I probably heard this phrase a thousand times yesterday. It was Bensoh's default response to everything that happened...which should have been captured on Lim Heng's blackmail loaded iphone, but can only be flimsily recounted by me now!
In the morning, I woke up to a text by Celeste Teo, who in the end rejected even Niran's pleas! "Terrible child" - Audrey Tay
But when I think about it now, I had a pretty good morning ^^
Then I traveled to Marina Square and discovered Bensoh and Sanjev having lunch together in the same Burger King where we had exchanged shit tales while eating previously. They were discussing golf passionately and revealed that both of them are quite good golfers! Just like Bchen, with whom they have a complicated three way relationship.
In year 5, Bchen and Bensoh were extremely close, and their intimate moments were probably what made Jarett insist that David and Shivam get rid of the precious class couch. But in year 6, their relationship unexpectedly deteriorated like Katy and Russell's. Bchen found a quick rebound in his friend Sanjev. However the love quickly blossomed and they took the big step of moving in together and talking about "quiffing".
So when Bchen found us, Niran and I were invisible to him. All he saw was Bensoh making a move on Sanjev, and aggressively stabbed Bensoh's burger with Sanjev's golf peg thingy, which has seen 18 years of mud. Bensoh retaliated by rummaging through Bchen's bag, which unexpectedly contained boxes of candy like Veggie Tales gummies.
Sanjev and Bchen also had matching beards and moustaches. Bchen looked like the Chinese rapist at Velvet and Sanjev looked like "the goat from Narnia" according to Niran.
Then we went bowling again. It was a very close fight...between Bchen and everyone else, because he was really amazing. Even the Dora lookalike that Niran spotted bowling in the neighbouring lane couldn't distract him.
Afterward we cabbed to Stan's place. More shit stories were unintentionally shared again. This time, it all started because we were talking about money -> Shivam saying he would pay Bensoh to shit in his own hands if he became a billionaire overnight -> Lim Heng saying he would pay Bensoh to let David shit on his face -> Bensoh actually contemplating this offer and saying 10,000 is not enough -> Lim Heng saying David's shit is probably hard -> Bensoh disagreeing based on one of the million theories he concocted -> Lim Heng calling David while he was buying army things to ask if his shit is hard or soft -> David saying it looks like Bensoh's face nia. Money is really the root of evil.
When we reached Stan's house, the need for censorship suddenly took over and we were given new names to preserve anonymity.
As usual, Raja, Barnabus and Hamlet were engaged in a fierce FIFA fight, leaving Frank, Xiao Ming, Ronald and Sandhanam upstairs to entertain themselves with the vast supply of beverages. Under the immoral influences of Xiao Ming and Frank, Ronald and Sandana decided to participate in a fearsome challenge of their own - doing marathon shots.
When Raja, Barnabus, Hamlet and I climbed to the roof top after becoming curious about what our companions were doing, we were astonished to see Frank pouring Ronald and Sandhanam their 15th shot each.
Goodness gracious! We cried (to that effect). W T F are you doing. Your pits are damn sweaty. Raja added to Sandhanam, who clamped his arms down defensively.
Make him go wooooo! Raise your hands up in the air, let me see all your hands in the air! Xiao Ming shouted, imitating a DJ.
The two combatants deliberated on whether or not to take the next shot. Frank cackled and poured it anyway, and Ronald took it like a crazy man. Sandhanam hesitated for a while and even attempted the expedient of waving his glass around to try and splash some out so he wouldn't have to drink so much.
Ronald: Dey don't be a pussy. Look at you. You are 80kg, I'm 72kg. You had Burger King for lunch, I had SOUP for lunch.
Sandhanam started shouting about how soup can have meat or potatoes in it and listing out the kinds of soup that can help a person tank this kind of battle better than a measly burger king fish burger.
With this kind of provocations and Frank's constant refilling, they made it through 1.5 bottles and got to 18. Ronald promptly dropped the glass at this moment and it shattered dramatically. Frank and Hamlet had to leave for a buffet, and so we said our goodbyes and promised to keep them updated on the outcome.
They seemed surprisingly fine. Oh yeah! A new character had arrived to the plot, our friend Ali, whose sensible words failed to penetrate their craziness.
It was the calm before the storm. In seconds, Sandhanam had transformed into a raging beast like The Hulk, one that was determined to smash the life out of Barnabus. Ali and I sprrrrrrrinted down the stairs, me shrieking and screaming uncontrollably all the way, until we reached Stan's bedroom and barged into it like a SWAT team. Like in those thriller movies, Xiao Ming and Barnabus bashed into the room and rapidly locked the doors while Ali and I dove into Stan's bed for cover.
A knock came at the door.
Who's there? We called out in fright. It's just me, Ronald. Said Ronald.
So Barnabus innocently opened the door, and Sandhanam burst out from behind, roaring and ready to pao Barnabus like many people often wish they could do. Ali, Xiao Ming and I took this opportunity to escape. We scrambled down the second flight of stairs, screams of OH GOD OH GOD in the air, and Barnabus and Sandhanam pounding after us.
And then...
It suddenly became 12.30am! So the rest will be written tomorrow haha. Goodnight!
I'm a bit sad thinking about tomorrow. It's probably going to be the last day I'll get to see many friends for a long time before they leave for NS. Last 2 days if you count the early hours of Saturday!
And Celeste still cannot come!!! I tried many tactics of persuasion to encourage her to say yes, but in the end she turned the tables on me with emotional blackmail! A gifted "manipulator" - Stan. After she said she was baking for her mum's birthday I felt a bit too guilty. So I asked Niran to ask Celeste hahahaha.
That makes yesterday probably the second last day, which was spent playing with Otis, trolling horny Omeglers instead of listening to JP's heartwarming guitar renditions of Christian songs, Mingyang and I FIFA stalemate, Gabriel having heart pain over Abby's injury, being illegally driven to Cold Storage, buying $180+++ worth of groceries, cooking it to excellence for Niran and Shivam's first steamboat, being unfairly accused of buying too much corn, having to eat about 3 or 4 packets of corn alone, watching David pioneer Steamboat Epic Meal Time with beef balls wrapped in beef, lolzing + being exasperated by Stan overenthusiastically dumping trays of food in at once, surgeon Gordon fixing Stan's huge balls of meat sinking into the pot, forever sleepy Leonard flinging strands of mushrooms everywhere, laughing at Stan's accents, intense wrestling match between Stan Niran and I on top of a cage, Hamza getting a little excited by Candice, realizing Hamza has been farting secretly and silently while FIFA-ing, poor Niran still unable to redeem himself in racing games, sprinting home for dinner, falling into bed, falling asleep, being awoken by texts, grumpily ignoring them and returning to hibernation, waking up to sign up for driving finally, getting registered by a lady speaking rapid and convoluted Chinese, not understanding a single word...
This is not yesterday anymore!
Ps. Celeste is caving in LOL.
Celeste: He said he's crying and very sad cause I can't go and when I said he lied he said this "Give my mum a call. She is feeding me porridge and wiping my tears away with a handkerchief"
"I already told the whole world you're going, if you don't I'll be a clown :( Could you do that to such a sweet Indian boy like me?"
HAHAHA this is what we must do to convince Celeste to go out in future. The other tactic is to promise Wild Honey for lunch/dinner.
I found something in the folder where Hamza's picture was (class pics from 2010). What's this?
IT'S A HUMAN CENTIPEDE BCHEN AND I DREW ON THE CLASS TABLES! I still remember Mr Jarett standing by my table, peering down at us and wondering why we were speading our worksheets all over the place and trying not to lolz.
Coincidentally, I just heard Bchen is coming home from the US today. Welcome home!!!
I speak as if the first thing Bchen is gonna do when he touches down is read my blog. But you never know...
I'm gonna sleep now to get ready for a day of "ang pao hunting expeditions" tomorrow, goodnight!
ps. Did you notice some alarmingly funny remarks on the tables not written by me and Bchen? Like "Jon <3 shiv Oh Yeah", "I LOVE CHEESE" (LOL) and the smiley saying "Ben Soh is so tasty!" The last one I know for sure was the work of Gabriel Fang.
Prepare to be both terrorized and tickled by the stories below!
While flying back from Bangkok, I was trying to nap on the plane. All of a sudden, I felt something tickling my arm! At first I thought it was hair, but when I finally opened my eyes...
Omg a cockroach on your computer!
Actually, a baby cockroach was frolicking on my arm.
But fortunately, I'm not scared of cockroaches so I just brushed it away HAHAHA. It scuttled to the businessman sitting behind me.
Today was a pretty ricetarded day. After lunch, Limmeng and Hamza came to my house to play with Doodle and watch "Uh Uh Siol". We ended up doing the Bad English Challenge by watching retarded Japanese gameshows on youtube and forcing ourselves not to laugh! The punishment was getting flicked on the forehead with this thick rubber band I found in my kitchen. It was so painful! And to make things worse, everytime we paused the video to mete out punitive action, it would end up with a truly retarded screenshot, causing the people who weren't even laughing to begin with to start lmaoing.
They later turned to trying to frighten me by making me play things like the Scary Maze (really very scary) and watching a real life video clip of...no spoilers! Watch it yourself and be creeped out at this unearthly hour!
We then scrolled down to look at the comments and started lmaoing again.
When it was finally time to leave for an evening of card games and moneymaking, I noticed something truly horrifying. There were scratch marks all over my chair, like a crazy cat had been let loose. However, the only thing that had come into contact with the chair that afternoon was Lim Heng's ass. We were mindboggled.
Hamza came up with two theories, one frightening and one retarded, just like the videos we watched earlier.
1. There's a ghost in my bedroom *trembles*
2. Lim Heng's ass is Wolverine
Suddenly a flash of brilliance struck him
3. A ghost is living in Lim Heng's ass
Anyway I really don't know how this happened! Because there was nothing sharp in Limmeng's pockets, and we didn't even move from the table all day.
Afterward we were walking down to 7/11, and ran into an ang moh man and lady strolling side by side. As we passed them, we distinctly heard the man say to the lady: Speaking of your ass, how's your sex life?
It was painfully hard not to start rofling!
And lastly, Hamza's hair is enormous now. But look what it was long ago:
Yesterday Niran and Limmeng really did this dance during Yuksek
It started raining so heavily at around 4! With great difficulty we escaped to Serene Macs to eat breakfast/supper, where Mingyang somehow managed to order three hashbrowns and promised to let us visit his mansion and feed his snakes over CNY :-)
But my title was quickly stolen by the underdog Hamza who led his team (Hamza Phoon Stan vs Luenell Nir Benita) to victory before dashing off to the mosque.
The turnout was unexpectedly great though with surprise Sanjev and bonus Phoon, who we all couldn't imagine bowling but was actually a natural! Celeste and I were especially delighted to have Sanjev there because Stan had told us over lunch about his intriguing dream involving Sanjev, and we wanted to see his reaction.
