next I met Kar Min, who happened to be sitting beside me before the mass dance. Through a mutual contact we realised we were going to be classmates for the next 2 years. Then I told David we were going to be in the same class. We were from the same OG but he was rarely around. On the first day I met Celeste, who came to talk to me. She told me recently that when we first met I acted very unfriendly and cold toward her! Come to think of it, I remember being quite indifferent toward Joy too, who was trying to engage me in conversation about CCAs. LOL. WELL I'm loyal and nice when we're friends!

Today it was Anglocup anyway. It was a football competition and the girls, Ainsley and Gabriel went down to cheer on Team Ernie, which consisted of our classmates + JQ, Nic Ng, Koon Min, and Hanjie. Team Ernie won! We didn't care that it was Koon Min who scored the winning goal and he's not even from our class. Hamzah was commentating in the exact same style he has during FIFA.