In the dream, he and Sanjev were dancing in Zouk. All of a sudden, Sanjev leapt to the middle of the dance floor, took off his pants, and started shitting with his characteristic cheeky smile on his face.
Celeste and I burst into laughter.
Celeste: Stan, don't you know? A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep! Stan: Frick la dey!
Sanjev was not as amused when Stan recounted his subconscious experience, but it set off a round of stories about public shitting occurences
e.g Lim Heng's primary school classmate named Kenagas (???) who repeatedly insisted nothing was wrong when her nearby peers complained of a foul smell until their teacher made her stand up and "a lump of shit fell onto the chair"
e.g The time Sherwin screamed in a school toilet, drawing the attention of by standers Lim Heng and Sanjev...to a pile of shit lying randomly right at the doorstep of a cubicle. A poor student had sprinted all the way to the toilet only to fail so close to the target. The memory was so scarring that Sanjev said he distinctly remembered it looked "mossy" while Lim Heng said it looked "like mutton". They also reported that a China scholar trod right over the shit, impervious to the warning smell, and left a trail back to class to guide people needing to use the bathroom to the correct location like breadcrumbs in the fairytale. When Niran finished lolzing he also added that the cleaner refused to clean up that horrendous mess and up til today the hardened shit trail remains a popular tourist attraction.
LOL now that I type out this nonsense we seem very retarded and sick for laughing at these people's misfortunes but Sanjev and Lim Heng were very good storytellers and they made us laugh so much Stan got a stomachache!!
Stan also had the brainwave to dress Niran up in the construction worker outfit on results day, except it was a week late. The idea was great though and he was dismayed that someone else was chosen for the interview with the newspaper instead of the brilliant Ranny, which he could have worn the costume to and pretended it was his part-time vocation! Ranny even added more depth to this idea with the idea of whipping out a picture of Sanjev for the cameras, his son in Bangladesh for whom Niran was studying for. Trolls!
Then, we watched Borat for the 10093123928th time. But it was the first time watching with a real life Luenell, who was very proud of his screen time and kept demanding for the Borat counterpart to quickly get back in the action. Afterward he said he wouldn't jome but smoked a Gold. He said he wouldn't drink anymore after his beers but gulped down a Graveyard that Celeste liberally mixed for him.
He soon started worrying about going home to suspicious parents and he anxiously asked us how he could appear innocent when he returned.
Celeste: If you drink you won't smell like smoke! Sanjev: I need to smell like...milk or some shit dei
Even though she chose supper with Bensoh over staying til sunrise with us last night!!!
While trying to find a good picture to supplement this exclamation of joy (lol), like how I made Mingyang a birthday card with this picture
...I found WOW pictures that I'd never shared! For the sole reason that I really hate using facebook. Here are my favourites:
Sometimes re-reading my archives about the fun things we did makes me lol but other times, looking at pictures of my crazy classmates doing it makes me lol harder
3pm Otter birthday cards, koi ponds with Arowana, indoor gyms, Abel: None of these boats are Partyable, 4pm pool at the most relaxing Harry's ever, riding buggys, banana battles, oily apples, sleeping on the deck, wearing bathrobes, marine litter softball style, 7pm Jizz burger, stale fish, buying salad for *salad bowl* in 7/11, Crossing the Bridge, Leonard x4 cigarettes, 11pm preggies woman sex next door, Limmeng Party Animal, poor Mingyang walking out to buy Macs on birthday, shots for nuggets, throwing security guard a filet-o-fish, fat JQ BBQ sauce everywhere, pretty girls amidst cockfest, Ferdie being very high while sober, trying to name the planets in order, name colours of rainbow challenge, Interact club, love hurts philosophical question, walking to 7/11 for bananas and spoilt light sticks, real life ghost stories, 2am racing in trolleys along the jetty, stealing bicycles, dirty sea water, breaking and entering in our own boat, breaking and entering a stranger's boat while they were inside, windows along the boat that open into the toilets, peeping tom and peeping jane, RJ Umbrella Gang, Ferdie words of wisdom: (about Abel) You can lie on his stomach. Its rocking motion will make you feel like you're on a boat, on a boat. (to Niran while talking about why Sikhs don't wear helmets) I dare you to wear a turban and get into an accident. (about Abel's stomach again) Careful if you sleep on it you might get seasick, Angeline Herladyship Yap, Nadhira Rockswoahhh, Niranjan Ranjakunalan, 1/8 Indian, Furbies, neck spasm, Ferdie syndrome, waiting for the sunrise from the roof of the yacht but dunno which side is the East, betting on where it will rise from, 4am discussion on religion, shot putting mangoes and dragonfruit, clanking sound when an apple hit the Malaysian yacht, St John's Ambulance Brigade team for wounded soldier Gordon, borrowing Sean Chu's hospital membership card, wearing eye shields from 1st Aid Kit, waking up sleeping friends, Niran about Mingyang after toothpaste and lotion facial: "cum stained Japanese whore", round two shit prank, security guard coming to ask about bikes, Niran to Damian "Are you stressed? Stressed enough to take a shit?", God's gift to us (the basket full of sugar), "Either it goes all over Mingyang or someone gets diabetes from this shit, which do you choose?", the sun rising!, running off with Abel and Mingyang asleep together, sleepy bus ride, sleepy 6-9 discounted Macs breakfast at Serene Centre, time to sleep...
Lmao talking to Joy just triggered my memory of MGS days and this is a story I have recalled.
One day during a lesson in the computer lab I was sitting a few rows away from my teacher. Our labs aren't like the naughty kid proofed mirrored labs in ACS, so he couldn't really check on what everyone was up to. Someone had just googled poems on the com I was sitting at and it linked me to a lot of retarded love poems. I decided to spam print them to the printer sitting at the teacher's table, and they began piling up on the table and flooding everywhere much to his wtfery.
At first he was very befuddled then grew quite annoyed, and started shouting "Who did this? Who is printing so many love poems?"
But I amazingly kept my laughter bottled in, scooted to another com, and some other laughing people got blamed for my crime hahaha.
When I told this to Joy, she replied that she'd done the same thing before too!!! Except with recipes for chicken sandwiches.
I had the craziest and most amazing dream last night.
In it, Joy, Gabriel, David and I found an article in the newspaper advertising for "Mr and Mrs Singapore". We unanimously decided to compete and prepared for it by going to our garden (???) to work out and tan. By the time we took the MRT to IMM where the auditions were held, the queue was so long it had reached a few blocks away!
Finally we got to the front where there was a panel of judges. I got pushed to one judge, who was Madam Kiran Kaur. I stood there nervously waiting...and she told me to tell me whether the Pound was appreciating or depreciating and who the British Prime Minister was!!! I started panicking and sweating. She gave me a nonchalant face and said this is something every Econs student learns. In a haze of terror and desperation I said "David Cameron!"
Then I abruptly woke up wtfing to myself. And I just googled "David Cameron" which actually really is the British Prime Minister LOL. But I don't think I ever knew this! I wasn't even sure when I was awake recollecting this dumb dream...
Yesterday was prom day, the dullest 2 hours I've endured since econs lessons finished. But before that, Kar Min had booked a hotel room for us and that was where Joy, Anus, Aishah, Zach Koh, Nic Lee, and I camped out before leaving. There were a lot of people staying at the same hotel, like the dancers and bros, so as Joy and I wandered around we met a lot of familiar faces and anticipated a very interesting sleepless night...which did materialize but without the company of Arjun and Celeste who ditched us very quickly! Aw man.
Like the two playful spirits we are, Joy and I immediately dumped our clothes and rushed out to Toys R Us, which was in the mall adjacent to the hotel. We went mad, especially um, me. There were Transformers toys, Thomas the Train engines, retarded stuffed hammers that play Happy Birthday when you hit someone with them, and what were either blow up dolls for giants or large dolls whose lips were made for throwing small balls with retarded bee prints into.
This joy was short-lived though because we abruptly realized it was nearing 5, and we had not showered or chioified ourselves yet! We ran back to the hotel with our bags of newly purchased toys and found Ainsley there about to wear a skin-purifying mask, the ones with slits for the eyes nose and mouth.
With Ainsley lurking in the toilet talking nonsense, trying to put ah kua make up all over my face, and taking pictures when we least expect it, simple things like wearing contact lenses became impossible. He even made Aishah lmao so hard she nearly poked her eye when she was drawing on eyeliner. Meanwhile, I was sitting on the toilet bowl letting Ainsley delicately apply Aishah's eyeshadow on me. I turned to the mirror and got the shock of my life and desperately scrubbed everything off.
When we were all dressed, we made the difficult decision to walk to St Regis instead of cabbing. And there we saw Celeste, who looked very chio in a long dark blue gown, and Amaris, whom David said looked like a part of the British Royal Family because of her black velvet gloves. I thought Nadhira looked really really chio in her cut out black dress, IMO the chioest of all the girls Gabriel and I were checking out!
After the appetizers Hamza and I were dead bored. We resorted to the primary school classic slapping game to entertain ourselves, but I was very loser cos I didn't dare to slap Hamza's hand hard. So he challenged Gabriel, who upped the stakes by turning it into a face slapping game, but would cower in a ball and giggle instead of taking the punishment everytime he lost.
Then we ate horrible chicken that was as dry as an old man's skin. At that point we could take it no longer. Gabriel and I escaped to the Tanglin Mall supermarket to buy drinks and kill time. While we sat outside Tudor Court and lepaked, he recounted stories of his trip to Langkawi with David, Abel, and Ryan which ended just that afternoon! And like Russel Brand in Arthur, he had remained drunk for 5 days straight (6 including yesterday). During this period he was beaten up constantly and made many inappropriate comments to acquaintances of varying closeness, such as what he was trying to tan on the beach. Then, we walked back to the hotel, loled at the statue of an obese woman lying on her front in a fountain, and agreed again that ang moh women have an unusual level of confidence in their overweight figures. It's okay to display obese women statues in public places but probably not, if I made a statue of a super hot naked chick and put it in Orchard Road. Another injustice like the one we would face while trying to sleep around randomly in the hotel later lolol.
We returned in time to hear Stan being announced Prom King. Woohoo! But our lively friend was having a very bad night. First, he was drained from driving for the past few days and secondly, he'd lost his phone. The last we saw him, he was asking Ainsley and I for a place to relax and destress for the night. Oh no.
Next we sang the school anthem, during which Gabriel kept talking crazily and asking me to turn to check out girls about whom he wanted to make inappropriate comments. He also loudly announced his intentions to use the bathroom to Hamza, who sat on my other side.
Gabriel: I need to piss Hamza: Piss here Gabriel: I piss in your mouth Hamza: Set la
Prom finally came to a close. I told David I couldn't believe girls and Jonks looked forward to it for so long and David just lolzed like he always does. But Jonks was having a great time. When I spoke to him, he reported that he had taken 200+ pictures so far. And it was only the start of the night! He must have 500++ right now.
Joy, Amaris and I dashed back to the hotel to pick up Ainsley's Climax and change my shoes cos I have learnt my lesson about wearing high heels out the whole night. The painful way! At St Regis, we suddenly saw Marcus! I greeted him with the "LOLOLOLOL-LOL" that he taught me and he replied the same way HAHA. Marcus was very high yesterday and even ended up jiggling Ainsley on his lap.
We then went to the post prom venue where our friends were quite stressed with running the event. Lim Heng was so stressed that Ainsley and I accompanied him to the Holiday Inn opposite to buy stuff from a lady who always gives him free bananas to help him be healthy, and lolzed at the portrait of the shopkeeper in her youth hung up on a wall.
Anyway it was a good night cos everything came free for me mwahaha. And that usually makes things pretty good! Except when people started getting really really drunk and puking everywhere and collapsing and puking more. Oh no. Arjun and I covered our eyes and ears and whimpered while David made retching sounds and hee hee hee'd and described the acrid smell of puke. These boys.
Celeste was sitting outside while the dancers went upstairs so Marcus, some other people and I kept her company by talking a lot of nonsense. He told us about how he'd finally moved to the new block, and the new inhabitant of his apartment was none other than beloved Uncle Jare! Celeste loled and told him to leave Munchie behind as a gift to Uncle Jare. Marcus was affronted and said Munchie was going with him. How would he look after Munchie while in NS though? Marcus raised his palm and imitated his dad declaring "I'll do it!" which made Celeste and I lolz thinking of Mr Chan Chee Wei bathing Munchie in his special chinchilla ash and playing all the games mentioned in the post before this. He also imitated his dad's "dafuq" face when Marcus showed up at home one night carrying a chinchilla pet.
Midway through reminiscing about Duc Anh's characteristic "Ouwhh" and his love poems, Bensoh showed up at the table looking like a zombie. He demanded extra drink coupons in a very stony voice and slumped in his chair. I was terrified he would start nosebleeding and puking simultaneously once again, but when we asked if he was okay and enjoying himself, he righteously and loudly said: "OF COURSE!"
He did not understand why we all began laughing madly. There was only 1 suitable response for such a situation and Marcus taught it to us proudly.
Step 1: cover the lower half of your face with left hand Step 2: raise right hand Step 3: flick your right hand downward at the wrist Step 4: say "naise" in a high-pitched nasal retarded voice
If we were still in school everyone would be doing it in a week! Marcus is a true trendsetter. He is the one who popularized "same", "orly", "I don't even", "Umad?", "you jelly brah?"/"jelly" for jealous and other phrases! He also created "Plim", which is Patrick's first and last name merged together. Last night I also talked to Plim for the first time in my life! Although we have math classes together where I habitually entertain Audrey with my talking cock. I still remember the first time he started using "you jelly brah"! During ESS, he kept springing it on Ainsley, compelling puzzled Ainsley to urbandictionary it. From that day on we were enlightened.
Finally 3am came around and a 50 dollar profit was made, leaving David and Lim Heng really relieved. 7heodore tested me on integration and differentiation by the road. I was reminded that doing math while feeling high is just as lousy as doing math while feeling normal. We celebrated by walking to Spize after sending Ainsley CY and Marcus off there in a cab there first. Marcus had to carry Ainsley around because he was sleepy. BUT before that I ran into Hans! He congratulated me on still being alive and asked about IB, asking if I could get a 43 like he did. High expectations!!
Then, Chairman David once again led us on a Long March to Spize. David really just likes to walk everywhere. But after a while, Marcus came over and told us Ainsley was feeling bad and puking in the toilet while gesturing and making faces to show us what Ainsley looked like. Joy and I abandoned our food heroically and ran to save him by hauling him into a cab with Chuanyang. On the cab ride, he repeatedly announced that he puked out red shit that he thought was blood but realized was semi-digested cherries.
We got to the hotel room and awkwardly woke Kar Min and Zach up from their peaceful slumber. CY and I gave Ainsley two plastic bags and a dustbin and let him curl up and recover. Then I dragged Joy and Arjun out to wander the world! But Arjun was hungry and Joy unwilling to karaoke at a seedy underground pub with me. So we instead sat in Macs until around 4.
After we returned to the hotel, Anus was feeling much better. At first, we chillaxed in the hotel lobby and talked nonsense and lolzed lazily. But it was so cold! So we ran upstairs, stripped a bed of all its sheets and comforter, and brought the covers and pillows out into the hall so as not to disturb KM and Zach with our impending orgy.
Our activities aroused the suspicions of two managers, who came over and told us to gtfo. Apparently they'd been watching us lying around outside on some hidden CCTV! Woah. We went back into the room and lay in bed for 30 minutes. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fall asleep! I curled up in the congested bed and thought about random things. Somehow, my thoughts drifted to Duc Anh and Marcus and I lolzing over his nasal "ouwhhh" that he made when Jarett poked him awake one day. I started lmaoing in bed while trying not to wake everyone up. It was the exact same thing that happened one night in WOW! CY, Anus, Joy and I were in the same bed, trying to sleep away the last 1hr before sunrise after an all nighter. Again, a random retarded thought had surfaced in my mind and made me lolz so uncontrollably and endlessly the bed shook and woke everyone despite my best efforts.
So, brimming with energy, I got up and did a bit of pilates then walked over to Macs with Joy to buy breakfast for everyone which we ate in bed ^^ We felt just like tourists, wandering around Orchard at 7am in our sleeping clothes, completely dissheveled and stuff.
Afterward, we escorted Ainsley to the pool toilet to shit so he wouldn't dirty our shared tiny toilet. Under the gentle and alluring warmth of the morning sun, Joy, Ainsley and I sat down on some comfy pool chairs and talked a bit. But it was just too comfortable and we ended up falling asleep suddenly. Only to be awoken by the same 2 managers that told us to go away earlier that morning!
They said we were not allowed to sleep by the pool :-( At first we were just stoned and said okay. Then indignance took over and Joy and I thought of this gif in unison...
We started rofling while Ainsley giggled sleepily.
Then we walked sianzly back to our room and Ainsley tried to sleep but...
We just kept on lolzing madly and uncontrollably when CY, Ainsley and I all realized we'd seen this before and IT HAD COME TRUE. LOL.
For some reason, I also told them about how my dad used to think Beauty and the Beast was Beauty and the Breast. It set off another uncontrollable bout of lolz.
Kar Min and Zach woke up and we told them 1. that they were sleeping in the same position as Anus and CY (cuddled) 2. that we felt like they were our parents, and we were their crazy and noisy kids
Then, because of the pillow and sleep problem, Joy, CY and I went home. The end! I only wrote the major uncensored things I remembered and it's already so long.
Helllloooooo I wonder if anyone even visits anymore! Even I have forgotten to write more of these retarded non-fiction tales...which is a pity because they happened in abundance - amazingly since the last few weeks we were having hardcore exams.
Anyway tomorrow is prom and post-prom day! I'm a bit worried now because I still haven't found all my prom clothes lol and I don't really wanna show myself to the world tomorrow. But prom nia.
So let me write about something much more interesting...
MUNCHIE Owner: Marcus Chan KK Colour: Grey Favourite food: Camel Nuts Last visited: After ESS paper 1! By: Anus and Benny
After the ESS students created a gigantic cloud of noise outside the examination venue by eating cereal, shouting out the stages of succession, lolzing about the dodobird's scientific name ("raphus cucullatus" - I always instinctively think of professors talking about the magnificent raphus cucullatus genus in a very sophisticated way and lmao), we went in for a 1 hour long paper where a condom-encased individual raged about Jean's calculator.
After that, the ESS students nommed in the sack and then Ainsley and I got a chance to crash Doraisamy Mansions and visit Marcus' chinchilla, Munchie! It was...the cutest pet of all our friends' famous pets.
1. Munchie 2. Otis 3. Mingyang's reptiles
For all his cuteness Munchie unfortunately had to endure our wuliao behaviour. Marcus showed us how to tickle Munchie with a piece of hay, driving him into a twitching jumping fit as he tried to bat the hay away. We ended up tickling Munchie in three directions while lolzing as he jumped around furiously. Marcus also taught us how to blow air in Munchie's face, which again made him flail in the air and try to flap our breath away HAHAHA.
However, Munchie was not totally defenceless and seemed to enjoy bullying Ainsley, much like his owner. Marcus told us to try making Munchie jump from step to step by dangling nuts a little distance in front of his twitching face. After Munchie snatched the nuts out of Ainsley's fingers successfully a few times in a row, Marcus sighed and told Ainsley kindly to stop getting owned by a chinchilla.
Munchie later let Ainsley carry him. A short while later he started to chew on Ainsley's fingernails.
With the cage open, we enticed Munchie to jump out of his cage using camel nuts. He started to explore Marcus' room and tried to clean itself by rubbing itself vigorously on the rug and then leaping in the air crazily. Munchie also nibbled on Marcus' shirt and tried to creep into Marcus' clothes closet, where Marcus said Munchie can play for hours. But he still does not know what exactly Munchie does in there.
After petting and carrying Munchie around zealously we finally let him return to his cage in peace, where he desperately tried to rub his own head clean of the dirt from our hands and demanded a bath from Marcus!
Isn't this the most wonderful pet LOL. I told Celeste she should have come, but she insisted she would be too frightened. Celeste has always told me about her animal (especially cat) phobia, which Ranny and Bchen also suffer from, and I finally saw it when we walked into a shop in Haji Lane where 2 obese cats were squatting! She just went pale and walked very very briskly and tensely out of the shop and started cursing all animals with death. Niran's phobia of animals led to a very dramatic incident some time back which I didn't see first hand! But this is how he re-told it at Stella one day:
It was a fine, sunny day at the beach. Niran and his friends were chilling at the beach. All of a sudden, a rotten monstrous dog came charging toward them. Ranny acted on his insincts and sprinted into the sea to escape, with his phone in his pocket and clothes all on. The dog thought they were playing a game and chased him right into the water. It was a very tragic day.
The laughter was broken by Leon's question.
Leon: When's your birthday? Niran: Long time ago, why? Leon: I'm gonna buy you a poodle.
Here comes the end of a retarded post about animals. Some, like Ben Mok with specific reference to Hamza, would say that all stories about people from our class are animal tales though. And hopefully many more will come especially with our 1-and-a-half-year late class trip to the zoo!
Amaris asked me to watch this and I'm very glad I did. There are lots of real life train-loving Sheldons in Singapore. The video also feels like the Noose. RC will love it.
HOW TO CREATE A TRADITIONAL INDIAN FAMILY NAME by Gabriel Fang
Step 1: Take your computer keyboard Step 2: Smash it Step 3: Close your eyes and piece together words from the disjointed letter keys Step 4: Adopt the word as your new surname
Indians are very clearly beloved by us. Today, Joy, Niran, Gabriel, Bensoh, David and I were eating at Wah Chee after getting back our results. Niran had done really well especially in Econs, doing Stella and all risk-takers proud. His mum was deeply proud of his achievements and called halfway through his meal, trying to press some kind of reward onto him.
Being busybodies, we all started asking him what his mum wanted that made him so vigorously and vehemently exclaim into his phone "Ma it's OKAY", almost like Stan's "FRICK la dey". David and Gabriel asked persistently if Mrs Ranjakunalan was rushing to buy Niran a celebratory cow. When Niran shook his head furiously they started coming up with more animals that had something loosely to do with Hinduism e.g mice.
Suddenly I had a brainwave and asked Niran if his mum was trying to betroth him like how Ranny always claims is Sanjev's fortunate fate. Niran gave me the -_- face while Gabriel hooted with laughter and he and David mercilessly started demanding to know who Niran's mum bought for Niran's wife.
At this moment we realized Joy coincidentally had just left the table a few minutes before this...to accept a phone call!! Enlightenment dawned upon us and no matter what Niranjan said, we ignored his protests that he and Joy didn't just get engaged. So he changed tactics and began projecting my marital future which was a very saddening but effective expedient.
Niran's targets range far and wide and included Leon when he and Stella signed a pact to give Leon a real Inception experience this afternoon. The agreement was for Stella to act very normally and abruptly respond to Leon with "That's crazy man!" Niran and Matthew Choo laughed very deviously and asked Stella to recount Leon's response next week.
If this part were to be characterized by a theme, it would be misbehaving Indians. So the next story is Sanjev's deception of the school librarians. He had borrowed a book on Lee Kuan Yew for his History IA which we submitted around March? April? this year. For the whole year, everyone in class who visited the library was reminded to tell Sanjev to pay. Even Mr Hee was not exempt and had to hide his face in shame for half a year and tread cautiously around the librarian's lair!
So Mr C resorted to terror and force in September by sending Sanjev forceful texts to remind him of his criminal act. When Sanjev repeatedly and sneakily ignored Mr C's texts, it came down to a great showdown today.
Mr C brandished a piece of paper that showed how Sanjev owed the library 17 dollars worth of fines for evading the librarians for about a year. Sanjev "smiled cheekily" and said something about how he was prepared to wait until the next renovation of the library and its rules on borrowing and make some "negotiations" in the meantime. Stan added some insightful comments to the situation by crying "Oh LUENELL" in a Borat voice. Mr C was exasperated but looked amused. He gave up and went to talk to Aik Leng about coming late to school for about a year, another long-lived criminal act to the school.
The most severe crime is the theft of the 6.12 holepuncher by 6.8. While waiting for P.Davies there Ainsley and I were astonished to find our holepuncher, the saviour of panicky occasions when our teachers demand the collection of files. It was so shocking that Tim Wong fainted and spent the whole period sprawled on the table making soft sounds with his mouth open on the table. Almost as shocking as the time Ainsley was asking Marcus about Munchie's sex life.
Deviating from this racial theme, Hamza, Lim Heng and I were close to grave moral downfall a few weeks back while we wasting time at Island Creamery. We were boredly checking out the photos on the wall and trying to find chio girls. There were some chio girls but not many interesting photos. The thought jolted something in my retarded brain and I suggested the many ways we could decorate it, such as...putting up pictures of Benmok before his diet? Hamza and I quickly found the picture of Benmok enjoying cheese fries in his old days and Lim Heng laughed madly and wildly. But we didn't do anything haha...except Hamza is very earnestly considering bringing a whole photo album of his childhood photos and pasting them in chronological order across a whole wall so all Island ice cream eaters will in future gaze at the 18 years life story of a retarded boy named Hamza.
Today is a good example of the intrinsic value of education because of all the retarded things that happened at school, which Joy and Gabriel missed!
At least they were around for the rest of the week, which was already very admirable and unusual. On Tuesday, Gabriel came upon a rare find that delighted him profoundly. It was a Nic______ (Nic Phoon? Nic Lee? Nic...? We'll never know ^^) knocked out in the corridors, a priceless discovery. He was stunned despite observing this sight everyday during assembly and decided to copy this individual's example and also documented the occasion with a well-taken photo. Maybe so he can save it to the person's number one day if he ever gets it :-(
At 7+++ the incompetent non-intact classes were still chillaxing outside our classrooms because we were all too lazy to get keys. Instead, we just sat all over the floor like maids in Lucky Plaza and played iassociate hehe and talked nonsense such as discussing how deeply convinced we were that because there was a storm brewing it was definitely a sign of the end of the world.
Another fine truth that emerged was JQ suddenly shouting "CHIMP" at Niran after a great LCW lecture today. When Niran turned around, ready to retaliate at this injustice, JQ then shouted loudly in the LT, "Bensoh said it! Bensoh called you a chimpanzee!" There is a very predictable ending to this story. Bensoh ended up being the one named a chimp for eternity, even by those uninvolved e.g Hamza, and everyone lived happily ever after. Sorry for this redundant tale.
If there is anything truly original to be known in this world it is Ainsley and Jonk's knowledge of geography. While cabbing to town today, Ainsley volunteered to give the cab driver the destination.
Ainsley: Uncle Taxi Uncle: Ya ah boy? Ainsley: Concorde Hotel Ainsley: The one beside the Esplanade
Jonkoh and I just stared at Ainsley for a few minutes and the taxi driver was very silent in his embarrassment at the youth of today.
Jonkoh and I: Huh? Ainsley: Yeah the one at Esplanade
After a while we started lolzing very crazily in the taxi when we realized Ainsley thought the Esplanade was the Istana, but the bus driver remained stonily quiet and also did not turn on any music. I think he anticipated Jonkoh singing along to the radio.
When the laughter died down Jonkoh spoke up again
Jonkoh: I thought the Istana is the place where we bought costumes Ainsley: OMG that's Far East Plaza Jonkoh: No...the very scary one Me: That's Mustafa
The poor cab driver was forced to endure us lolzing raucously about Jonkoh wanting to buy a kilt from the President.
Jon and Ainsley had disappeared during recess though and Celeste and I were soon wondering where they'd gone. It was all revealed when we walked out of the sack and spotted a figure in the distance screaming, jumping, and trying to throw a folded piece of paper into the air which kept flying back toward him and creating more screaming like a poverty cycle. It was actually not as autistic as it looked, because Jonkoh was actually flying paper aircraft with Amanda. However, she and Carissa were completely hidden behind a pillar so to a casual observer it looked like Jonkoh was screaming and throwing paper gleefully by himself.
Having found Jonkoh, Celeste and I walked closer to find Ainsley. He was not as flamboyant, but the moment Celeste and I identified him and Zac sitting side by side on a bench by the pond with very serious, calm expressions was a thunderous one. We could not stop laughing as we tried to explain how they looked like a couple in a park from far and...from close?
We really are very easily amused.
So is Hamza. All recess he was passionately assessing the stupidity of individual crimials he watched on a tv show about the world's most retarded criminals. One robbed a bank with a toy gun and squirted water into the teller's face when she threatened to call the police. Another tried to stage a hold-up with a hammer. There was also another who challenged the boundaries of retardedness by robbing a bank in a chicken suit. But Hamza's no. 1 was a notorious criminal who had sex with a picnic table using the hole where the picnic umbrella is supposed to stand in front of a school.
Hamza: Niran Niran: (Nomming fries) Hamza: Niran (into Niran's unblocked ear) Niran: What Hamza: Would you fuck a table
Niran made a classic -_- face and said "Never, that's the only thing worse than fucking a gay"
This is the ONE time they both came to a consensus (tables are undesirable sex partners).
And I think I should stop on this good note and end with one I found in my econs TB just now!!
Bernie: How do you calculate Consumer Price Index? Gabriel: Give a bunch of aunties a plastic bag and see how much they spend at NTUC
Today was supposed to be one of fun and laughter with Joy and Arjun and Zephr and later, Gabriel and David and Lim Heng and Emily and Gordon and more animals :'( But an angry mother has killed these dreams and turned it into an absolutely boring day of sneakily watching Masterchef behind a history book.
As a bad omen, I even had a horrible nightmare last night. In it, everyone was sitting sleepily in chapel when all of a sudden, the senior admin called Joy and I up to the stage! We got there feeling bewildered and frightened and were ordered to start singing xmas carols to the whole school. Wtf? To avoid being purged by Jiang Qing we obediently did as told. Our singing was very bad and unenthusiastic and JQ stood up in the front row and started laughing madly and shouting "shrivamuthy" or what he always teases Joy. I think that part came out of Jean telling me how JQ habitually shouts at De Zhong for his singing when De Zhong goes on stage lolol.
What a nightmare right?
But JQ has his fears too! Before the econs paper as we were all stressing out madly, Jonk began to scream even louder than usual pre-exam nerves. There was a lizard on his chair!! It crawled toward Celeste and Amaris. They started screaming too. The lizard jumped backward and sprinted around frantically while Lim Heng tried to hit it with his umbrella. Instead of killing it, he just chased it toward Ranny and JQ. To everyone's surprise and amusement they sprang to their feet and backed away furiously HAHA. Fortunately, Mini Mat (Mok Man's sidekick) swooped in and saved the day by picking it up with his bare hands and dumping it into the shrubs.
Another exam-time hero was Gabriel, who, when I was panicking before a paper, pulled out a huge flask of hot calming tea and offered me a cup. And when I had a bad gastric, he miraculously also was prepared with packets and packets of stomach painkillers and anti-farting pills which were actually very effective last year!
Ok here comes the end of a boring post. Pickchure tiem!
Quotes written in the margins that I found in my history notes while I was studying:
Mr C: The New Life Movement had campaigns like 'stop spitting, farting, talking loudly' Joy: Our class will never survive
Mr C: There were about 12000 casualties from x battle during the Long March Gabriel: They took 12000 for the team
Mr C: China performed badly in the invasian of Vietnam in 1979 Gabriel: Cuong did a good job ah
Other quotes I did not write down but remembered cos they were funny:
Hamza: I wanted to use soap as an example of a necessity during the econs paper. But then I thought of Marcus Teo and changed it to rice.
Stan (to Gabriel): What are the lyrics for Shots?
This week began with a massacre of econs & math but had a very fun ending! And tomorrow (- Bchen, Sanjev, Yos and other HL math smartypants) will be the end of exam woots woots. I wish we'd finished last Friday so tonight we could all be watching Linkinpark (with Cuong the ultimate LP fan) instead of sitting here typing this very very boredly and sleepily.
After the horror of math on Thursday, David, Hamza, Lim Heng and I decided to go to Adam to nom. But Lim Heng's Physics paper was going to end 2 hours after we were let out of math! So here is how we amazingly amused ourselves for 2 whole hours
1. Rubbing Niranjan's head while Hamza repeatedly commented that it felt like a cat, one of Niran's hated animals 2. Asking if Ryan Wee is part of a Malayian triad 3. Lying down on the bench and stoning 4. Being urged by David to choke him 5. Massaging David by taking off shoes and walking up and down his back (Hamza did it) 6. Helicoptering Hamza around on David's shoulders
And somehow, 2 hours passed while we were doing these retarded things. After Lim Heng had finished his paper we 74ed down to Adam while Hamza shared gratuitously personal stories about marathon masturbation that left us all stunned + mimicking Stan acting out scenes from "eat da poo poo", which Stan always starts shouting out in econs everytime some African nation/African economic crisis/African-sounding word is mentioned by Bernie.
It was a very fattening 3-course afternoon that started with famous Nasi Lemak, then sheep tongue soup, then sheep BRAIN soup, then bone marrow in red food colouring, then island creamery Apple Pie and Cookies and Cream ice cream! It was quite a life-changing experience eating a sheep's brain while Lim Heng exclaimed very loudly and enthusiastically about the white and grey matter that started to show up when a piece fell out of the soup and dried on the table. Sheep's brain actually tastes like tofu...I wonder what Amaris the vegetarian would say about that!
The bone marrow came a while later and it was really just a humongous platter of shattered sheep (??) bones covered in cabbage and red food colouring. Hamza, David and Lim Heng went wild sucking at the bones and giggling. Hamza, the veteran tulang eater, was showing off some skills to get the marrow all out in one go and splattered the sauce pornographically all over his shirt. His hands were completely red from the dye too and Hamza declared that the level of redness is a marker of your tulang eating vigour with mine being the noobiest (only two red fingers).
Lolol so how? Will you join us this week for round 2?
On Friday it was Avalon day! With lots of Stalin-style cunning and trickery, I snuck out of the house to go watch Congorock and M.A.N.D.Y and Toxic Avengers and Gabriel shrieking and rummaging through potted plants...but wait! Joy was supposed to come too. Unfortunately, she had fallen down in the middle of some mysterious strenous activity earlier in the week. (Lolol while typing and wondering what midnight exercise Joy could have been doing that I suddenly thought of "climbin in your windows, snatching your people up")
TBC I went to listen to the Bed Intruder song and Youtube is too addictive to stop!
PSPS. Thanks x1209120219831 for being a good friend and stopping me when I wanted to meet my curfew ^^ I am grateful now despite my allnighter whiny worrying hehe
PSPSPS. I also remembered how Stan, David, Arjun and I ran into LCW, Gabriel's favourite and Jonk's and Joy's deeply disliked math teacher late at night outside the MBS area. He gave us a suspicious one over and sniffed David while we gave him hee hee faces. After commenting on the unique smell coming from David, he turned his attention to Arjun and asked if he was ready for the math paper 2 days later. Stan immediately shouted in the mrt station: "Sir he's been ready even before IB. For him the exams ended when they began!"
But as we parted, Stan's skepticism was revealed and he decided to test Arjun with some crafty calculus questions.
Stan: Differentiate 2x^3 Arjun: 8x^2 Stan: Woah yeah you still have it
It took them both a few minutes of walking to realise the truth of the matter. But in the end Arjun said he only didn't know how to do 1 question in the whole paper -_- He's definitely going to be a Brands Chicken Essence star next year
Today began on a truly retarded note as Celeste discovered how she and Ranny had an identical wassant breakfast...only they were packaged completely different. Because Celeste's was as always inside a Rilakuma box, the nostrilled chick box this time! Niran was very intrigued and eagerly asked where it came from. Celeste launched into a detailed explanation on how to purchase Rilakuma lunchboxes from Isetan before realizing Ranny was interested in the bread and not lunchboxes of a chicken with flared nostrils that would make him look like "a complete moron" if he carried one strolling down the corridors to the SAC. Niran is always very amused by Rilakuma because the first time Celeste introduced it to him, her voice went through his hearing-deficient ear and into his brain as "Kiran...Kumar?" He started rofling as anyone would if someone told them a they had Kiran Kumar printed on their lunchbox.
These words of wisdom made me think of his rant about Sanjev during the chem exam which he shared with us at the bus stop after running into Sanjev's fake father (the sec school Indian teacher). Niran was having a bit of good luck and foresaw a lepak future in high-risk stocks playing, because the only 2 chapters of chem he riskily didn't fug for didn't come out! So he was chillaxing and answering questions happily when he heard a fart.
He looked to his right. Sanjev looked back at him and gave him a "cheeky smile". In that instant Ranny knew deep in his heart who the culprit was. A few moments later, Sanjev was apparently crumpling up paper to create ambient distraction noise. Ranny then knew with utmost certainty Sanjev was guilty of doing it again, and was relieved the blasting air-con in the hall was enough to help him avoid smelling anything suspicious.
Celeste had more funny tales of our interesting classmate to share. Today, she was telling me about how she, Stan, Bchen and Sanjev had lunch before and Sanjev was recounting the nuances of Hinduism to them all. He had a very logical approach to his religion and couldn't stop stressing how there is a Hindu elephant god that rides around on a "small tiny mouse". To add to his point, Sanjev cited how he once watched a tv show featuring these gods. Suddenly, amongst the many gods, Jesus appeared. Celeste, Stan, and Bchen gained many insights to Hinduism that day and Celeste went to wiki what Sanjev was talking about. There really really is an elephant god that travels on a mouse.
Living with Sanjev has made Bchen very perceptive to his house mate's beliefs. Yesterday before going in for History, Bchen declared that he worries Sanjev will beat him in the exam. He then cackled evilly and said he already thought of a plan to defeat Sanjev. It is to taint Sanjev's food with beef before the IB real deal. Bchen anticipates that Sanjev's gods will curse him for eating beef and make him fail his exams.
Religious misfortune struck Hamzah too. After attending prayers at his mosque, he emerged to find that his shoes had been "borrowed". Hamzah was forced to go home barefoot. This fate could have been Gabriel's too. After we came out of Hamzah's house a while ago, Gabriel's slippers were missing! He searched the many pairs of shoes but they were simply gone. All of a sudden, he spotted them! They were being worn by one of Hamzah's relatives. Gabriel managed to get them back, but was asked why he never wrote his name on them.
Another interesting relative of Hamza's is his brother, who Hamza said has become a real ladies man, making Hamza deeply jealous. "What does he have that I don't?!" He cried. "Fats" I said and that was the correct answer. Hamza's pervy face melted onto his face as he thought of Mokman, but quickly clarified that Mok isn't that type. TOO QUICKLY. What came out was...
"Mok is a one-man lady dey"
Celeste and I laughed madly and looked around to find Mok, but he was nowhere to be seen. We speculated that he was studying for Bio. But much later, we realized it's Mok's birthday today! Happy birthday Mokman! I will definitely be drawing you a Mokman comic after prelims! Actually, I was reading my archives one day and saw a post where Hamza said that one day Mok would be slim and all the Mokman jokes will forever end.
It looks like these are the prophecized days. Once, we were crowding into the lift after Stella. Suddenly, an unknown figure slipped through the narrow, closing gap of the lift doors. Halfway down the elevator ride, Leon shouted that he didn't even recognize that it was Mok until a few seconds later (that moment).
LMAO and just a few minutes before this happened at the lift lobby, someone said something like "up or down?", referring to the lift. But I looked at Bensoh and started laughing madly, thinking about that particular incident. Sadly no one else laughed with me :-(
Returning to the theme of farting, it was also noted by Ranny that Gabriel is the true ultimate farter. Once the topic was broached, all our collective tales on Gabriel's habit began spilling out. CY reminisced upon how Gabriel farted repeatedly in the quiet library multiple times while studying history. I recalled how Gabriel once farted in front of a certain member of the senior admin population. This was a story Ranny was familiar with and he shook his head emotionally. He then remarked that Gabriel is "an animal". A few seconds later, Celeste and I were still laughing about it and asked Ranny how he could come up with these crazy but apt aphorisms about the world. He was shocked and swore he genuinely couldn't even remember saying them.
Niran, do you remember what you said about B.W before history?! It was sincerely hilarious. His rant was passionate and invigorated like a Hitler rally. Matthew Choo and I were Ranny's audience as he went on and on about how he hated this individual from Stella for his supernatural mugging. First Ranny said he hated him. Then, how he must have started studying for IB since Sec 3. Then, how this character probably tumbled out of the womb with a book in hand. Ranny could really be Hitler, who he professed could have been a cool guy if he didn't go ahead with the Holocaust.
His rant fluctuated between hating muggertoads and hating his ACS sweater. He bought it for IOC because his teacher had repeatedly told him how cold it would be. And it's always wise to trust a rabbi right? But peeling the sweater off left a woolly coating of blue lint on himself. He was infuriated and put his sweater on again, torn between the sweltering heat and looking like a linty blue moron. In the end he succumbed to the second option since only Matthew Choo, Shivam and I were there.
!!!
This has reminded me of a despicable creature. This particular bench by the Astroturf is the habitat of a retarded fly. Yesterday, it was buzzing around Aishah persistently. It's not even like a normal fly but keeps flying SO CLOSE. Today, Celeste and I studied at the same spot and it was at it again! Little CB! Ziken walked past us as we were flailing and screaming and trying to kill it, and tried to hide his laughter. He was as unsuccessful as our murder attempts. We decided to find lebensraum and moved away. Stupid fly.
There, Celeste and I had a 70 20 10 approach like Mao. 70% studying 20% laughing and talking nonsense 10% going to the toilet and refilling water to take a break from fugging. She reminded me of her retarded dream that had very realistic origins. Bernie is a big fan of emailing our econs classes interesting articles he finds online and expects us to read them. Celeste had just gotten one of these emails and instead of dutifully reading it, she flipped her BB over and went to nap. She became a veritable Alice Tan in Wonderland with her surreal dream.
It was an IOC setting. Bernie was inside a room and called us all in groups. What could this be about? To cut a long story succintly short, he asked our class to do splits and calculated how many people it would take for our legs to be equal to the perimeters of the room.
Celeste woke up very puzzled because nothing made sense at all. Then she realized her brain had created a very extreme interpretation of Bernie's email, which was actually to tell us to meet in the Department Room to settle admin stuff.
I have not written about IOC! It was such a relief. And a miracle! I went in, picked an envelope, and got GOUGING OF THE EYE, which David and Niran also picked. I was having a terrible sore throat during IOC like Niran and was so worried one of our IOC nightmares would come true. Joy's latest one had involved all of us going into IOC shivering in tank tops, the designated exam attire. It was pretty wild.
I went in and...no nightmare happened! It went well. Gouging of the eye was the exact scene I'd wanted! Right from the start of preparing for IOCs. Haha I definitely did something right for this good luck to come by way. Everyone did well ^^ so who knew, all the reports that IOC was nothing to worry about were partially valid.
Anyway back to studying in the afternoon...we were concentrating hard when a boy's phone began to ring. His ringtone was the defeaning sound of some Chinese New Year song. We just died laughing (but covertly).
Time passed slower than...I wanted to type Bensoh lolol but it's not true, Bensoh's actually not slow. Celeste and I decided to waste some time by talking about our Home Ec lessons in our sec schools. They were so fun!!! I was Amaris' partner and with her skills and my...provision of fresh produce we made really yummy food. The introspection borne from today's discussion made me realize our Home Ec exam was like a small Masterchef themed invention test. Amaris and I got the "Mexican" theme and we cooked burritos, pumpkin and cream cheese cupcakes, and something else I kind of forgot. I designed the menu by hand! We got great grades but didn't get to cook off against a celebrity chef.
Celeste and I also had an intense discussion on scholars, which she sparked off when she said Shreyas and Shil Ghosh are scholars (???). I said, definitely not. She said, I insist. Dear friends, I hope if you're reading this you won't be telling these people about our nonsensical hypotheses leh! Because...we moved from Celeste saying she just got the impression from their appearances (???) to what we pictured them as in future. Celeste said Shreyas would be a chef. I said Shreyas would be a banker. We both agreed Ghosh looked very salesmanly. We also as a side note agreed Gabriel could be a great pastor, which is what he always says he will be when confronted with bad results.
Speaking of scholars, Celeste told me a very funny story about Marcus, who also lives in Doraisamy mansions. Before teachers' day, Celeste gave him a bar of chocolate to thank him for teaching her how to add subtitles to torrented shows. The next day, he reported that he ate it for his lunch. Celeste asked why he didn't ask his neighbours for food. Marcus replied that it was because his neighbour was Mr Shaun Choo. Being a bit deaf and a bit mad, like most people in 6.12, I said: Huh? You mean the boy in our econs class who's always sleeping?
Celeste lolzed until she couldn't correct me for a while. I was talking about the Shaun who plays squash very pro-ly while she was talking about the year director. We started wondering who would be very funny to ask for lunch. It was a unanimous decision that the person would be Oja, especially after I remembered Hamza's tales involving Oja, spear-fishing, and our school pond. LOL.
On another note, Marcus, Stan and CY lately have been flinging random items from the rubbish bin in 6.18 at the bee hive in the tree nearby and then quickly slamming the window shut. One day, these three people might get swarmed by bees and it will be a very sad incident but one that we will probably laugh very badly at.
Conclusively, the wildlife in our school is teeming. Nirmz once told us how she often sees 2 kingfishers flying around. One of them is prone to flying into the building repeatedly, which she speculated was a mating ritual (???). I was telling Celeste about this and she asked where they get the fish from. That's true right! Who would eat from the school pond? Other than...
Omg this post is extremely long! With the note that Nirmz is an avid birdwatcher, it shall end nao. Goodnight, happy birthday Mokman!
P.S. LISTEN TO THE GENERATIONALS. I listentothem everyday now and Actor-Caster is just priceless C:
But I bet no one will really listen to them just like when you all don't watch Numbnutz until I beg RC to play it during English class :-( I swear if anyone listens to this you will NOT regret it!!!
Just now Ainsley and I overheard two ang moh women opposite the OC bus stop gesticulating and talking in a foreign language extremely animatedly. He started lolzing and whispered that they sounded like Sims. LOL. But it was the truest thing I've ever heard.
And I just found Bad Girls Club Season 7 ep 6 woots woots. It's amazing you know! In this ep 2 girls sex up 2 guys whose names they never find out for the whole duration of the ep...so they decide to name them!!! One of the mystery hook ups called Fontino was re-named Carlos. It was an improvement.
I just found a post from how long ago! All I wanted to do was quickly write about how last night when I was extremely sleepy Bchen texted me to say he asked Sanjev to 'quiff' (typo of queeve) and I found this! I read the message many times and when I realized that really was what he meant, their friendship was redefined in my eyes. Anw this is what happened years and years ago:
Happy teachers day! Yesterday was the grand celebration in school and ACES day right before! Bensoh was very curious about what ACES could possibly stand for and when Celeste enthusiastically exclaimed "All Children Exercising Simultaneously!", Bensoh was astonished and refused to believe such a retarded exercise existed. But it did...
Afterward, we headed to the auditorium where it was free seating. Disorder quickly followed without any teachers sitting by us and crazy Lim Heng sitting with an even crazier Ranny. Before the celebrations even started, these two were having an unsilent auction as they tried to bribe Sanjev into sitting on Cuong's lap. When they reached 30 dollars, Shivam stepped in and shouted "Let ME sit on Cuong's lap".
It was a glimpse into a brave new world as without Mr C to bombard us with threats of sitting on the aisles pinching our own ears as punishment, Ranny went wild and his comments went unrestrained. As the principal began his devotions, saying "I thank you all [teachers] for your...", Ranny exclaimed in a similar tone, raising his palms, "Sir I thank you for Yos la"
He then went on to lolz at the choir, the boarding school students dance, and definitely the senior admin.
Ranny has an incredible ability to make fun of anything, even impoverished people on kiva.com, a site which Berny asked us to check out because it facilitated micro-lending which we were studying in Developmental Econs. Celeste and I were surprised to see Hamzah and Niran poring over the site one day and it turned out they were typing our friends' names into the system and laughing at LEDC versions of ourselves, like Filipino Celeste and Indonesian Benita. They were also especially unforgiving of overweight kiva users who were asking for more food. Celeste and I just died laughing as Ranny gave a commentary on all the photos and requests on the site. We looked at it until it refused to continue loading. But Berny will be very happy to know that we actually take his recommendations to heart.
This teachers day, I made Mr C a card with a Hokusai print and behind it, I wrote heaps of funny quotes he made in class. Mr C was very amused and later said it made him glad that our class was robust enough to take the insults he dished out.
We have had great training by Uncle Jare of last year! Bchen reminded me of how some people from our class shared a tigger float for Singapore's last line of defence previously. He then hypothesized, "Imagine if you're looking out at the school swimming pool and see Jarett floating there alone". I immediately thought of Mao in the Yangtze and burst into lolz. Yos, please look out for such a grand sight!!
This week has been full of holidays. On Tuesday, Ranny, Gabriel, Shivam, Stan, Phoon, David and I went to Hamzah's house to pay him a Hari Raya visit. Celeste too was supposed to go, but she chose sleep and Curvy Mervy's essay over great company and delicious Hari Raya noms :-(
I took the bus up to Bukit Batok and to my astonishment, Hamzah's house was just a few blocks from Rachel's!!! So I forced Rachel to come out and meet me with chips hehe, disrupting her from her intense Bio mugging. She chastised me for taking advantage of her inability to say no, just like her brother. 2 weeks before prelims, we went to explore the jungle opposite her apartment. It was full of weeds and insects.
After David called, I finally found Hamzah in the dense jungle of flats. We went up to his place and everyone was already there, playing games on Hamzah's xbox under the supervision of his very funny brother, who Hamzah always describes as being obese but actually is not!
He had rather interesting tales to tell us, such as how Hamzah was shaving in the morning and decided to use an unknown pink shaver to get rid of his moustache. It was only later that he discovered this shaver was specifically used by his mum to shave armpits...
These were the kind of personal stories the two Bin Zaids amused their guests with. Hamzah's mum had great cooking skillz, and everyone ate madly except for Gabriel who was nomming some kind of curry happily until Hamzah informed him that it was made of "spare cow parts".
Another kewl feature of Hamzah's house was the huge 3d TV in the living room. It was truly amazing and the 3d effect when you wear the glasses makes anything worth watching, even the absolutely boring documentary on dinosaurs playing at the time. In Hamzah's words, even a clip of a helicopter flying could become very mind-blowing.
After lunch everyone went back to Hamzah's study and while Gabriel watched Dream High, his addiction, the other boys found a racing game where Niran's 17 horsepower Fiat became an object of enormous lolz.
Here's where I stopped writing last time. Lately I've become a Masterchef addict and watched 9 old eps yesterday. It's terrible! Now I understand why Celeste has to rush home and watch the show no matter how heavy the workload that night. I was so bored yesterday that I started thinking of pressure tests to subject my maid to so I can help her improve her standards of cooking. Maybe the 'fix the flawed bolognaise' challenge with curry instead. That challenge seems suitable for Joy's maid too, who only knows how to cook curry.
Did you read the news about the Pinoy crocodile? It's just amazing! LOOK! I'm definitely going to risk being a terrorized HK visitor to go there one day and look at him.
IOC IS COMING. How is it that everyone says it went really good and everything was OK? I think about it and my heart fills with dread. It seems as if I'm not the only one with these traumatic IOC dreams either!
As a testament to my bad hearing, I was corrected this morning by Joy who told me I misheard her IOC nightmare and created a whole new retarded story! In actuality, she dreamt that her examiner, the security guard, went to the toilet and she took advantage of this opportunity to look in the envelopes, which were ALL Apple-picking! She had definitely had too much of Apple Picking...
This dream is comparable to Celeste's nightmare, which was that she and Steph were in the IOC room, which was presided over by the class enemy of dance, CBT. Because the printer had failed, they were forced to use yearbooks which CBT claimed contained the extracts! Celeste flipped madly through the yearbooks and became Spencer from PLL but she neither found what NAT meant nor any extracts! CBT became very, very annoyed. Steph was not understanding either and Celeste woke up with a stomachache and a deep sense of gloom.
Jon was not exempt from these IOC nightmares and being Jonk, his dream was even wilder than all of ours combined. In the surreal world of Jonk's mind, he was being examined by Paul Tan who offered him Julius Caesar extracts in poem form! When he failed to annotate them, Paul started scolding him...through his nose...
Lastly and perhaps most saddeningly, Bchen also admitted not knowing what exactly the nightmare featured, but he once woke up mumbling "Jacques D'Odan".
Just look what IOC has done to all of us :'(
In fact, the theme of madness has spread so virulently that Marcus is its newest and most severe victim. In the 1.5 years that I've known Marcus he was always quite subdued in his madness and would often eyeroll and "UMAD?" us when we talk nonsense. But how the tides have turned! Just yesterday he began trilling in an opera tone, "LOLOLOLOL-LOLLLLL". If you have not heard it, think of those men in white wigs, fat women holding glasses with their mouths pursed, and Marcus' "umad" face. That's what I felt when I heard it. He was also googling "genro" which Mr C was teaching about and told him, much to Mr C's facepalms, that it is a kind of dragon age computer game.
Now I am too distracted by Numbnutz to blog properly this shall end as abruptly as the video screened at the Ministerial Dialogue where I thankfully had Ranny Joy and Hamzah to lolz with. Goodnight! Watch Numbnutz too lovvveeeessssssssssss.
Omg speaking of Hutch, Rachel and her brother Kevin ran into Hutch a few Saturday nights ago at Scape! The most painful part about hearing her account was that she'd asked me to go and...I SAID NO. Hutch was really kewl and offered them a beer and advice on movies. He shook Rachel's hand!!! And shame on Singaporeans for not recognizing this amazing individual. Rachel said Hutch was free to walk around to have a smoke without being recognized. Y_Y
Today, Gabriel was unfortunately hit in the eye with a facial of karma. His torment is really shaping up to be a didactic tale warning young liars and bullies of becoming victims one day should they carry on their mischief.
In his fury he plotted revenge against friends who had been downgraded to acquaintances for the time being. Raging at the back of the class between David and I, he began to rant about how he was going to fling 2 dollar notes and coins at Mr Lame Heng. When we tried to control our laughter at Gabriel's funny schemes, he explained the logic behind them as "Money is the root of all evil".
Hopefully his ordeal will vanish into the unknown soon enough and no poems shall be written about him by vindictive poets.
Lately Marcus has also been very funny. Umad? Yesterday, he was trying to make up his mind on whether or not to pon P.Davies' remedial. While we were eating and being indecisive Celeste decided to go home. Marcus suddenly sat upright and shouted very seriously, "BO JIO!" while looking threatening.
Celeste stood up to this one of the many bullies in our midst and said "You wan go home ah?"
Marcus squared up to her and in a high voice started shouting the same thing back, over and over!!! "You wan go home ah?" x129103 until Celeste was speechless and lolzed uncontrollably.
Then he went off with Patrick and Shivam to the backyard of NTUC and got even higher than he already was.
And it's Hamzah's birthday too! Happy birthday, you are a really interesting and kewl classmate and friend! Hamzah is extraordinarily pervy and has done perverse things everywhere from his tuition centre to the NCC room. Just yesterday, he and Phoon were having a very loud and hearty laugh over the misfortunes of "micropenis" owners as they inspected pictures of this phenomenon on his phone. And at random but timely intervals, they would hoot "Marcus Teo!" sending Mok Man into chuckles and distracting him even as he sat at the front of the class.
Hamzah is also a war history genius. I have never met anyone with such deep interest and knowledge of these things! Once, I asked him for advice on an essay question and instantly, off the top of his head, he texted me "Germans have always expanded outward since the cimbrii invasion of northern italy in 200bc. that's a good starting sentence"
I was mindboggled at his amazing memory and knowledge and from that moment on I have never met anyone as pro as him in history.
Speaking of Hamzah, Marcus, and Phoon, Ainsley brought Celeste and I on a tour to the old Sec School block today where these people had very wild and exciting times. He recounted how they once lit a candle and sprayed it with deodorant until everything burst into flames. Wow!!!
We were there to drop Jonkoh off so he could get his hair cut. Gabriel, ever the bully, was looking forward to seeing Jonkoh sheared. He grabbed Jonks and took three shots in three angles so he could make a before-after collage and laugh at it (typing this really makes me realize how we are always laughing at dumb things...hehehe). We went to the barber and started laughing at the pictures outside featuring models with retarded expressions. We pretended Jonks was going for his ANTM makeover and told him Tyra had chosen a baldness makeover for him + bleached eyebrows.
Jonks was extremely worried and got pretty high too. When he dropped crumbs onto the floor, he screamed "Oh no! I killer litter!" and when Celeste started laughing at him, Jonks made an affronted face and pointed at her, saying "Why you laugh? I could have murdered an ant okay?"
While Jonks had his hair cut, Ainsley took Celeste and I on an exclusive tour from Eustacia's home to the cavernous boys' toilets which Ainsley said were really conducive for shitting, unlike the weird squat toilets in the new block. We went to the Dr Ong Hill and came face to face with what Jonks called bouqets of fresh bougainvillea.
Bougainvillea is something we always laugh at because once, while going to town, Ainsley pointed at a bush of them and said "Look at this. I think we pluck some for Celeste and give her after her FOA." Jonkoh replied, "Ooh. Bougaindilla."
This made us laugh a lot...yeah we are very easily amused :-(
Worst of all up til this day I misheard what Jonkoh said and thought HE had misheard it as "bougainzilla" and when I confessed to Ainsley today it set off more lolz.
This is why we always laugh very madly when we're talking.
I hope tomorrow will be a good day but I have bad feelings about it. After all, tomorrow we will be faced with a "bombardment of Berny". My heart sank just typing those words out. Tomorrow also marks the first day of my hardcore IOC studying (not doing any other subject) and I have negotiated a great deal with Arjun for his used Uncle Tony IOC book. He bought it for 12 dollars. I am buying it from him for 1 dollar. He hence earns a profit of 20 dollars. Math SL ftw :-)
And IOC, fol! Joy and I realised just how worried we are about it when we confessed our IOC nightmares to each other. Mine was that our school decided to move the IOC venue to a shopping mall. That was pretty ok. Tragedy struck when I forgot my index number and was shopping when I bumped into David and Gabriel. Then I realised I had missed my IOC and started panicking, crying, and being laughed at by the two bullies. Then I woke up with a palpitating heart.
Joy's nightmare, just as frightening, was that she had just entered the examination room only to find that her examiner was the school security guard. She claimed needing to go to the toilet, and planned on cheating in there by doing some hasty revision. She opened her orange poetry book and...every passage inside had turned into After Apple Picking! She woke up in cold sweat. Very apt isn't it?! Definitely load on load of apples coming in.
To avoid this happening I think I should study now. How dedicated am I?! I am dutifully inscribing something everyday :-) I want to be able to look back on August of 2011 and laugh at all the fun things we did.
It got off to an awesome start because of the ultra ah beng directing the sec school boys in rearranging tables. I love ah bengs! Sometimes I really regret not going to Poly where there is no lack of ah bengs with extremely intriguing ideas as Joy, Mingyang and I discovered on a 74 home one day as we unintentionally eavesdropped on a prominent beng very gravely explaining how Rihanna's Good Girls Gone Bad is a sign that she is part of the Illuminati and how Michael Jackson was murdered because he turned Muslim...
Huh?
I decided to tell Hamzah and 7heodore, the biggest Illuminati experts I know, about this surreal experience that left Joy and I breathless from giggling. And they completely agreed with everything the ah beng said!!!
HUH?
I must say it really takes a special kind of person to believe in such things. But anyway, my love for ah bengs knows no bounds. Just like our love for Uncle Jare, who we were delighted to hear presenting about the Army exhibition on Friday!
Listening to him talk about army weaponry ("you can wear the goggles, but don't go around with it too long or you'll get a headache" "the guns have no bullets so you can't shoot your teacher") and army rations ("eat as much as you like. i heard they have unlimited supply. so if you have no pocket money just go there and eat, but don't da pao") brought back heartwarming memories of 2010...
Uncle Jare munching chocolate pocky on the OCS field trip...Uncle Jare's history quizzes to which we gave all kinds of retarded answers...Uncle Jare's special bond with Duc Anh...Bchen grabbing Uncle Jare's upper left chest...David hugging Uncle Jare around his waist...
It was a nice morning. We then went down to eat during the math period. Midway through a normal breakfast filled with tiny bits of lolz, Shivam asked us if we would have anal sex with a black man for a billion dollars. I could not help wondering if this is what other people discuss on a day to day basis during lunch too. It was a short-lived thought because I was soon forced to contemplate the question seriously.
Gabriel's answer was no. David's was no, because he would then have to spend half a billion fixing his "physical anus" and the other half healing his fragile "emotional anus". Stan said no too because "then I would be thinking of his dick all the time. say I buy an island. I'll just be sitting on it thinking of black dick". Bensoh ate his off-putting fried fish quietly and refused to answer. After a lot of persuasion he offered a typical Bensoh style philosophical quote "Money can't buy you happiness". I said "maybe" which Shivam instantly said means yes. Shivam instantly said yes. He should think twice about calling Jon a "faggot" in future.
After Gabriel and Shivam bought apples (trying belatedly to lead a healthy lifestyle) Shivam began munching enthusiastically and suddenly said if he had a billion dollars he would buy Bensoh and make Bensoh shit in his own hands for the lolz. Gabriel laughed like mad and started coughing as he choked on his apple.
Ainsley and I decided to give Shivam a brain teaser of our own. We asked him if he would have sex with an obese lady with cobwebs, roaches, and pus around her vajay. Moreover, she would hypothetically possess the fragrant scent of a fish market. Shivam said yes as long as she carried no STDs. LOL!
Jon and Ainsley have also been getting quite crazy while studying Lear. They discovered the phrase "oh no, tis foul" and have been striving to use it in very creative scenarios. One situation which amused them deeply was standing outside an occupied cubicle and startling the person inside by reciting "oh no, tis foul" and thus making them self-conscious.
Last Saturday and Friday was Celeste's FOA! She looked very chio especially in the Jazz item. Ainsley still missed her CNY dance though in which she performed very radical dance moves. Last year, she failed to spot Niranjan sitting betweeen David and I who were very visible to her. He was a bit -_- but bragged about his ability to blend into the darkness.
And today is Isaac's birthday! During chapel Alex turned to me from a few rows in front and mouthed "meet in my class after this". With my incurable deafness, I failed to hear it/misheard it as something nonsensical. Alex ended up shouting "MEET IN MY CLASS AFTER THIS" while Isaac was right beside him! It was no surprise that Isaac did not seem surprised at all when we all showed up at his table when chapel was over. I think Alex cannot be a totally spy.
After school Ainsley and I studied IOC (talked about shoes, hair and boys) while waiting for the rain to clear. (I just thought of how Arjun got the storm scene for his IOC and it was storming today. He was very amused by the coincidence. What should I do to get the eyeball gouging scene?) Mr Adrian approached us and asked to talk to me. He accused me of not doing any Napha items. I was very confused and he insisted that there was someone in 6.12 that DEFINITELY did not do any Napha thingys at all. Then I was enlightened to extent of the PE ponning capabilities of Amaris. My respect for her talent is renewed.
Tomorrow is a short day of abundant Nirmz, probably another average day like today except with x2 unproductivity as David, Gabriel and I sit at the back of the class and talk nonsense around a laptop. And at opportune times, play games with Ainsley, Amaris, Joy and Hamzah.
Yuck! Nothing is more disgusting than my own laziness. Last month I pledged to dutifully record ALL the lolzy things that happen for future recollections when we are old and wrinkly. This promise has failed like my common tests.
I don't feel like writing either :'( So here is a very interesting picture I found of a Japanese criminal. It was on BBC and they were explaining how he fled from police investigations by getting plastic surgery done. I took one look at it and started laughing because the eyebrows went through the exact transformation that Ainsley wants for his angry eyebrows. He believes that when they turn
/ \
shaped instead of
\ /
shaped as they are now, more banglas will call him persistently (a true story), more PRC tourists will come to him asking if Little India is in the North or South (a true story), and everyone will just think he is much kindlier than he really is.
Because deep inside, under their disarmingly friendly appearances, Jonk and Ainsley are mean girls...
On top of the agenda for this post is the announcement of Monsieur Gabriel's newest work of art. He has outdone himself this time with a masterful piece of poetry, which he suggested I publish here.
But I will save it for last hehehe.
That's not to say nothing much happened this week. Conversely, the butterflies of lolz have been aflutter, and my analogies grow stranger day by day. Just like our deafness. Once, I wondered what the uniting features of the members of 6.12 are. I came up with:
1. An enthusiasm for/understanding attitude toward ponning This is evidenced by the 55% pon rate that we celebrated last month on a day when there was an inordinate amount of HL3. In fact, the pon percentage is so high even scholars living one block away, such as Cuong, have been known to take a good day off.
2. A great tolerance for racial insensitivity As evidenced by David openly eating his yummy Swiss Bakery sandwich in front of a fasting Hamzah today. What's more, it was stuffed full of bacon, the greatest form of pork made known to man.
3. Deafness Deafness has been the cause of many great and lolzy misunderstandings. We decided to capitalize on our handicap and during an extremely sleep-inducing PC period in the early hours of the morning, Celeste and I asked everyone to play Broken Telephone (Conversation).
Between the four BFFs Jonkoh, Celeste, Ainsley and I alone, we failed miserably in relaying messages because of our deafness and giggling while whispering the message in the quiet audi. The messages, already retarded to begin with (created by either Jon or Ainsley), were things like "I go fishing in Rachel _____'s Ovaries". That short message was translated into "I drink tea from Rachel ______'s Ovaries. "I rub Stella's camel toe for good luck" also became "I rub Sarah's camel toe for good night". "Phoon punched Stan and made him vomit" became "Phoon kicked Stan's vagina".
This made Amaris, Joy, Ainsley, David, Gabriel, Hamzah and I lolz like mad during English. We invited the 6.11 people to join us but they ignored us lolol. It's no wonder the GINI coefficient between our essay standards is so freaking high.
Madam is persisting in this group work style essay writing. It does not seem very efficient for David, Gabriel, and I though. We entertained ourselves by letting destiny choose questions for us to do as Madam instructed us to do. This involved playing many rounds of hand games, closing our eyes and pointing at the paper, and generally just letting fate account for our laziness. I think we show a good understanding of Huck's lepak lifestyle on the raft.
David's lepak lifestyle has seeped into his athleticism. To demonstrate his enduring jumping prowess, he decided to leap over Celeste, Ainsley, Jon and I while we were sitting in a row!!! We nearly died. He nearly died from our high-pitched screaming. Fortunately no injuries were sustained. I asked David to high-jump over my head. He said he could but not now, since he is getting fat. Definitely not as much as Gabriel though, who is developing moobs from excessive Tau Huay consumption.
It was Gabriel's birthday less than a week ago! And his twin, Celeste, celebrated her birthday just yesterday. Happy birthday to two of the kewlest and funniest and most sincere people I've met! But nice and funny and sincere in completely different ways hahaha. On Wednesday, Jon and Lynette organized a dinner at Pepperoni Pizzeria for Celeste. He was a very bad pretty little liar and failed to keep it a secret firstly because he picked her up and led her there, but told her he had never been there before, and also blindfolded her with a translucent cloth. Everyone made Celeste a card, even Bchen, who was very embarrassed with his last-minutedly made card and awkward birthday greeting at the back. I put it on top of the stack of cards and it stuck out like an indian in the snow. Jonkoh camwhored very madly. He was also very interested in a handsome ang moh (HAM) working at the pizzeria and forced Celeste to pose strangely so he could snap the HAM in the background. The HAM was not oblivious to Jonkoh's devious tactics and started laughing. Jonkoh and Steph were very embarrassed at their shamelessness after a while and bemoaned never being able to eat there again.
At the end, Ainsley elicited a stampede when he gasped "cat!" I have never ever met so many people terrified of cats! In our class alone, Bchen, Celeste and Ranny have a huge phobia of cats. I have never ever met a boy scared of puss. It turned out Ainsley was only joking. The dancers tsked at him while he calmed his nerves from being frightened by their screaming.
Ainsley's madness is spiralling out of control like King Lear. That said, it was already present at the young and untender age of 9 when he was assigned the role of being a peer-reader or some shit. Basically he was trusted with the eduction of a younger kid and taught the boy how to read. Upon coming across the word 'centipede' in a story, neither the kid nor Ainsley knew how to pronounce it. Ainsley decided to solve the dilemna by instructing the young boy to replace any unknown words with the word "nehneh", causing Ainsley great joy and amusement. He rewarded the kid with a gold star sticker.
Today, he was talking (mostly to himself as Celeste stared on wide-eyed) about having sex on the astroturf and how the astroshit was likely to get lodged in various private parts. Joy: What if you get caught by the security guard?! Ainsley: Ask him to join of course. Celeste: I don't even know how you think of these things. Ainsley: (completely seriously) Who doesn't?
It does not reflect well on me that Ainsley and I have quite similar thought processes and tastes and preferences. Next, he started discussing the girls in 6.12's fashion sense. He decided that Celeste was "very forever 21", Amaris was very much like Liz Lisa style, Aishah always wears oversized shirts but should wear maxi dresses, and I dress like trashy whore. Thanks ah! He then retracted that statement and claimed the glory for himself, saving how if he were a girl he would wear high-cut daisy dukes every day and squeeze his cleavage. And there would be nothing in his underwear drawer except push-up bras or something. Then he smiled pervily at us.
This is also what he did during ESS on Thursday to Marcus Chan and Chuanyang while pretending the stool in the bio lab was an igallop machine. Ruma was getting way too pissed off that lesson so Ainsley and I sneaked off on the pretext of going to print PSOW stuff. We went to the standing broad jump area and I taught him how to do lunges that Nadhira taught me that are supposed to give you a bigger butt. We are in need of those.
When we finally went back to class, something very dramatic was happening. Outside, a storm was brewing. It was definitely ominous. Ruma daoed me when I tried to engage her in conversation about fish I watched on Jeremy Wade's River Monsters which is a seriously kewl show. I wept and tried to gather conspirators to hold Rohit hostage to demand higher standards of living in ESS class. If Marcus had been there, he would definitely have asked everyone, "umad?"
Today, Marcus lent me and Ainsley his itouch, which I grabbed and refused to release when I discovered the existence of iassociate. It's a pretty dumb game in that it's very thought-provoking and shouldn't even be counted as a leisure activity but I AM ADDICTED. I played it throughout ESS and History lecture and even while walking around. We also played some moron test and really are quite moronic. Marcus also had a hilarious app that teaches Cantonese. Being natural Canto speakers, Ainsley and I derived huge levels of amusement from listening to the recorded voice recite stuff written in a formal way but pronounced in a very forced and stupid intonation. The most epic was under "emergency phrases", "I've been raped!" Marcus definitely needs to study that one. The phrase even can be played in male/female voices, just to be sure. Loves Cantonese ^^
Apple sux but I really want an itouch now. Marcus is a great salesman. And very nice for printing CY and my cover page and having to suffer the new printing system in the library as well as letting me use up so much of his itouch battery. Thankew!!!
Wow, this post is already so long! But I'm not done. This morning, Hamzah and Ranny were discussing his UG award. He proudly told me, Aishah, and Hamzah a tale of how as a Sec 1 boy he fooled Shreyas into doing push-ups and like Ainsley, was intensely amused by his own mischief at such a young age. According to Ranny, Shreyas only managed to count to "six, sir!" in a squeaky voice. Niran was then punished by his sec 4 seniors who couldn't understand how a small indian boy who just arrived had managed to order another relatively small indian boy to do push-ups. But as he said "I would do it all over again".
I can't remember why but mid-way I asked Ranny if he wanted to go to Cambridge and he said "hell no". The reason was because everyone there rides bicycles and if he is forced to ride along with an old lady (??? here he made what was supposed to be an old English lady's face) he would just want to give her a good punch. I started laughing already. Hamzah deviously and insidiously suggested that perhaps Ranny doesn't know how to cycle...could this be true?
Ranny was supremely offended. He shouted, "CB I knew how to cycle since I was eight!" Hamzah winked and said, "How many wheels ah? 4? No wonder it sucks la, if the old lady has 2 wheels and you have four." Ranny swore and protested. I asked him if he meant that he knew how to cycle a tandem bike (with a good Sanj pedalling in front, Hamzah chipped in). Ranny facepalmed.
He then challenged Hamzah to a cycling competition in Ubin where Hamzah went cycling recently. They suddenly thought of the wild dogs roaming around the island and because of their shared aversion to dogs (Ranny's personal hatred and phobia of the furry and feathered organisms + Hamzah's religion), opted to switch venues to East Coast Park. Set! (Moreover, Ranny gets sea sick)
The truth is, I'm the one who doesn't know how to ride a bike LOL.
Before assembly we were still talking nonsense and I asked Niran, "Do you know how to swim?" to which he gave me a face of -_- which Hamzah interpreted as a "no" and hooted at. Ranny said, "I think you're the one who doesn't know how to swim la" before remembering Hamzah is a certified rescue diver. It looked like Hamzah had won this round. Ranny protested valiantly that he won many of those swimming skills awards but Hamzah just said "oh really?" in a skeptical voice and with a annoying orange smile and I asked if it was true that Indians can't swim. Ranny then employed tactics of diversion and turned to confront Eugenia with Hamzah. Sneaky, bet they both dk how to swim.
Now it's time to start studying, I end with Gabriel's very pro poemate meo which is best read out loud so the brilliant rhyme scheme and syntax can be observed (IOC is invading my brain it can't be halped).
There once was a boy who played with his toy His nose was bigger than his small pecker Jumped out from the back and boned the whole pack Hence coined the name (fill in any name you like)
It was quite a sight, giving all a fright A grown man's one inch wonder
There was too a lass, who cried out aghast 'Oh my god, you've got a tiny wiener!' How sad was his fate, how burned were her eyes as she'd seen his small, tiny boner
